who let the stinky gorilla in the room?

I’m writing this blog from my brand new (I got it two weeks ago) computer. You’re reading the same highbrow literary goodness, but it just feels different writing it. I feel like a different person – a better person, if you will. I’ve been waiting for this computer since January, and after multiple manufacturing/release delays, I finally have my hands on one. I pretty much nabbed a golden ticket to Wonka’s factory.

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I performed my first live show (solo) in over a year last night. I haven’t played in Indy since 2001. Here’s the setup –

A company called Gorilla Productions contacted me on myspace about a month ago. They said something to the effect of “blah blah blah Battle of the Bands come get your name out there August 26, blah.” (Note: Let me say that I appreciate Gorilla for finding me and asking me to be a part of this. I don’t blame them for the story about to be told. I’m thankful for the opportunity despite how this entry may or may not read).

So I signed up as a solo act. I was told I was the only solo act. This turned out to be erroneous and a reflection of events that will be explained in better detail shortly. On August 3, I was told I would receive tickets in the next few days (I realize that “few” is somewhat relative) that I would need to sell and market for the show. The more tickets I sold, the better time slot I’d get at the show. Sounds simple enough. Sounds great. I was on board.

The trouble began about August 17 (two weeks after that phone call) when the tickets finally arrived. The first problem being that the tickets took two weeks to arrive. There were 100 tickets in the bunch, and I had one week to sell as many as possible to try and not get the 6:00 slot. No one wants the 6:00 slot. No one would have been there, and more importantly no one would have been drunk enough to cheer like maniacs. (Note: maniacal cheering turned out to be the sole determining factor in who took the crown for this competition.)

I was still on board. One week and I had home-court advantage being that Birdy’s is a mere 15-minute drive from my house.

When the tickets arrived I noticed a subtle flaw in the ink-design. Instead of the tickets reading “Gorilla Productions presents Battle of the Bands featuring – Tyler Bender,” the tickets read “Gorilla Productions presents Battle of the Bands featuring – Tyler Beader.” You can see where I might get upset. How the F#@&! am I supposed to market myself and sell these tickets for a person that doesn’t exist? Whatever, I sold 47 tickets. Let’s recap…tickets are two weeks later than promised, and my name is that of an invisible person. Strike two, fellas.

Fast forward to the day of the show. I was told to show up at 4:00. I was there at 4:15. No one else showed up to the bar until 5:00. No one from Gorilla answered their phones. I was sitting outside by myself for a good while until the lovely Summer showed up at about 5:15. So I had to choose time slots. I chose 9:45. Great.

Well the band that sold the most tickets (or something) showed up at about 5:50 (10 minutes before showtime. They were stuck with a terrible slot and grumbled and bellyached until they got the time they wanted. Unfortunately, that pushed the rest of us back a half hour. This would have been fine had everyone known what time we were playing in advance rather than waiting for nearly 2 hours for Summer to juggle the times again and again. So I was pushed back until 10:15. I picked 9:45. I would not have picked 10:15. Strike three.

Remember when I said judging was based on audience cheering/reaction/applause? Well this whole contest is taking place on a Sunday night. That’s the day before Monday when 98% of America goes to work in the morning. So pushing this contest back at least a half-hour for two guys who couldn’t show up when they were instructed to, is somewhat (extremely) ridiculous. Not to mention that the allotted time for setup and take down was massively underrated. So the judging didn’t happen until midnight. Judging amounted to Summer going on stage and reading off the lineup on a sheet of paper and listening to people clap.

Thanks be to those that stuck around to cheer and clap for me during the “voting.” Jordan, Aubrey, Becca, Abby, Heather, Katie, Katie, Katie, Mitch, Andy, Mindy and Collin. They gave a valiant effort. Unfortunately for everyone an inexperienced teenage homeless man’s “New Found Glory” band that had never played in front of a live audience had the most people in the room at the time of the voting. So they won. Congrats on your victory, fellas.

I don’t think I should have won. I think another band should have won. I do not think the band that won should have been in the top-5. Whatever.

My show went well. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. I accomplished my goals:

1. Make a good impression on the venue – Birdy’s apparently really enjoyed my set and made sure to get my contact info from me before I left.
2. Introduce myself to other local bands for the chance to play with them – A band called The Last Good Year (also the band that had my vote for the band that should have won) introduced themselves to me and asked me if I’d be interested in opening for them sometime. We exchanged myspace information and we were on our way.
3. Put on a good show for the people who bought tickets to see Tyler Beader put on a good show. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. Even Mindy said she liked it. Mindy is the same girl that said that she didn’t like my music but was only coming to support me.

