Asking me to be moving at 4:30 in the morning is like asking me to shove popcorn kernals into my eyelids and pray for the apocalypse

I'm going to the race this weekend. That seems like a simple sentence. At first glance it might appear that a sentence like "I'm going to the race this weekend," would be a tool used casually in any conversation with good friends or even a complete stranger as an ice breaker to something deeper and more meaningful, like shutting off the gas pump until the wise-guy outside smoking a cigarette with a gas nozzle in hand, extinguishes his flame...for example.

The sentence however, carries much weight. If this sentence were a person, that person would be incomparably avoirdupois.

The reasons:

1. I've never been to a meaningful race of any kind. I grew up in Indianapolis, and have never been to this race. I went to college 45 minutes away from Talladega, Alabama and only attended the Busch Series race (not the real one). I'm losing my race-virginity, people. I'm losing my race-inity. I hope the race is gentle because I'm kinda nervous!
2. Growing up, I watched my dad go to many Indy 500 races, namely with my grandfather. Wait...when I say "I watched my dad go...," I mean, I woke up on that particular Sunday and he wasn't there. He wasn't there because they left before 6:00 AM. The group of people I'm going with are leaving AT 4:30 IN THE DAMNED MORNING! Are you kidding me!? And I volunteered for this!? This is supposed to be fun? I remember why I hate race car events. Nonetheless, I've already warned the person driving that if there is any hope that I am in attendance, I will need to reside on her couch the night before to avoid not showing up due to turning my alarm off, or waking up with a sudden and mysterious flu or pink eye disease. Very contagious.
3. It is supposed to rain on Sunday. I can't imagine sitting in the rain letting my ears bleed because of the sonic boom noises running into my head. I hate walking outside when it's sprinkling. What makes me believe that sitting in a lawn chair drinking warm rainy beer with my clothes sopped to my body around thousands of other miserable people will equal anything but a terrible experience? Because although the beer is rained-down (or watered down), it's still beer and it's the race, baby!! Obviously I will be hoping for scorching sun so that I can obtain my first farmer's tan or beater burn of 2007.
4. I've heard of many legends and tales that come of racing events. My time has come to partake and be partaken. Please partake me.

So there you have it. Good white-trashy-times. Can't wait. Now onto some links and vids!

I want to start things off on the right foot. It's been a few weeks since my last entry, and I want to show everyone my appreciation for your patience by giving you some joy visually and at other peoples' expense!

That is why I am providing this video of a pixie of a man boldly facing his nemesis while reporting the weather. Poor guy.

If I ever have 15 minutes of fame, I beg that I can be a charlatan even remotely on the same level as this guy. I'm afraid he may not be topped. What do you think his mother said to him after she was watching tv and saw him treating his....bell....that....way?

The next series of videos made me lol, like for real! I am soooooo serious. But that's probably only because I like watching people who get hurt or are in pain caused by the hands of another. I suck. Anyways, the first video doesn't need a setup, nor does the second. The third video is highlighting the revenge of the subject and talent of videos 1 and 2.

Video 1

Video 2

Video 3

I understand that I might be wearing out my welcome, so to speak, but I just can't stop myself. Only 2 more!!!

Maybe it's just me, but when I watch videos from safari, you would think I was 14 years old, seeing a naked people having sex in a dirty magazine for the first time. I'm glued, man. I can't get enough of this stuff. As Elton John says...it's the circle of life, what's not to love? Anyways, this is the best safari video I've ever seen.

Typically as the story goes, when there's a battle between a baby buffalo and a pride of lions, it's not much of a battle at all. But what happens when the battle is between a baby buffalo, a pride of lions, a herd of grown-up buffalo, and an alligator??? You can't tell me this doesn't interest you! You can't tell me this doesn't make you want to take your pants off!....wait...nevermind.

Finally, this video isn't funny at all. It's quite sad and discouraging actually. I saw it, and immediately wanted to put it on here. This guy has major guts to walk into a "rally" or makeshift mob/clan of ignorant and pathetic members of white America and videotape them being completely worthless and displaying themselves as a waste to society. I'd say enjoy, but what I'd mean is, get pissed.

Hey! Speaking of an ignorant, pathetic member of white America who is completely worthless and a waste to society - one of them died last week. Good riddance. The world is better without so much hate being veiled as God and love.