The House of Horrors: My Visit to a Public Library

Today, I set out to do something I haven't done since high school (over 7 years ago). I went to a public library. I visited Carmel Clay Public Library on my lunch break because I've been reading all kinds of rave reviews about Jeff Pearlman's new $15.00 book, Boys Will be Boys: The Glory Days and Party Nights of the Dallas Cowboys Dynasty.

I've been trying to save money recently. So instead of purchasing the book from Barnes and Noble, only to find myself reading the book one time, I thought heading the library was both financially and environmentally (save the trees, go green!) responsible.

(Note: I should preface the following story by mentioning that I grew up in Carmel and went to Carmel High School across the street from the Carmel Public Library. This is important because it would be logical to assume that I have visited said library in the past.)

Before I left, I checked the website card-catalog to see if the book was on hand. It was not but it was currently being shipped and on order.

I do not have a library card. I did have one at one time, but it was stolen when my wallet was snagged out of my pocket while crowd surfing many moons ago (now that i remember my library card was in my wallet, it explains why someone wanted to steal it!) So I was also semi-excited to get my very own adult library card - something I took for granted as an adolescent because I didn't realize that all library cards were "adult" library cards. I guess I just figured that if I was in high school, my library card would prohibit me from checking out certain material, or purchasing cigarettes or entering the army.




If you see this building, don't go inside. They keep track of outstanding fees for as long as 7 years! --------------->>




I walk in and immediately remember that all libraries smell the same (old dusty books surprisingly smell great.) It's one of those things that brought me back to late nights in the library, studying notes and reading historical memoirs for social studies exams...oh this just in, I never did that. The only time I was in the library was when I was passing through to buy coffee on my way out of skipping high school classes or whenever I heard Britney Spears was on the cover of Rolling Stone.

I approach the massive help desk to be helped by a kind Indian woman, whose name I cannot pronounce or type. I informed her that I had two questions. 1) How can I get a library card? 2) can I reserve a book that has never been in the building?

She listed the criteria under which I could get a new free library card (resident of carmel/clay township, I needed a valid address on a piece of identification and I needed to have never had an account before.) None of her listed items qualified me for a card, but luckily I'm quick on my feet and lied enough times to qualify myself. Unfortunately, after I told her that I lived in Carmel Twnsp, that the address on my license was valid (it's my parents' address - which is not my current address) and that I had never had an account before, I immediately realized that she would probably be able to see that I did, in fact have an account at one time, so I fessed up - "oh, you know what? I think I did have an account here a long time ago."

From there, my first visit to a library in seven years went downhill.

Sure enough, there I was on her computer screen. "Well since you have an account but no card, that means that this would be a replacement card and you'll have to pay $3 for a new one," she told me. Turns out it costs money to check out free books. I fork over the $3.00 and she hands me a card and says, "it looks like you have checked out items...you can't check anything out until payment is received."

Fees!!??? My account was suspended in 2004. The last time I checked out a book (coincidentally, an issue of Rolling Stone) was in 2001, and this woman is going to hang a bunch of fees over my head? "How much are we talking?" I ask. $27.50. I have wracked up $27.50 since 2001 for a magazine that costs $4.95 tops. I plead with the woman to just wipe my slate clean, for all I want is to check out a book and enjoy my first library experience in over half a decade. No luck. She won't let me check anything out until I pay my fees. So far, my library trip has cost me $30.50.

Since the book isn't even on hand, I ask if I can place a "hold" on it so that I can check it out when it does actually come in. She tells me I can, but that I needed to go to the computer in the middle of the room to do so. So I figure, I'll place a hold on the book and pay the fees later (or charm another unsuspecting librarian into erasing my fees). Of course, once I try to hold the book on the computer, the screen reads - USER BLOCKED. Great. I can't even put a hold on this $14.95 book that I've already paid $3.00 for and another $27.50 to come later....AND I have to get this book back in on time to avoid more fees!? No wonder I haven't been here in so long!