So after all of the dog and pony charades that took place over the last few weeks, it ended up being quite satisfactory. Again, I don’t blame any particular party for the craziness. It’s all part of the business, I suppose.

One piece of advice for production companies – please make sure you promote bands properly and don’t misrepresent them. Honor your commitment to making them look good. The bands will do their part in trying to make you look good by showing up and selling your tickets. When you make the voting a joke for a “battle” of the bands, then it doesn’t bode well for your reputation. When you print the wrong names of the band that are selling your tickets on your promotional pieces, it makes you look amateur. I had a good time last night. But it wasn’t because it was a great easy process and show to be a part of. It was because of the people that came to see me. It was because of the hospitality of the venue.

Thanks to everyone for coming to support me. I hope you enjoyed the show. Thanks to Birdy's for hosting. Thanks to Gorilla for putting the event on.

Check out pictures from the show here (thanks to Mindy for taking these)

Asterisks!: Where legends are born*

Barry Bonds finally made his history. 756. Or, to please some of you – 756*.

Did he cheat? Did he stain the ultimate sports record by rubbing Creams and Clears on his body? Did he sell out his ethics for money and records?

Hank Aaron previously held the record for most career home runs for over 33 years. No one doubts that Aaron did it clean. A lot of people doubt that Bonds did. Do I? I’d guess he used steroids. The reason I can’t be sure is because he’s never tested positive for steroids. He’s never failed a drug test. I assume he used steroids only because of this. He used to be skinny. Now the total weight of what he used to weigh has transfixed itself into his head, with the rest of his body looking like the Hulk.

But what would have happened had Mark McGwire broken the record? McGwire was one of the players who put baseball back on the map with his slugging in 1998. He broke Roger Maris’ record of most home runs in a season. He made baseball relevant again in America. He is also widely believed to have taken steroids throughout his career. We never crucified him like we do Bonds. He disappeared after his terrible appearance before congress, and we somewhat let him off the hook. He is having a bit of trouble getting into the Hall of Fame now, though.

Jason Giambi was celebrated in 2005 when he won the American League Comeback Player of the Year. This was the year after he was right in the middle of the same steroids scandal that Bonds is a part of. He didn’t admit anything different than what Bonds has admitted. Yet, we honored him that year.

Alex Rodriguez is widely believed to beat Bonds’ home run record down the road in his career. He’s the youngest to ever hit 500 home runs, and you don’t hear much about him ever taking steroids. It was only a year ago (and a few years leading up to now) that people loved to hate A-Rod more than any other player in baseball. He was a primadona, arrogant, selfish and the richest man in baseball. But now it seems that is all forgotten and A-Rod is a saint being cheered for his accomplishments and his pursuit rather than his off-the-field ridiculousness. I’m sure now that this chase is over, the media will go back to hating him, but it was just interesting to see how people forgot about him for a bit.

All because of Bonds.

It’s no secret Bonds is a jerk. Maybe that’s the reason people have such a hard time accepting the fact that he’s the one who owns the home run record. No one likes rooting for jerks who figure they’re owed something. Plus, Bonds never let the public in on his life. Why would people be happy about a guy they don’t even know, owning baseball’s most cherished record?

Personally, I congratulate Bonds. If he took steroids, he made the choice to do so, but I also think that he was playing in an era of baseball that pushed him into making that decision. I think whether he’s good or bad, clean or dirty, people love watching him. It’s proven in attendance numbers throughout the years. People come to Giants’ games to watch Barry Bonds.

I don’t think we should be able to have it both ways. We shouldn't get away with hating a guy for what he’s doing, yet continue to pay money to go see him do it. That's precisely what America has done.

One of the biggest clichés to ever hit the world of sports is that sports are a business. Someone is making money somewhere. Both the MLB and Bonds made a killing on whatever he did or did not do to beat the record. That’s all people really care about. It’d be nice to believe that people cared about ideals and ethics and morals when it comes to entertainment. We don’t care. Give us an entertaining product and we’ll keep coming back for more as long as we don’t get bored.

When Bonds’ career is all said and done, we will be able to all agree on one thing: Barry Bonds was never boring.

Nothing makes me want to get to third base with you more than a bunch of balls on a hot summer day.

