What We Can Learn From an Average Movie

I recently saw the picture show, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I didn’t know if it’d be something like Superbad – in that it’s something I’d want to see a minimum of 19 times before being satisfied of its humor, or something like Hot Rod – in that it’s something that’d make me take a year-long hiatus from watching any movie that included a single cast member from Hot Rod. My final submission is that Marshall is healthily somewhere in between. While being an average movie, this is not a film review. I want to talk about the important lessons learned here - and take 30 minutes out of my life that I'll never get back...(yay for distractions!)

(quick recap – and spoiler alert – though I’m not sure it matters) Peter Bretter was dumped by smoking hot Sarah Marshall. He loved her. He lost her. He ends up going to Hawaii for a vacation – and escape from his former life full of Sarah Marshall memories. On his vacation, low and behold, Marshall shows up to the same resort that Bretter is staying at with her new-and-improved rockstar boyfriend. Oh the suspense! Long story short, Peter meets smoking hot Rachel Jansen, employee at the resort. They fall in love. He gets over Marshall. End of story. A free ticket (thanks Jordan) well spent.

Now, what did I take away from this movie? Surprisingly, I left with my head in quite the knot of confusion. I shall make an effort to untie now by making three points of my new education. From what I gather, if Forgetting Sarah Marshall were a real story, we could walk away applying these three principles and guidelines to our lives and come out on top:

1. If a smoking hot girlfriend dumps you, treats you like crap, and continues to make your life hell by flaunting her “life is better without you” story in your face…be patient, because the girl you’re about to date is twice as hot and 10x more cool.
2. Despite a lifetime of instructions and advice from two sisters, a mother, various girl friends, and countless gossip magazines (don't you dare judge me), I found it’s ok to tell girls that you’re broken hearted. They’ll understand, and maybe even think that you’re cool because of it – and if you’re lucky, they’ll join forces with you to get back at the source of your broken soul….hmmm.
3. The breaker-upper is always a liar if they tell you, “I really want you to be happy.”
   

If a smoking hot girlfriend dumps you, messes with your head, and continues to make your life hell by flaunting her “life is better without you” story in your face…be patient, because the girl you’re about to date is twice as hot and 10x more cool.

Marshall is played by Kristen Bell...uhhh yeah. It’d be an understatementt of the century if I said Bretter lucked out with that relationship. He has the body of Will Ferrell – only 15 years younger. He's ordinary, but not boring. He’s funny, but not hilarious. His dream is to create Dracula rock opera featuring puppets, for crying out loud…and he landed freakin Sarah Marshall!! That’s all well and good…you can convince me that this is real after I drink two beers. But you mean to tell me that this guy is gonna make it happen with Marshall, get dumped and immediately (within 3 weeks time) score the attention of Rachel Jensen!!?? For the record – Rachel Jensen (Mila Kunis) is twice as beautiful and infinitely more real than Ms. Marshall. All Peter had to do was leave Marshall alone, be patient, not bother her and make an honest attempt at getting past her…and in walks this goddess into his life.

I can’t help but think the casting department didn’t do their jobs correctly for this movie. Isn’t the rebound girl NOT supposed to be the hottest girl in the entire movie? Wouldn’t it make more sense that the hottest girl/fakest girl in the movie breaks up with the guy, then sees him with a less-hot, yet cute and down-to-earth/more real girl that makes him truly happy and he really loves? Then she could get pissed at him and his new girl but she couldn't compete because true beauty is internal? Wouldn’t this drive her nuts as opposed to seeing her former flame happy with someone who is the prime rib to her meatball? Of course a prime rib would make someone happier than a meatball. If I'm dumped, then see my ex-girlfriend out with Brad Pitt, I'll be jealous, but I'll understand...it's Brad Pitt. I know this is a movie, and fake, but I think about these things…and feel you should too.

(side note – I’d be happy to live a life full of eating meatballs if the meatball looked like Kristen Bell…but that’s not the point.)

