Who Wants Man Meat!? - My 2008 Indianapolis Colts Preview

It’s here! The 2008 NFL season is upon us and you know what that means…time for my annual Indianapolis Colts preview – in other words, time for me to bore the ever-living crap out of 98% of the people reading this. Good times!

Last year was lackluster in producing juicy stories heading into the season – except for the Mike Vick story that somehow seems like it was 5 years ago that all went down. This year is different. This year, we’re all on pins and needles to see Brett Favre in a new uniform…riveting! Beyond that, the storylines this summer and preseason have revolved around injuries. Will Peyton Manning and Tom Brady be healthy for the season? Should pro-bowler Shawne Merriman risk his career to play this season with a torn MCL, or should he have surgery and rehab for next year? What will the New York Superbowl Giants do now that 2 of 3 of their defensive studs are gone (Strahan retired, Umenyiora out for the season)? I really can’t remember another time where so many key players are question marks heading into the season. Brady, Manning, Chad Johsnon, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Maurice Jones-Drew, Matt Hasselbeck, Braylon Edwards etc. etc. Fantasy football leagues all across the land are in peril from this outbreak of injuries. Unfortunately, the Colts are at the very tippy top of the mountain of injuries and there’s no real promise heading into the season that everything will be okay. Let’s begin.

Infected Bursa Sac Buddies!! ------------->

Strengths:

The re-acquisition of Dominic Rhodes – Yes, after experiencing the dark side, making irresponsible decisions and putting illegal substances into his body, Dominic “the prodigal” Rhodes has returned for a second stint with the Colts. If you remember way back in 2007 when the Colts became the rulers of the football world, Rhodes was the starter and focal point of the Colts’ running game. Rookie Joseph Addai was becoming a stud and a HUGE reason why the Colts finally beat the Patriots in the playoffs, but Rhodes was the guy who came up with the big plays when the Colts needed them – especially in the Superbowl against the Bears, where Rhodes ran for 113 yards and a touchdown on a rainy Miami night where the ground game was absolutely essential. A one year contract for $600,000 provides the team with very little risk and the potential for a very big reward if Rhodes can play the way he played in 06. Now Rhodes will be a backup and he knows this offense, so he’ll be able to fit right in. Addai suffered some injuries himself last year, so the addition of Rhodes in the backfield should help keep Addai fresh all season long.

Tony Dungy still lives here – Even if Rhodes was a troublemaker out in Oakland last year, he won’t dare screw up under Dungy’s reign. After weeks of speculation at the end of last season, Indianapolis exhaled one big collective breath when Dungy said he’d be returning for at least one more season. Even though I really have no clue what Dungy does during football games except wander back and forth on the sidelines with his arms crossed, just having him there watching the game makes me feel all snuggly inside.

Peyton Manning is still on the roster – All signs point to him playing in week one, but Manning hasn’t taken a snap all preseason long because he had an infected Bursa Sac removed from his knee in July. If Manning plays, then you can pencil in another 4,000 yard, 30-touchdown season. If he doesn’t play all of the games, then who would you rather have on the sidelines, coaching Jim “I’m a fan disguised as a quarterback” Sorgi through every fumble and interception?

Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison – BOTH have something to prove this year. Harrison wants to prove that he’s a) not washed up, and b) not a criminal. Wayne wants to prove that last year wasn’t a fluke and he ain’t nobody’s b!@#$.

Defense – I could sit here and write about how Bob Sanders just got back from Krypton, or how Dwight Freeney feels like a rookie again because he hasn’t been on a football field in 10 months, but that’d be too easy. No doubt, without those two players, the Colts defense would strug-gle this season. Instead, I want to say how I’m most looking forward to watching the likes of Antoine Bethea, Marlin Jackson, Kelvin Hayden and Freddie Keiaho come into their own after a few seasons under their belts. I believe Bethea is primed to become just as big of a beast as Sanders this year, and I think the hard-hitting combo of Jackson and Hayden can hang with any CB duo in the league. The Colts have a reputation of molding great linebackers (see: David Thornton, Mike Peterson, Cato June), and Keiaho has had a few seasons to get his feet wet. This is his breakout season. Unfortunately for Colts fans, the Colts also have a reputation of getting rid of said great linebackers immediately after they become great (see: David Thornton, Mike Peterson, Cato June). So enjoy him while you can.