It’s summer time. That can only mean one thing (not really). It’s baseball time! Unfortunately for me, I live in a city without a professional baseball team. The Indianapolis Indians play triple-A ball at Victory field downtown. It’s quite unfortunate that my favorite team is vying for first place in a different state, outside of “let’s go to a professional baseball game tonight” distance.

Nevertheless, I went to an Indians’ game a bit ago. Instead of sitting in chairs, I chose to sit in the center field lawn watching the backs of baseball players, whose names I will never know.

It was 90 degrees outside without a cloud in the Indianapolis sky. The only blanket I had was a fleece blanket. Enter sweaty-swamp-butt. I could either sit on the blanket and learn what Hell feels like, or I could sit directly in the grass and get eaten alive. I decided handling burning sweaty eyeballs and sweat-saturated clothes were better alternatives to scratching my skin off because bugs were living in my pores.

As I was profusely sweating all over myself, I noticed there was a love-stricken couple going at it (note: the picture is not of this particular couple, only a display of the behavior taking place) about 10 feet away from me. This couple was made up of zero attractive persons and certainly only one human. Regardless, it got me thinking about public displays of affection and how it makes everyone feel uncomfortable.

I don’t care if you’re at a minor league baseball game or if you’re at PDA camp, there should be rules and regulations to police this kind of behavior. I’m not talking about creating laws to make it a criminal act, I just think it should be a “citizen’s discretion” policy; as in – the citizens in the surrounding area of these people putting on these displays, should be required to choose between the following actions to provide justice:

A) Announce the play-by-play action as if it were a golf tournament. “You could cut through this sexual passion with a knife. It’s time to make a move. He’s playing it safe with the not-so-obvious route through the back of her shirt, rather than aggressively going straight for her dignity.” It’d be great.
B) Stand right next to the couple (like all up in their bidness) and make out with an invisible person, from seduction to finish (however you determine the end of a make-out session.) Seriously, if you were making out with someone, and noticed that there was someone standing a foot away from you making out with himself, would that NOT make you immediately stop? Think about it.

With that, now comes the list of what IS and IS NOT acceptable in the world of Public Displays of Affection. Since something either IS or IS NOT something, this scale will be pretty simple. The scale will be represented by either a (two thumbs up) for acceptable or (two thumbs down) for unacceptable. Sounds good.

1 – Holding Hands - Two Thumbs Up. This is easy. I don’t know anyone that gets grossed out or uncomfortable by two people holding hands, unless of course, those two people have hands that look like this. Yikes. Regardless, holding hands, or tossing arms around shoulders in public is sweet and affectionate whether it’s because a guy is leading a girl around, or just because they want to be close to each other but don’t want to be naked. It’s a perfect way to be intimate and important to each other, but not ridiculous enough to act like the world revolves around just the two of you.

2 – Invading personal space – Two Thumbs Down - If you’re going to sit on your boyfriend’s lap because there isn’t anywhere else to sit, that’s okay. If you’re going to walk through the mall with your hand in your boyfriend’s back pocket like you’re 14, that’s not okay. If you’re going put your girlfriend up on your shoulders because she can’t see at a concert (and I’m not the one standing behind you), that’s okay. If you’re going to give full body massages at a party or small gathering, that’s not okay. This one is really a toss up. So screw it, if there’s ever a toss up, I’m going with Two Thumbs Down. Better safe than sorry. I’d rather you take the hit and stand up so your girlfriend has a place to sit, than unexpectedly come across your girlfriend with her hand on top of your crotch in the mall foodcourt. Sometimes you give, sometimes you take. This time, I’m taking.

3 – Kissing – One Thumb Up, One Thumb Down – I’ll give on this one. This is risky business. The only time kissing is appropriate in public is when you are A) greeting your significant other, B) leaving your significant other. You come home from a long day of work, and all you really want is some sugar from your girl. Go ahead and kiss her to say hello. However, anything beyond 1.5 seconds is deemed unacceptable and at risk of receiving judgment from Citizens’ Discretion policy. Besides, behavior like this is what leads to melees like the one I saw at the baseball game. You’ve gotta keep it in check.

4 – Pet Names – Two Thumbs Down – Not only should this embarrass any dude whose girlfriend calls him “Cuddle Cakes” in the utmost seriousness, but it should downright make everyone (even the people calling and receiving the name) nauseous. I would be less suspicious of Michael Vick searching for the perfect Pit Bull pup at the local Humane Society, than I would of Cuddle Cakes’ manhood. Pet names are fine in the confines of your own home if that's your bag. Pet names are absolutely not fine anywhere else.