The Peter, Sarah, Rachel triangle is the equivalent to winning the 150 million dollar lottery, losing half on taxes, then getting kicked in the nuts and having the rest stolen from you in your brand new mansion as you watch the robber drive off in your Ferrari…then after you’re homeless and broke again, you stumble upon 400 million dollars, Dave Ramsey and a slew of bodyguard/security enforcement people offering you a lifetime of free money management tips and promising you that you’ll never be broke or kicked in the nuts again. Now that’s what I call a turn around!

Despite a lifetime of instructions and advice from two sisters, a mother, various girl friends, and countless gossip magazines (don’t you dare judge me), I found it’s ok to tell girls that you’re broken hearted. They’ll understand, and maybe even think that you’re cool because of it – and if you’re lucky, they’ll join forces with you to get back at the source of your broken soul…hmmm.

Like I said – all Peter had to do was put forth the effort to get over Sarah Marshall. He didn’t hide his pain. When he met Rachel, he told her within the first five minutes of meeting her that he was only there to get away from heart break. You want to know how cool Rachel Jensen is? She gave him a free four-night-stay in a $6000 per-night room BECAUSE of his condition. Then she continued to see him and hang out with him – never making the situation uncomfortable because of his obvious inability to get over Sarah. He never hid his emotions either. She totally dug it. She went out on dates with him, wanted to hear about his dream of a puppet rock opera, slept with him – she even went out of her way to make Sarah question her decision to date an STD riddled rockstar rather than Peter.

Is this real? I need feedback. What planet does this happen on? Do girls see past the pathetic-ness of a guy wallowing in his piña colada sorrows? I’ve been told throughout my life that when you meet new people/girls, you must must must never bring up your past heartbreak – especially if you’re still dealing with it. Wouldn't it be wonderful to live in a world where your honesty was the most important thing to people you don't know? I can hear you - "oh Tyler, I'd much rather a guy/girl be honest with me than not." No you wouldn't. If you meet an amazing person, you don't want to know how un-amazing they feel while talking to you because their thoughts are with someone else. You don't want to know that. You want them to keep it to themselves to not make the situation awkward. You don't want to worry about being compared, used etc. Rachel Jensen wanted to know. She's an angel.

(side note: I still suggest we keep information and emotions like tragedy to ourselves unless Rachel Jensen walks into our lives…and even then - I call dibs....suckas!)

The breaker-upper is always a liar if they tell you, “I really want you to be happy.”

“Peter, I love you. I just think we’ve grown apart ... and I want you to be happy.” Give me a break, cobra woman. If you wanted Peter to be happy, you wouldn’t have cheated nor broken up with him, right? Peter was happy (for better or worse) before you uttered “we need to talk.” I’m pretty sure that was the exact moment he became unhappy - judging by the look on his face when he dropped his towel to the floor, forcing the entire theater of unsuspecting patrons to see his man-meat.

Then when you saw him actually being happy, Sarah Marshall, you became pissed that he was happy, then wanted him back. I know…it’s unheard of behavior for women.

It should go without saying that if “I want you to be happy” comes out of your mouth as you break someone’s heart, then you’re a liar. You want YOU to be happy. You want them to be unhappy because at that moment, you're unhappy. We don't want to know that the people we hurt are getting better faster than we are. Sarah Marshall thought she owned Peter. Let's face it...he begged her not to leave him. She was in control. She wouldn't admit it to him (why would she?), but it gave her a sense of satisfaction to know that the poor guy was struggling to get over her. What she didn't expect is that Rachel Jensen was working the desk at the lavish Hawaiian resort - and once Peter got happy, Sarah became severely insecure with her decision. Go figure...turns out, she didn't really want him happy. She wanted him subdued.

Next time I break up with someone and suggest that I really want them to be happy, I will punch myself in my own face – you heard it here first, folks.

Since we've come this far, let's talk about the most important things we can take from this non-serious, mindless movie- What's the lesson here – well, three things really…1) mediocre movies are movies too and deserve our thoughts and reflection. 2) Mila Kunis is a bombshell. 3) Hollywood created the perfect girl - and as much as I'd love to say that stuff like this happens in real life - it seems Forgetting Sarah Marshall is the perfect storm for disaster if applied to real life. Awesome. At least we have a figure to look to for new hope in our sadness - thanks Rachel.