I decide to abort mission and head back to work. So final tally of events - I paid $3.00 for a library card that I can't use until I pay $27.50 for a $15.00 book that isn't even there yet.

...to make matters worse, someone has already put a hold on this ONE COPY of Boys Will be Boys book. So I was late. Going to the library is too much work. Maybe I'll go check back again in seven years.

Who Wants Man Meat!? - My 2008 Indianapolis Colts Preview

It’s here! The 2008 NFL season is upon us and you know what that means…time for my annual Indianapolis Colts preview – in other words, time for me to bore the ever-living crap out of 98% of the people reading this. Good times!

Last year was lackluster in producing juicy stories heading into the season – except for the Mike Vick story that somehow seems like it was 5 years ago that all went down. This year is different. This year, we’re all on pins and needles to see Brett Favre in a new uniform…riveting! Beyond that, the storylines this summer and preseason have revolved around injuries. Will Peyton Manning and Tom Brady be healthy for the season? Should pro-bowler Shawne Merriman risk his career to play this season with a torn MCL, or should he have surgery and rehab for next year? What will the New York Superbowl Giants do now that 2 of 3 of their defensive studs are gone (Strahan retired, Umenyiora out for the season)? I really can’t remember another time where so many key players are question marks heading into the season. Brady, Manning, Chad Johsnon, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Maurice Jones-Drew, Matt Hasselbeck, Braylon Edwards etc. etc. Fantasy football leagues all across the land are in peril from this outbreak of injuries. Unfortunately, the Colts are at the very tippy top of the mountain of injuries and there’s no real promise heading into the season that everything will be okay. Let’s begin.

Infected Bursa Sac Buddies!! ------------->

Strengths:

The re-acquisition of Dominic Rhodes – Yes, after experiencing the dark side, making irresponsible decisions and putting illegal substances into his body, Dominic “the prodigal” Rhodes has returned for a second stint with the Colts. If you remember way back in 2007 when the Colts became the rulers of the football world, Rhodes was the starter and focal point of the Colts’ running game. Rookie Joseph Addai was becoming a stud and a HUGE reason why the Colts finally beat the Patriots in the playoffs, but Rhodes was the guy who came up with the big plays when the Colts needed them – especially in the Superbowl against the Bears, where Rhodes ran for 113 yards and a touchdown on a rainy Miami night where the ground game was absolutely essential. A one year contract for $600,000 provides the team with very little risk and the potential for a very big reward if Rhodes can play the way he played in 06. Now Rhodes will be a backup and he knows this offense, so he’ll be able to fit right in. Addai suffered some injuries himself last year, so the addition of Rhodes in the backfield should help keep Addai fresh all season long.

Tony Dungy still lives here – Even if Rhodes was a troublemaker out in Oakland last year, he won’t dare screw up under Dungy’s reign. After weeks of speculation at the end of last season, Indianapolis exhaled one big collective breath when Dungy said he’d be returning for at least one more season. Even though I really have no clue what Dungy does during football games except wander back and forth on the sidelines with his arms crossed, just having him there watching the game makes me feel all snuggly inside.

Peyton Manning is still on the roster – All signs point to him playing in week one, but Manning hasn’t taken a snap all preseason long because he had an infected Bursa Sac removed from his knee in July. If Manning plays, then you can pencil in another 4,000 yard, 30-touchdown season. If he doesn’t play all of the games, then who would you rather have on the sidelines, coaching Jim “I’m a fan disguised as a quarterback” Sorgi through every fumble and interception?

Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison – BOTH have something to prove this year. Harrison wants to prove that he’s a) not washed up, and b) not a criminal. Wayne wants to prove that last year wasn’t a fluke and he ain’t nobody’s b!@#$.