5 – Babying – Two Thumbs Down - Apart from fetching your partner a drink, or providing the warmth of your jacket to her while you freeze to death, babying someone is just unacceptable. People were taught how to feed themselves at a very young age. There is absolutely no reason to revisit this time of our lives by feeding each other. You’re adults who can shovel the piece of cake into your own mouth. Along with this, society has no place for someone talking to their partner like they’re 4-years-old or unable to look after themselves the big big world we live in. I understand serving each other is endearing. There is a happy medium between selfishly bringing Chinese food home for just yourself, and breaking out the chopsticks to feed your partner each piece of rice.

6 – Butt Smackin – Two Thumbs Up - Okay I just really wanted to search Google for some good butt grabbin pics, I admit! But this is acceptable behavior. This is also debatable behavior as to whether or not it can be considered PDA. Guys have been smackin rear-ends for ages in the locker rooms and on the fields of sport. This has become less of a sexual act and more of a “job well done” encouragement. There is always room for positive reinforcement and encouragement in the realm of relationships. Anytime you want your partner to “go get em’ tiger,” this is perfect and appropriate, by all means...smack the butt.

7 – Saying “I love you,” – Two Thumbs Down – The only time a declaration of love is acceptable in public is for monumental occasions. Saying “I love you,” is a significant personal milestone for relationships and should be kept personal. If you love your boyfriend, telling him in front of all of his friends is not even close to the best way of showing him. As soon as you leave the room, chances are, you will take his honor, spirit and self-admiration with you. It’s not that he doesn’t love you. He probably does. But don’t make him remind you in front of other people. You should be the only one that hears him if he utters the word “love.” The only acceptable venue for this declaration to take place would be hospitals. Hospitals trigger a lot of emotion, and no one is going to give you grief for being emotional and spewing love words in a hospital. I guess huge celebratory occasions, like the birth of a child or the engagement of love birds could suffice as well. I guess.

Recap: Holding hands: good. Everything else: probably not good.

Trust me. It’s in your best interest to heed my warnings. Now that the Citizens’ Discretion policy is in place, I’d hate to see you ruthlessly embarrassed at the hands of policy abiding people who are endlessly embarrassed for you because of the red suction spots on your neck and the tent you seemed to have pitched in a public place.

The Indians lost, by the way.

Hey! It's so good to see you!! How are you? What are you doing now? Wait...who are you again?

When I walked away from Carmel High School in 2001, I remember not caring to be a part of any future "get-together" or reunion. I was over it. By the time I graduated, I could probably have counted the number of people in that school that I cared for within the limits of my 10 fingers. Most of them weren't in my class.

My vow proved to abdicate me six years later on the eve of July 20. I was wrangled in to meeting people I graduated with that currently live in or around the great city of Indianapolis.

I wasn't going to go, but at last minute, I walked down memory lane and thought to myself - golly, it'd sure be good to see the people who won't remember my name, again! And I journeyed to a local bar to gather for refreshments, redundant conversations and uninspiring times.

When I got there, the numbers were tolerable. I walked into a crowd of seven. I genuinely was interested in talking to three of them. Of course, more and more people showed up. If I was to exhibit my enthusiasm through a line graph as the night went on and these fine owners-of-daddy's-store kids re-entered my life, it might look something like this.

By the end of the night, I left feeling that I would have rather impaled my beer bottle into my temple than be around 83% of the people in attendance. Needless to say, I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

I can't say I'm shocked that after all this time, these people still are not decent. I was, however, shocked that some of them are still alive and haven't forgotten how to do things like breathe. So I guess I tip my hat in that respect. I'm also a little surprised that I have the same feelings for these people six years after I walked away from them the first time. I guess that says just as much about my lack of altruism as it does their lack of souls.

I'm just angry that I'm not (nor was I ever) cool. And they are.

Of course, everyone reminisced about the days when we didn't talk to or know each other. I had the same conversation 30 times. Then everyone took down phone numbers and surely won't call again until the next reunion is ready to be planned.

By that time, maybe all of the cool football players will be completely bald and tack on a few extra chins to their already pudgy little faces. And maybe I'll harbor in my judgement and malicious attitude a few years until it can resurface again at the next gathering. Can't wait. Go Carmel!

Links!