Weaknesses

Injuries – I don’t have to say it, but starting the season with a plethora of injuries probably doesn’t serve well for a successful season. Sanders, Freeney, Manning and Harrison are all coming off of injuries and surgeries. Now that Manning seems to be coming back, his security hand warmer, Jeff Saturday goes down with an MCL injury and is out for at least six weeks. The Colts need all of these players on the field in order to be successful. Freeney missed most of last season and the pass rush was feeble at best – making Billy Volek look like the mutant child of Mike Vick and John Elway in last year’s playoff game against San Diego.

Special Teams – Good God can we please make some tackles on kickoff and punt coverage this year? It’s Indianapolis’ annual achilles heel. There’s no need to even write anything else…they’re going to be terrible. The Special Teams unit should be forced to watch this over and over and over until someone decides to make some tackles.

Offensive Line – The only real reason I think the O-line is a liability is because of Saturday’s injury. He’s gone for at least six weeks and his backup, Ryan Lilja is also on the physically unable to perform list. So now we’ve got a collection of three rookies who could be snapping to Peyton Manning. Suffice it to say that when you’re bed-side tonight saying your prayers, throw one or two in there for Saturday’s little knee ligaments and Peyton Manning’s tolerance for pain.

Rivals:

New England – Screw Tom Brady and screw Bill Belichick. I hope they lose every game and Brett Favre rockets a laser right into Belichick’s eardrum. Patriots won 18 games in a row last year, but lost the biggest one. Then their team got worse when key players left for free agency. They’ll still probably be really good since they have the easiest schedule in the entire league – but they’re not the same team they were last year.

Jacksonville -Jacksonville makes it their yearly mission to knock the AFC South Crown off the Colts heads. They draft players and acquire free agents for the sole purpose of beating Indianapolis even though they’ve never topped the Colts for the division title. And they finally have a quarterback. This year is as good as any for the Jags to finally win the AFC South unless they meltdown like usual and act like their whining head coach.

Prediction:

The Colts will win their division, but it will be closer than in years past. They’re not going to take the last two games of the season off to rest their starters. Jacksonville, Tennessee and Houston all got better in the off-season. The Colts will join New England as one the top two teams in the AFC, earning themselves a bye in round 1 of the playoffs. Other playoff teams will be – Steelers, Chargers, Jets, Jaguars. If the Colts overcome these injuries, I see no reason why they shouldn’t win the AFC this year. They’re older, but they have better players on their roster than the 2006 roster when they won the Superbowl. I say they meet Dallas in Tampa this year, and Tony Romo will spend Superbowl week on vacation with his girlfriend and her dad, lose his focus and collapse like he does every year in big games. Colts win!

...of course, if all of these injuries prove to keep their key players out for significant time, forget I said any of this.

Who wants Man Meat!? - My 2007 Indianapolis Colts preview.

You smell that? It smells like a party. Or like victory…it smells like a victory party!! The NFL season opens up this weekend and I, for one, couldn’t be more gorged with elation.

A couple of things:

1. The Indianapolis Colts are defending champs. That feels good to say.
2. There are plenty of story lines to follow this season once the regular season gets underway – will the Atlanta Falcons pick themselves off the ground after the Michael Vick escapade? Are the New Orleans Saints still America’s team? Can Peyton repeat? Does he have to repeat? How long until Rex Grossman is benched? How long until the Madden curse knocks Vince Young out with a torn ACL? How dominant will the (shudder) Patriots be? How many players will Roger Goodell suspend due to off-the-field problems (currently stands at four – Tank Johnson, Pacman Jones, Chris Henry and Vick)? How many players (and assistant coaches) will he suspend due to steroids and human growth hormones (currently stands at two – Rodney Harrison and Wade Wilson)? And finally, is John Madden still alive?

I’m participating in about 52 fantasy football leagues this year. Now that all of my drafts are complete, I’ve decided to share a brief summary of this experience.