Defense – I could sit here and write about how Bob Sanders just got back from Krypton, or how Dwight Freeney feels like a rookie again because he hasn’t been on a football field in 10 months, but that’d be too easy. No doubt, without those two players, the Colts defense would strug-gle this season. Instead, I want to say how I’m most looking forward to watching the likes of Antoine Bethea, Marlin Jackson, Kelvin Hayden and Freddie Keiaho come into their own after a few seasons under their belts. I believe Bethea is primed to become just as big of a beast as Sanders this year, and I think the hard-hitting combo of Jackson and Hayden can hang with any CB duo in the league. The Colts have a reputation of molding great linebackers (see: David Thornton, Mike Peterson, Cato June), and Keiaho has had a few seasons to get his feet wet. This is his breakout season. Unfortunately for Colts fans, the Colts also have a reputation of getting rid of said great linebackers immediately after they become great (see: David Thornton, Mike Peterson, Cato June). So enjoy him while you can.

Weaknesses

Injuries – I don’t have to say it, but starting the season with a plethora of injuries probably doesn’t serve well for a successful season. Sanders, Freeney, Manning and Harrison are all coming off of injuries and surgeries. Now that Manning seems to be coming back, his security hand warmer, Jeff Saturday goes down with an MCL injury and is out for at least six weeks. The Colts need all of these players on the field in order to be successful. Freeney missed most of last season and the pass rush was feeble at best – making Billy Volek look like the mutant child of Mike Vick and John Elway in last year’s playoff game against San Diego.

Special Teams – Good God can we please make some tackles on kickoff and punt coverage this year? It’s Indianapolis’ annual achilles heel. There’s no need to even write anything else…they’re going to be terrible. The Special Teams unit should be forced to watch this over and over and over until someone decides to make some tackles.

Offensive Line – The only real reason I think the O-line is a liability is because of Saturday’s injury. He’s gone for at least six weeks and his backup, Ryan Lilja is also on the physically unable to perform list. So now we’ve got a collection of three rookies who could be snapping to Peyton Manning. Suffice it to say that when you’re bed-side tonight saying your prayers, throw one or two in there for Saturday’s little knee ligaments and Peyton Manning’s tolerance for pain.

Rivals:

New England – Screw Tom Brady and screw Bill Belichick. I hope they lose every game and Brett Favre rockets a laser right into Belichick’s eardrum. Patriots won 18 games in a row last year, but lost the biggest one. Then their team got worse when key players left for free agency. They’ll still probably be really good since they have the easiest schedule in the entire league – but they’re not the same team they were last year.

Jacksonville -Jacksonville makes it their yearly mission to knock the AFC South Crown off the Colts heads. They draft players and acquire free agents for the sole purpose of beating Indianapolis even though they’ve never topped the Colts for the division title. And they finally have a quarterback. This year is as good as any for the Jags to finally win the AFC South unless they meltdown like usual and act like their whining head coach.

Prediction:

The Colts will win their division, but it will be closer than in years past. They’re not going to take the last two games of the season off to rest their starters. Jacksonville, Tennessee and Houston all got better in the off-season. The Colts will join New England as one the top two teams in the AFC, earning themselves a bye in round 1 of the playoffs. Other playoff teams will be – Steelers, Chargers, Jets, Jaguars. If the Colts overcome these injuries, I see no reason why they shouldn’t win the AFC this year. They’re older, but they have better players on their roster than the 2006 roster when they won the Superbowl. I say they meet Dallas in Tampa this year, and Tony Romo will spend Superbowl week on vacation with his girlfriend and her dad, lose his focus and collapse like he does every year in big games. Colts win!

...of course, if all of these injuries prove to keep their key players out for significant time, forget I said any of this.

Now That's More Like It. Let the Games Begin.

Now I’m ready. It takes me a while to warm up to it, but now I’m here. Every year in February, as the NFL season comes to a close, I look forward to things like baseball spring training, NCAA March Madness, 40 games in 40 nights of NBA Playoffs, new season of Shot at Love with Tila Tequilla...so I get my sports and entertainment fix after the NFL season comes to a close. By the time the Superbowl is over each year, I’m ready for a break from football.