The only thing I really got is this. With the new Simpsons' movie coming out, I'm sure this is old news to a lot of you, but it took me four days to get myself simpsonized. There is a big push to go out and make yourself yellowed to look like a Simpson. Apparently the push couldn't handle the amount of online traffic, and for about two days, every time I uploaded a photo, the site would a) freeze, b) tell me to come back later, c) load forever. If you can get your picture on there, do it. It's actually pretty accurate.

The Return: Ryan Adams in concert and Megan Fox is hot.

So I guess I haven't written in oh, nearly two months. I needed the break to do important things. Instead of talking about how (un)important the last 45 days have been, I think I'll simply kick-off part two (what?) of my two-part 2007 bitter/sweet/heart series by writing about my outing last night.

I made the trip from my home in Indianapolis to go be a part of the crowd gathering in Brown Theatre in Louisville, Kentucky to experience Ryan Adams (and The Cardinals) in concert.

I'm not a professional critic. I have never attempted to write even a half-serious review of any kind of performance in my life. A few years ago when I was writing newspaper editorials, my good friend Jordan Sowards used to tell me on a weekly basis that all I ever wrote about was negativity and that I couldn't ever say anything good about anything. With his encouragement and support in mind, I have given myself the stamp of approval in writing this review/criticism.

First, the rules...

I am going to judge the experience based upon five criteria including:

1. Travel
2. Venue
3. Audience/company
4. Performance Quantity
5. Performance Quality

I will judge the experience with an easy-to-understand scale of 1-10 with 1 being the worst and I'd rather slit my wrists and do push ups in rubbing alcohol than go through what I just experienced ever again. 10, of course being the best and I would choose going through this experience again before I'd choose spending the night with my most recent enthusiasm. With five categories, that would bring a perfect score to 50 points.

All of the criteria will be judged in a comparison of my first encounter with Ryan Adams and The Cardinals in Birmingham, Alabama. I saw them perform two or three years ago at City Stages. They weren't on the main-stage and I think that upset Ryan quite a bit. I'm fairly certain he downed a handle of vodka on stage. This led him to do things like call us by the wrong city/festival, thanking us for welcoming him to South by Southwest -- in Texas.

He also told imaginary stories about how dolphins are sneaking into Mr. McGregor's garden. He pushed his female bass player off stage and stormed off in about 30 minutes. He had just released Cold Roses and didn't play any songs from it. In fact, from what I remember, he didn't play many songs that people knew. The songs that people recognized, were different and secondary renditions. All in all, the experience left something to be desired. If I were grading that endeavor, it'd read like this

1. Travel - 8 - I was able to drive 5 minutes to downtown and park for free because of my shiny Smith, Spires and Peddy parking pass. The only thing better than that would have been to have the concert in my front yard or in my living room.
2. Venue - 3 - Although City Stages was cool (not really), it was kind of lame that he was shoved to the Coca Cola stage when lord-knows-what-Uncle Kracker-sounding-southern-rock-band was playing on the main stage.
3. Audience -4- I was with two of my best friends in the aforementioned Jordan and Jordan Reichmann in his three-month stint as an Alabama resident. They're the only reason the rating is this high. If I remember correctly, the place seemed rather empty. Never a good sign.
4. Performance Quantity - 5- This might be because he was on the Coca Cola stage under a bridge and in the dark, without speakers or an audience that cared, but he only played for about 30-45 minutes. I blame his drunkenness and rotten mood. By the time the show was over, however, he did manage to break a bunch of expensive equipment.
5. Performance Quality -3- This has already been touched on. I couldn't tell you two songs they played. I do know that they completely butchered "New York, New York" one of his classics. Also, I would consider "small talk in between songs" under this category, and he was quite douchey.

That brings the grand total to a whopping 23/50. That's a solid F for those keeping score at home. It was a rough time for all of us.

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Okay, now that I've lost 90% of the readers that started reading this entry, I begin the first review of the second part of my 2007 bitter/sweet/heart series.

Travel - I had to drive two hours each way to get to this place. I was looking forward to the drive. I've recently bought a lot of new music and was anxious to listen to it without interruption. I left at 5:00 right after work, and couldn't have picked a worse time to leave being that it was rush hour and I had to venture around 465.

In an attempt to not bore you, I'll just say that 465 is a big circle, and you can go two ways to get to one exit. I chose the right way.