The rundown:

• I officially sold my soul and drafted Tom Brady in nearly every league this year. This is what is wrong with sports; you grow up hating a team and everything they stand for, and as soon as money gets involved – and a few studs for receivers (Stallworth, Moss, Welker) are added to your enemy’s roster - you can’t help yourself but take someone like Brady. He’s going to have a huge year. Needless to say, I wouldn’t blame the football gods for making me lose every single game in every single league this season one bit.
• I don’t have a single Colts’ player in any league. This could be good or bad. This can be good because now I can root for the Colts without any ulterior motives of selfish gain. This could also be bad because I will also be hoping that players on other teams do well. (Note – this has been a struggle for over a year now, but I have decided that I cannot and will not root for a player on my fantasy football team if they’re playing against the Colts on a particular week. This is a harder decision to make than some people realize. I now know one of the reasons why sports-betting is frowned upon.)
• I have LaDainian Tomlinson in two leagues – interpretation – I have the keys to the Corvette on a lot full of Cavaliers. However, I can’t decide if my acquisition of LDT is nullified by the acquisition of Brady. Clearly, I didn’t think this tradeoff through. This is like taking a smoking-hot girl to dinner, only to choose the restaurant in the lobby of a hotel that happens to be hosting a male model convention (if such a thing exists) and watching your girl exit with someone named Djimon. I’ll find out soon enough, I suppose.

Onto the Indianapolis Colts’ 2007-2008 preview – I’m going to run down the list of different areas of this year’s team and grade each group based on a simple F (meaning bad) through A (meaning good) scale to determine how ready the Colts are to defend their crown.

OFFENSE -
Rushing – Joe Addai returns this year as the sole starter. Last year he backed up Dominic Rhodes, but Rhodes has since split for a bigger pay-day and terrible team in Oakland. Addai is the man this year. He’s expected to be in the top five in the league in rushing yards this season. He’s returning from a 1000 yard rushing season last season (not bad for a rookie backup runner) and will be expected to improve on that number this year. He’s joined in the backfield by the dynamite duo of Kenton Keith and Luke Lawton, two unknowns that aren’t expected to contribute more than a couple of plays here and there so Addai doesn’t burn himself out in three games. (A-)

Passing – This should go unsaid, but I’ll say it anyways – Peyton Manning still plays here. Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne are both healthy and primed for another 1200 yards-a-piece season. The Colts’ first round draft pick comes by the name of Anthony Gonzalez from Ohio State and should fit in quite beautifully in this offense, replacing the injury-prone Brandon Stokely and giving the Colts a solid and consistent slot receiver that proved to be so successful in Manning’s 49-touchdown season in 2004. Tight end Dallas Clark, one of Manning’s favorite targets, is healthy as well, so the air attack is scarily looking better than ever before. (A+)

Offensive Line – In years past, the offensive line has arguably been the best in the league. They ought to be the best in the league. They’re protecting the highest paid football player in the league. With the abrupt departure of Tarik Glenn, the Colts were forced to plug the biggest hole (literally and figuratively) in the dam that is the Indianapolis offensive line. Glenn was a pro-bowler. Peyton Manning has never professionally played with another Left Tackle. Glenn was responsible for protecting Manning’s blind-side. He’s replaced with a rookie out of Arkansas, Tony Ugoh. He didn’t expect to be starting this early in his career, but Ugoh needs to step up right away with one of the biggest responsibilities on the entire roster. Ugoh joins veterans Ryan Lilja, Ryan Diem, Jake Scott and Jeff Saturday on the line charged with not skipping a beat from last year. Manning is one of the fewest sacked QB’s in the league and it is expected to stay that way. (B)

OFFENSE TOTAL – (A-)

DEFENSE -
Defensive Line – I’m sure I speak for everyone in Indianapolis when I say Corey Simon can kiss our collective anuses. Simon is the guy that was brought on by the Colts to help stop the run in 2005 after Philadelphia dumped him. Turns out, Simon was interested in playing half a season and collecting a huge paycheck ($14 million for 13 games). He sat out the entire 2006 season with an “undisclosed illness.” Reports came out that he was just being lazy and didn’t want to play. Even though he didn’t play a single down in 2006, I’m quite certain he collected his championship ring. He was dropped by the Colts in early August 2007, and recently signed with Tennessee. Good riddance, Douchebag.

The line is anchored by Dwight Freeney, who needs to step up in a big way this year(after just signing a $72 million contract) after a 2006 season that didn’t bring the same numbers that Colts fans have been used to for the past couple of years. He’s joined on the line by Robert Mathis, Rahim Brock and rookie Ed Johnson who replaces Anthony McFarland after he went down to injury in training camp. The loss of McFarland is a concern for the Colts, seeing as how they had one of the worst rushing defenses in the league last year. (C)