The NFL times their off-season perfectly. By the time September rolls around, I’ve watched enough Hard Knocks, seen enough of Trey and the fellas, and played enough Madden, that football begins to sweat out of my pores. By June of this year, I became a bit worried because I noticed myself impartial to watching football. I wasn’t ready. In July, the mere thought of grinding out a season week in and week out watching the Colts wasn't tickling my typically highly-football-stimulated fancy. I was a little nervous. Maybe the NFL had worn out its welcome with me and my passionate loyalty.

But then today I read this and immediately felt the fire re-ignite inside of my belly. So now I'm ready. Let the games begin, boys! To read that Tom Brady is injured and Bill Belichick is still an ass to anyone who doesn't employ him gave me the shot in the arm I needed. Last year, Belichick was caught cheating during games, and after being fined $500,000, he later personally apologized at an owners' meeting in the offseason because he knew that the rest of the league was beginning to think he was a bastard just like the fans had thought all season long.

The thing I can't stand about Belichick is that he never tells the whole story. Why did you cheat and spy on other teams? "well I just misinterpreted the rule and the league-wide memo that was sent to me days before I was caught...just a misunderstanding and I've moved past it." That's it, and that's all we got from him. After he apologized to the owners in the NFL, I thought that he might change his arrogant ways. Nope.

He's notorious for "mocking" the league or reporters when it comes to injury reports. He has listed Brady on the injury report every week as "probable" for three years now. Brady's never once missed a game in that time span. And heaven forbid a reporter ask as to why Belichick is doing this!! He'll mock them for asking and arrogantly wave them off like their questions are ridiculous.

This most recent foot injury kept Brady out of last week's pre-season game. Whether the injury is legit or not remains to be seen. And given Belichick's history with fudging the reports, it's not ridiculous to assume that the media might have questions if this is a real injury that actually kept the guy who has been on the injury report for three years out of a game. So someone asked: If this was a regular season game, would Brady have played?

Instead of answering the question, Belichick in all of his Narcissistic glory responds, "well it's not a regular season game."

NO $@*#! SHERLOCK! THAT WASN'T THE @#$*^!$# QUESTION!

Then someone had the gull to ask his majesty if keeping the injured Brady out was precautionary (another way of asking the first question) - and Belichick said he wouldn't characterize it...thanks for the insight, try not to stab yourself with scissors as you're cutting the sleeves off of your stupid sweatshirt, you banshee.

Two things fire me up in sports more than anything - Belichick and Tom Brady. But ultimately, I'd probably either like or at least not-hate Brady if he had never played for Belichick...so it all comes back to my hatred for this cheating coach that thinks more of himself than anyone else ever could.

So it's August 18. Season starts in two weeks. Brady's kind of hurt and Belichick is in full bastard-form. The only question left to ask is - are you ready? I am.

Guns Don’t Kill People, Failed Dress Code Policies Do

Remember how I said that I can’t seem to unsubscribe from CNN’s daily Top 10 emails? Well MSNBC recently joined in on the onslaught – sending me anywhere up to 35 emails per day containing “breaking news” that hit my inbox like the waves of a never-ending annoying ocean.

It’s questionable whether I ever signed up to receive CNN’s emails. I visit www.cnn.com on a daily basis, so I could see how I could get tangled up in all the up-to-the-minute-news-goodness; making my finger become a loose cannon as I start clicking on things that sign me up to receive emails 20 times a day.