I still thought I was running late because it was rush hour and I was at least two hours away from Louisville. The concert started at 8:00. Throughout the entire day, I kept having this nagging feeling about flat tires. I don't know why. I did see a mind-boggling 11 cars jacked up on the side of the road due to tire deflation, though. So I was on pins and needles the whole way. Thank God my tires weren't, because I got to Louisville on time (7:30).

It was a beautiful day, so I elected to have the windows down. Keeping the windows down does more than impede the quality of sounds coming out of my car speakers. It didn't matter. I kept the windows down and chose to forego my sing-along for a substantial part of the trip.

I was meeting my sister there. She had the tickets and was running late. That put me back until at least 8:30. We weren't sure if there was an opening band or not (there wasn't), but what can you do? She was late. So I went and drank beers at a local bar. The place was packed to the gills.

(Side Note: Does anyone else get severely annoyed when you go to a place and notice that ALL of the guys seem to be showing off through their hue of beer? For some odd reason this drives me insane. It doesn't get much worse than a guy wearing a Budweiser t-shirt and drinking a beer that looks like it came out of a coffee pot. EVERYONE was doing this at this place. It seemed like people were standing around showing others their beers in some kind of (wiener-size) contest. Give me a break. I didn't see a light colored beer in the entire bar area. I was waiting for all of the guys to pop their collars, cock their trucker hats and climb into their H2's and drive off to their cornhole tournaments.) -- Final Travel Grade = 8

Venue - Personally, there is nothing better than going to a concert in a theatre. I understand lawns allow you to relax and lounge on your own blankets and chairs while enjoying the show. I realize that standing-room-only venues provide an intimate collision with the band.

Theatres seem to have the best sound and all of the seats are elevated enough so you can see over the heads of whoever is sitting in the seat directly in front of you. The only downside to theatres is that sometimes they have pew benches instead of seats. Pews are fine until you have to share a pew with a guy that weighs 350 pounds and takes up 4 seats in a 3 seat pew.

Luckily for my sister and I, we were seated right on the aisle, 5th row, balcony. Perfect seats. So instead of being the guy that tries to carry 4 cups of beer back to his seat, making everyone in his aisle squirm or awkwardly stand up to let him pass, and spilling portions from each cup all over the shirts of his aislemates - I was the guy who had to do the squirming and could have gotten drunk off the spillage on my shirt.

Brown Theatre has 1441 seats with a 67 foot stage. Ryan Adams and the Cardinals took up about 20 feet right in the center of the stage. They laid out 3 Persian rugs side by side and that's all the space they needed. Jam packed right in the middle. Although we were in the balcony, the arrangement made it feel like we were in their living room. Final Venue Grade = 8.5

Audience/Company - I already mentioned that I met Tara there. I also noticed that 90% of the wiener-size-contestants made their way into Brown Theatre. I bet they were disappointed when they found out that their beer would be sissy-colored gold served in plastic cups rather than black-rubber-dark in 12-inch steins. Probably ruined their time.

Anyways, a few months ago Tara wrote The Ten Commandments of Show-Going. I'm not going to steal her ideas, but I will expound upon them.

Don't go to a show and scream out your favorite song until you get a reaction from the performers.

You're a Droid if you do this at shows. I understand alcohol plays a part. But you should wear a shirt announcing free permission to your aislemates to punch you in the glasses if you start screaming song titles in the middle of a concert. No one wants to hear it. Plus, the band probably has a set list.

There were plenty of this type of person to go round' in the theatre during this show. I don't know what it is. Maybe the intimate setup gave people the impression that they knew Ryan Adams and were the boss of him and his band.

Some people even started chants -- as in, they spelled out the first half of the word "Cardinals." C-A-R-D-S- what's that spell!? CARDS! This type of behavior is beyond unnecessary. Their cornhole game must have ended ahead of schedule.

Not to mention that I thought the girls sitting behind us were having orgasms during the first few bars of every single song. "Ahhhhhh OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

The only saving grace was that I was with my sister, who LOVES Ryan Adams. It was good to be with her and see her happy to be there. She saves this grade. Final Audience/Company Grade = 7

Performance Quantity - Things got off to a rough start with us being late. There wasn't an opening band, so the show started at 8:00 and we didn't walk in until about 8:30. They walked off stage at 9:50, prompting Tara to comment "that seemed short," forgetting that we missed about a quarter of what had been played.

People clapped for a good five to ten minutes after they walked off. It was the longest clapping situation I think I've ever been a part of. Or maybe it just seemed long because the orgasmic girls behind me kept whistling and screeching in my ears.