Linebackers - The ever revolving door of above average linebackers continued to spin this offseason with the loss of Cato June. That makes three solid linebackers (Mike Peterson, David Thornton, June) in the last six years to leave the Colts because the team couldn’t afford to keep them. That leaves Rob Morris, Gary Brackett and Freddy Keiaho at the helm of the defense. Morris helped save the season last year with his stellar performance in last year’s postseason. Brackett is steady, and Keiaho is unproven. In my opinion, this part of the team (other than the dismal Special Teams) has the most question marks going into the season. (D+)

Defensive Backs – As the linebackers have gotten weaker in the offseason, the Colts’ DBs have definitely improved from last year. Kelvin Hayden and Marlin Jackson are definite improvements over the often overmatched Jason David and the rickety Nick Harper of last year. Joining them in the backfield is Antoine Bethea and superman Bob Sanders, who is campaigning for the “guy most likely to kill someone on the football field.” He’s a human missile. If he can stay healthy this season, which is highly unlikely with his style of play, the DB’s should be in decent shape. (C)

DEFENSE FINAL GRADE – (C)

Special Teams – Kicking: the best still wears blue (Vinatieri). Punting: trusty Hunter Smith has the easiest job in the NFL punting for the most potent offense in the league. Coverage: This team was one of the worst kick and punt coverage teams in the league last year. It’ll be interesting to see how they perform this year without major improvements in personnel in the offseason. I’d like to grade this group higher because of Vinatieri, but not even he can make up for the atrocious performance of the collective group. (F)

Coaching – Who doesn’t like Tony Dungy? This might be his last season, and he hasn’t lost the fire. Not much to write here, except I can’t wait to see all of the stories about how Tony Dungy was the first black coach to coach a season following a Superbowl victory. That’s really interesting. I had no idea he was black. (A)

FINAL 2007 INDIANAPOLIS COLTS GRADE – (B+)

We all know that a B+ is good enough to win the rotten division the Colts play in (Titans, Jaguars, Texans). I look at it this way: if every team is an average of a (C), then the Colts are clearly above average, which proves to be the case year after year. Plus I weighted the Special Teams grade a bit because they’re not on the field more than a few plays per game. Instead of representing 25% of the grade, they now represent about 10-15% of the final grade.

So I will be at the Colts’ opening game against the Saints. I will be watching every televised game on Sunday. It is time. Football season has arrived. I just pray the football gods are gentle this year and forgive my apparent secret man-crush on Tom Brady.

Nailer? I hardly even know her!

The time has come. After enduring a season that would make the most loyal of fans bludgeon themselves in the head with a wine bottle, it is time to spend the next 6-8 weeks doing absolutely nothing but watch games, accompanied by games. My team will not be partaking in this year's playoffs or lottery, therefore not making major changes to surround Mr. O'neal with quality talent-- probably forcing themselves to trade their only asset that doesn't make the paying fans (what is left of them) feel like we've got front row seats to basketball's version of The Longest Yard. It seems the team is good enough to not get a helpful draft pick for the future, but terrible enough to where season ticket holders received their sealed loogie in the mail from Larry Bird (filmed at Sears) and Reggie Miller (filmed at Chuckie Cheese) this week, saying "thanks, for supporting the epitome of mediocrity."

In related news, I'm a bit nervous about the Colts' 2007-08 schedule. You know it could be a tough year when 75% of your defense has skipped town for more money, and you consider Kansas City a "break," while you battle it out with teams that significantly got better in the offseason/end of last season, while you of course don't have the money/cap space to improve on much at all. At least we have this guy: Looks like we're in good hands.

I kind of recently started performing in a band. When I say "performing," I mean, I'd be willing to bet we'll never play outside of Andy's living room for an audience of more than a single high-school kid scratching himself, waiting for weekly Halo tourney to begin. I guess we've committed ourselves to straight up cover songs...yikes. But I'm totally behind it if we can talk this guy into joining. Please, let's make this happen.





I saw a movie tonight at the movie theater. I went in with a broken heart-sized chip on my shoulder because it stars this guy. For those who don't know, he's doin it with this girl. See. I've been clear in past entries on how I feel about her, so everytime he was on screen, I had flashbacks of this and prayed that some sort of painful death or life thwarting destitution would pay his character a visit.

With no such luck, I sat there and was entertained for a solid 2 hours. It was a pretty decent movie that kept me thinking. However, the viewing experience was sorely inhibited when the sound and picture jumped. The sound was shaky to say the least. At parts it either sounded like people were under water, or they were about to cry and their voices were violently shaking. And the visual images flickered on the theater's silver screen; so much so to prompt Jordan to ask, "what's wrong with the T.V.?"