But MSNBC??? I haven’t been to their website since it was the default homepage on my two-year old dell laptop I use for work. To give you an idea of how many emails I receive per day – I’m writing this at 2:33pm EST on Friday afternoon and I already have 14 emails from MSNBC for the day. (As I was typing this paragraph, I received number 15)

Now most would say that I’m receiving Spam or Spyware…and I’m pretty sure they’d be right. But I’m no fool, I see the letters “MSNBC” and I know what that stands for… “trustworthy” and “this is real stuff.” So I can’t help but click on it. Weird… there’s no breaking news at all! All of these emails sent me to a bunch of dead links. Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

(Note: Sure enough – as soon as I clicked on the link, my computer started vacuuming demons into it – ultimately leading to my wallpaper (permanently) disappearing and a sign reading: Warning, you have 687 (not an exaggeration) viruses on your computer. Good Times.)

Anyways – before I knew the emails were from an imposter MSNBC, I went to the real MSNBC site to unsubscribe from the emails they were, in fact, not sending me. And I read this very real story.

This dynamic duo of parents are suing their slain son’s school system because the school allowed the boy to wear makeup and feminine clothes – ultimately, the parents believe, leading to his murder on school grounds.

Their son was 15 years old and in 8^th grade when he was shot…which means he a) wasn’t legally an adult or legally qualified to live by himself, b) could not sneak out of the house early so mom and dad wouldn’t see him, and drive to school in a car. He either got a ride from the parents or the bus, or he walked to school.

So in other words, the parents, whom I assume lived in the same building as their son, are suing the school for allowing their son to look the way he looked when they let him walk out of their house every morning. The school let a child bring a gun to school, but the victim’s parents are choosing to sue the school for not making their boy take off mom’s makeup.

According to MSNBC, the boy’s parents said faculty members “knew their son had ‘unique vulnerabilities’ and was subject to abuse because of his sexual orientation.” How does it not click with the parents when they think to themselves, “we KNOW that you people knew of his ‘unique vulnerabilities,’” that maybe they themselves knew that information also…and probably even first!

Look, it’s a terrible terrible thing to experience a tragedy such as this. And it’s even worse that it’s an apparent hate crime. And if it’s against dress code for boys to wear makeup and dresses to school, then boys should not be wearing makeup and dresses, and clearly this boy was breaking that policy. But I have to believe that it’s also against school policy for a kid to possess and fire a firearm on school grounds.

Someone should tell Larry King’s (not the crotchety CNN anchor) parents that their son didn’t die because he was dressing up like a girl. He died because bullets fatally entered his body. Someone should tell his parents that if they insist on believing his life ended because he dressed up in women’s clothes, then it’s because THEY allowed it to happen first.

So really, I’m thankful for the viruses that are currently lighting my computer on fire and helping it move at the speed of a paralyzed sloth. If it weren’t for these 687 viruses I downloaded from a fake news network story email, I never would have read the real breaking news alert that people are idiotic.

...But God Doesn't Have Breasts...

I have unsubscribed to CNN”s “Top 10 news stories” email five times now. They refuse to take me off the list. So in reading the Top 10 for the day, I came across the “Number 3” story for August 7, 2008 – “Mega Preacher’s Wife Being Sued over Loss of Faith”…oh!? That sounds interesting, let me click on that!

I came to discover that CNN duped me. Being sued for “a loss of faith,” and being sued for “assault” at least seem to be different things. A few things before I step up on an orange crate and start hurling fruit…

First, is it assault for denying your personal religious faith? If so, who are you assaulting…God? Maybe the flight attendant is a metaphor for God…maybe Ms. Osteen was elbowing God in the left breast. Can you be sued for a personal, internal choice of faith? Are you losing your faith if you decide to “elbow someone in the left breast?” Can you even “lose” your faith? I guess what I’m getting at is….what does belief in God, gravity, oxygen or the sun have to do with assaulting a flight attendant? And no where in this article does it say that Ms. Osteen was being sued for her lack of faith like the headline would lead you to believe.

I’m confident I’m still allowed to believe in God if I’m caught beating down an unsuspecting flight attendant (male of course…of course I know I’m going to hell if I elbow a woman).