Sure enough, the band walked back out! Ryan Adams came out and said something like "I just feel like playing music. Sit down everyone. We're not going anywhere for a while." They proceeded to play for about another hour and a half. Probably the best thing I've ever seen from a band.

I have never walked away from a three-and-a-half hour concert thinking to myself "I wish I could hear more." After they walked off stage the second time, that was precisely what I was thinking. I couldn't get enough of what I was listening to. Final Performance Quantity Grade = 10

Performance Quality - I'm a sucker for guys (or girls, I suppose) running, jumping and acting like maniacs on stage. I love it. Anything that brings energy is alright by me. Last time I saw Ryan Adams perform, he acted like a maniac, but not the good kind. He acted like men in white coats were after him.

This time there were six people on stage and they were all sitting down. Even Ryan popped a squat for the duration of the show. They brought energy, but they didn't need to run around and push people into speakers.

I have heard that Ryan has been sobered up the past few months and he has been on "good behavior" this tour. This was quite evident as the music was all of the energy the room could contain.

They all sat in a crescent formation with the steel guitar and piano at both ends. Since 2000, Ryan Adams has completed and produced 10 albums. He just recently released Easy Tiger, so I would have expected the set list to be heavy on the "here's a song from our new album, Easy Tiger, in stores now," side.

I couldn't have been more wrong, and more surprised. They played a bunch of the Easy Tiger songs, but it wasn't even close to an "Easy Tiger Tour" show. They played many songs from every album he has released in the last seven years. My favorite Adams' albums are the Love Is Hell albums. Last time I saw Adams, he didn't touch the LIH songs. He just touched himself. This time the set had plenty and he touched me. I left satisfied.

There wasn't an electric guitar in the place -- very surprising. There wasn't a spotlight anywhere to be found throughout the night -- never seen before. Every light came from behind the band. You couldn't ever really see anyone's face. It was all about the music -- not the antics. It was a mature performance, not a rock circus. There wasn't anything that could have been done to make me want more from this performance. Final Performance Quality Grade = 10

Final Ryan Adams Concert Experience Grade = 43.5/50

Let's recap: First show - F. Second show - B+.

I would confidently claim this as the best concert experience I've ever had -- how's that for positive writing!? You might ask, "how can the best concert experience I've ever had only invoke a B+ rating?"

Because as great as it was, I'm not even flirting with giving people the impression that if my enthusiasm (I think she's waiting for me) ever matched up against a concert, I'd be sitting in the fifth row in the balcony in front of orgasmic teenagers. Not happening.

Asking me to be moving at 4:30 in the morning is like asking me to shove popcorn kernals into my eyelids and pray for the apocalypse

I'm going to the race this weekend. That seems like a simple sentence. At first glance it might appear that a sentence like "I'm going to the race this weekend," would be a tool used casually in any conversation with good friends or even a complete stranger as an ice breaker to something deeper and more meaningful, like shutting off the gas pump until the wise-guy outside smoking a cigarette with a gas nozzle in hand, extinguishes his flame...for example.

The sentence however, carries much weight. If this sentence were a person, that person would be incomparably avoirdupois.

The reasons:

1. I've never been to a meaningful race of any kind. I grew up in Indianapolis, and have never been to this race. I went to college 45 minutes away from Talladega, Alabama and only attended the Busch Series race (not the real one). I'm losing my race-virginity, people. I'm losing my race-inity. I hope the race is gentle because I'm kinda nervous!
2. Growing up, I watched my dad go to many Indy 500 races, namely with my grandfather. Wait...when I say "I watched my dad go...," I mean, I woke up on that particular Sunday and he wasn't there. He wasn't there because they left before 6:00 AM. The group of people I'm going with are leaving AT 4:30 IN THE DAMNED MORNING! Are you kidding me!? And I volunteered for this!? This is supposed to be fun? I remember why I hate race car events. Nonetheless, I've already warned the person driving that if there is any hope that I am in attendance, I will need to reside on her couch the night before to avoid not showing up due to turning my alarm off, or waking up with a sudden and mysterious flu or pink eye disease. Very contagious.
3. It is supposed to rain on Sunday. I can't imagine sitting in the rain letting my ears bleed because of the sonic boom noises running into my head. I hate walking outside when it's sprinkling. What makes me believe that sitting in a lawn chair drinking warm rainy beer with my clothes sopped to my body around thousands of other miserable people will equal anything but a terrible experience? Because although the beer is rained-down (or watered down), it's still beer and it's the race, baby!! Obviously I will be hoping for scorching sun so that I can obtain my first farmer's tan or beater burn of 2007.
4. I've heard of many legends and tales that come of racing events. My time has come to partake and be partaken. Please partake me.