I don’t know who Victoria Osteen is, but apparently she’s famous in Texas Christian circles. Whoever she is, I’m sure I wouldn’t like her…for I don’t like anyone that would lay a finger on flight attendants, the angels of our skies. But even so, whether she’s famous or not, just because she KO’d another human being, and in turn, received word that she was being sued does not mean that A) she’s no longer a person of faith, and B) she’s being sued because of her lack of faith, CNN…shame shame. Keep in mind that this is the 3^rd MOST POPULAR story of the day…so I know I’m not the only schmuck out there. This story is not news. If it is news, it’s certainly not the 3^rd biggest news story in the world or America…the only reason it reached such a prominent status is because of the bogus headline.

Speaking of CNN, maybe the headline guy had to leave work early and didn’t read the story before crankin out some half-baked headlines – or maybe they were hurting for click-throughs on the site today...The real story here is how CNN completely mislead me into reading a stupid story that had nothing to do with anything I cared about. I would genuinely care if someone was really being sued because they had “lost their faith.” I don’t care if someone is being sued for assault. Assault – it makes sense to pay a consequence by the law and government. Backsledding – none of the law’s beeswax. I just wasted 30 minutes of my life on this stupid fake story, and then 10 minutes trying to come up with my very own fake headline. I’m so angry, I feel like assaulting someone…no time for that though, I need to go unsubscribe from CNN’s Top 10, and then go pray and catch my flight.

What We Can Learn From an Average Movie

I recently saw the picture show, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I didn’t know if it’d be something like Superbad – in that it’s something I’d want to see a minimum of 19 times before being satisfied of its humor, or something like Hot Rod – in that it’s something that’d make me take a year-long hiatus from watching any movie that included a single cast member from Hot Rod. My final submission is that Marshall is healthily somewhere in between. While being an average movie, this is not a film review. I want to talk about the important lessons learned here - and take 30 minutes out of my life that I'll never get back...(yay for distractions!)

(quick recap – and spoiler alert – though I’m not sure it matters) Peter Bretter was dumped by smoking hot Sarah Marshall. He loved her. He lost her. He ends up going to Hawaii for a vacation – and escape from his former life full of Sarah Marshall memories. On his vacation, low and behold, Marshall shows up to the same resort that Bretter is staying at with her new-and-improved rockstar boyfriend. Oh the suspense! Long story short, Peter meets smoking hot Rachel Jansen, employee at the resort. They fall in love. He gets over Marshall. End of story. A free ticket (thanks Jordan) well spent.

Now, what did I take away from this movie? Surprisingly, I left with my head in quite the knot of confusion. I shall make an effort to untie now by making three points of my new education. From what I gather, if Forgetting Sarah Marshall were a real story, we could walk away applying these three principles and guidelines to our lives and come out on top:

1. If a smoking hot girlfriend dumps you, treats you like crap, and continues to make your life hell by flaunting her “life is better without you” story in your face…be patient, because the girl you’re about to date is twice as hot and 10x more cool.
2. Despite a lifetime of instructions and advice from two sisters, a mother, various girl friends, and countless gossip magazines (don't you dare judge me), I found it’s ok to tell girls that you’re broken hearted. They’ll understand, and maybe even think that you’re cool because of it – and if you’re lucky, they’ll join forces with you to get back at the source of your broken soul….hmmm.
3. The breaker-upper is always a liar if they tell you, “I really want you to be happy.”
   

If a smoking hot girlfriend dumps you, messes with your head, and continues to make your life hell by flaunting her “life is better without you” story in your face…be patient, because the girl you’re about to date is twice as hot and 10x more cool.

Marshall is played by Kristen Bell...uhhh yeah. It’d be an understatementt of the century if I said Bretter lucked out with that relationship. He has the body of Will Ferrell – only 15 years younger. He's ordinary, but not boring. He’s funny, but not hilarious. His dream is to create Dracula rock opera featuring puppets, for crying out loud…and he landed freakin Sarah Marshall!! That’s all well and good…you can convince me that this is real after I drink two beers. But you mean to tell me that this guy is gonna make it happen with Marshall, get dumped and immediately (within 3 weeks time) score the attention of Rachel Jensen!!?? For the record – Rachel Jensen (Mila Kunis) is twice as beautiful and infinitely more real than Ms. Marshall. All Peter had to do was leave Marshall alone, be patient, not bother her and make an honest attempt at getting past her…and in walks this goddess into his life.

I can’t help but think the casting department didn’t do their jobs correctly for this movie. Isn’t the rebound girl NOT supposed to be the hottest girl in the entire movie? Wouldn’t it make more sense that the hottest girl/fakest girl in the movie breaks up with the guy, then sees him with a less-hot, yet cute and down-to-earth/more real girl that makes him truly happy and he really loves? Then she could get pissed at him and his new girl but she couldn't compete because true beauty is internal? Wouldn’t this drive her nuts as opposed to seeing her former flame happy with someone who is the prime rib to her meatball? Of course a prime rib would make someone happier than a meatball. If I'm dumped, then see my ex-girlfriend out with Brad Pitt, I'll be jealous, but I'll understand...it's Brad Pitt. I know this is a movie, and fake, but I think about these things…and feel you should too.

(side note – I’d be happy to live a life full of eating meatballs if the meatball looked like Kristen Bell…but that’s not the point.)

The Peter, Sarah, Rachel triangle is the equivalent to winning the 150 million dollar lottery, losing half on taxes, then getting kicked in the nuts and having the rest stolen from you in your brand new mansion as you watch the robber drive off in your Ferrari…then after you’re homeless and broke again, you stumble upon 400 million dollars, Dave Ramsey and a slew of bodyguard/security enforcement people offering you a lifetime of free money management tips and promising you that you’ll never be broke or kicked in the nuts again. Now that’s what I call a turn around!

Despite a lifetime of instructions and advice from two sisters, a mother, various girl friends, and countless gossip magazines (don’t you dare judge me), I found it’s ok to tell girls that you’re broken hearted. They’ll understand, and maybe even think that you’re cool because of it – and if you’re lucky, they’ll join forces with you to get back at the source of your broken soul…hmmm.

Like I said – all Peter had to do was put forth the effort to get over Sarah Marshall. He didn’t hide his pain. When he met Rachel, he told her within the first five minutes of meeting her that he was only there to get away from heart break. You want to know how cool Rachel Jensen is? She gave him a free four-night-stay in a $6000 per-night room BECAUSE of his condition. Then she continued to see him and hang out with him – never making the situation uncomfortable because of his obvious inability to get over Sarah. He never hid his emotions either. She totally dug it. She went out on dates with him, wanted to hear about his dream of a puppet rock opera, slept with him – she even went out of her way to make Sarah question her decision to date an STD riddled rockstar rather than Peter.

Is this real? I need feedback. What planet does this happen on? Do girls see past the pathetic-ness of a guy wallowing in his piña colada sorrows? I’ve been told throughout my life that when you meet new people/girls, you must must must never bring up your past heartbreak – especially if you’re still dealing with it. Wouldn't it be wonderful to live in a world where your honesty was the most important thing to people you don't know? I can hear you - "oh Tyler, I'd much rather a guy/girl be honest with me than not." No you wouldn't. If you meet an amazing person, you don't want to know how un-amazing they feel while talking to you because their thoughts are with someone else. You don't want to know that. You want them to keep it to themselves to not make the situation awkward. You don't want to worry about being compared, used etc. Rachel Jensen wanted to know. She's an angel.

(side note: I still suggest we keep information and emotions like tragedy to ourselves unless Rachel Jensen walks into our lives…and even then - I call dibs....suckas!)

The breaker-upper is always a liar if they tell you, “I really want you to be happy.”