So there you have it. Good white-trashy-times. Can't wait. Now onto some links and vids!

I want to start things off on the right foot. It's been a few weeks since my last entry, and I want to show everyone my appreciation for your patience by giving you some joy visually and at other peoples' expense!

That is why I am providing this video of a pixie of a man boldly facing his nemesis while reporting the weather. Poor guy.

If I ever have 15 minutes of fame, I beg that I can be a charlatan even remotely on the same level as this guy. I'm afraid he may not be topped. What do you think his mother said to him after she was watching tv and saw him treating his....bell....that....way?

The next series of videos made me lol, like for real! I am soooooo serious. But that's probably only because I like watching people who get hurt or are in pain caused by the hands of another. I suck. Anyways, the first video doesn't need a setup, nor does the second. The third video is highlighting the revenge of the subject and talent of videos 1 and 2.

Video 1

Video 2

Video 3

I understand that I might be wearing out my welcome, so to speak, but I just can't stop myself. Only 2 more!!!

Maybe it's just me, but when I watch videos from safari, you would think I was 14 years old, seeing a naked people having sex in a dirty magazine for the first time. I'm glued, man. I can't get enough of this stuff. As Elton John says...it's the circle of life, what's not to love? Anyways, this is the best safari video I've ever seen.

Typically as the story goes, when there's a battle between a baby buffalo and a pride of lions, it's not much of a battle at all. But what happens when the battle is between a baby buffalo, a pride of lions, a herd of grown-up buffalo, and an alligator??? You can't tell me this doesn't interest you! You can't tell me this doesn't make you want to take your pants off!....wait...nevermind.

Finally, this video isn't funny at all. It's quite sad and discouraging actually. I saw it, and immediately wanted to put it on here. This guy has major guts to walk into a "rally" or makeshift mob/clan of ignorant and pathetic members of white America and videotape them being completely worthless and displaying themselves as a waste to society. I'd say enjoy, but what I'd mean is, get pissed.

Hey! Speaking of an ignorant, pathetic member of white America who is completely worthless and a waste to society - one of them died last week. Good riddance. The world is better without so much hate being veiled as God and love.

What we lack in any sort of moral compass, we make up for in awesome technology

Every Tuesday I visit the Itunes store. Tuesday is, of course, the day of the week when music is released, and so I spend a quality 30 minutes venturing through the latest releases. There is a feature on itunes where you can search through the "Just For You" section. The JFY contains albums that itunes recommends based on music you've purchased in the past (think Amazon's "customers who bought this, also bought (suggested title)").

Typically, I get tired of searching and clicking on the "already have it," or "don't like it," buttons. So I tire out easily each week.

But tonight I stumbled upon something that I've unconsciously been waiting for my entire life. I needed a defibrillator after I found it. I've just spent the last hour and a half venturing through Musicmesh.

I dare you to visit and type in your favorite artist. You won't find anything less than a musical tree of suggestions of other artists and titles that sound similar to your search. When you highlight particular album, be sure to see the tracklist, reviews, wikipedia listing, and amazon page.

As you view the tracklist, click on one of the tracks, and witness a video brought to you by youtube of that particular track. This site is well-thought-out and awfully addicting for music lovers.

This is awesome. When I say awesome, I mean, it is so typical of the society we live in. Whether it's a politician who places himself on an anti-gay pedestal, or a preacher caught in a sex scandal, we live in a world where people clearly believe in the philosophy, "do as I say and not as I do."

I don't have a problem with people championing a worthy cause and a mission that saves lives or benefits the future of the greater good, but when a police officer is arrested for drunk driving after he recently won an award for his efforts in support of Mothers_Against_Drunk_Driving, he is a hypocrite on two counts: his job and obligation to society, and obviously the MADD pride.

When a person joins an organization or affiliates themselves with a group that is bigger than a single person, I would think that logically and morally, their conscience would scream "don't be an idiot and violate everything you say you stand for." This makes me feel good about the human race. Really. I'm excited.

Speaking of excited, how about this? I'm not certain I wouldn't soil myself if someone talked me into doing what this person did.