“Peter, I love you. I just think we’ve grown apart ... and I want you to be happy.” Give me a break, cobra woman. If you wanted Peter to be happy, you wouldn’t have cheated nor broken up with him, right? Peter was happy (for better or worse) before you uttered “we need to talk.” I’m pretty sure that was the exact moment he became unhappy - judging by the look on his face when he dropped his towel to the floor, forcing the entire theater of unsuspecting patrons to see his man-meat.

Then when you saw him actually being happy, Sarah Marshall, you became pissed that he was happy, then wanted him back. I know…it’s unheard of behavior for women.

It should go without saying that if “I want you to be happy” comes out of your mouth as you break someone’s heart, then you’re a liar. You want YOU to be happy. You want them to be unhappy because at that moment, you're unhappy. We don't want to know that the people we hurt are getting better faster than we are. Sarah Marshall thought she owned Peter. Let's face it...he begged her not to leave him. She was in control. She wouldn't admit it to him (why would she?), but it gave her a sense of satisfaction to know that the poor guy was struggling to get over her. What she didn't expect is that Rachel Jensen was working the desk at the lavish Hawaiian resort - and once Peter got happy, Sarah became severely insecure with her decision. Go figure...turns out, she didn't really want him happy. She wanted him subdued.

Next time I break up with someone and suggest that I really want them to be happy, I will punch myself in my own face – you heard it here first, folks.

Since we've come this far, let's talk about the most important things we can take from this non-serious, mindless movie- What's the lesson here – well, three things really…1) mediocre movies are movies too and deserve our thoughts and reflection. 2) Mila Kunis is a bombshell. 3) Hollywood created the perfect girl - and as much as I'd love to say that stuff like this happens in real life - it seems Forgetting Sarah Marshall is the perfect storm for disaster if applied to real life. Awesome. At least we have a figure to look to for new hope in our sadness - thanks Rachel.

You Ever Dance With Romney in the Pale Moonlight?

Enough is Enough
I had stopped writing on this blog for quite some time. If there’s one thing that can bring me out of a five month blog-writing-hiatus, it’s an election year. Like anyone, I have opinions about what’s going on in America right now.

Whether your opinion supports a specific candidate or your opinion falls along the lines of “I don’t follow politics because a) I don’t understand it, b) politicians are all the same, c) I’m too lazy to care about who is running the country I live in,” you still have an opinion. So do I.

I’ve been closely following this race of who’s who in the bout of being president for about a year and a half. I watched as candidates announced the beginnings of their campaigns, and I’ve watched candidates gracefully bow out one-by-one.

Ignorance is Super
After last week’s Super Tuesday voting day, we’re now left with four serious candidates to choose from as the nominee for the democratic and republican parties in the general election – Obama (D), Clinton (D), McCain (R) and Huckabee (R) (and Ron Paul (R)).

(Note – for the record, I am supporting Obama. This entry may not sound like it to some people, but I am. I’m also a Christian. This entry may not sound like it to some people, but I am.)

By my estimation, Huckabee (R) is still in the running because of the Christian conservative votes in the recent primaries. He used to be a pastor and uses his faith as a platform in this race. So he connected with people who look to vote for someone who uses their faith as a platform to be the president of the United States – which (unfortunately) is a lot of people.

Be Careful What You Pray For
Mitt Romney is not a Christian. He’s a Mormon. He was running for president as part of the Republican Party. He’s no longer in the race. He suspended his campaign this week because he had a disappointing (for him) turnout in the polls and voting booths at Super Tuesday.

Before he left, Romney was considered by many conservatives to be the “most conservative candidate” of the candidates remaining.

Conservatives are hesitant to get behind McCain because they think he’s too liberal. But McCain is the front runner and the imminent Republican candidate when it comes time to vote in November. So he’s all they got.

Why did Romney leave? I read an article from the New York Times, and according to Timothy Egan, Romney left because of this.

Egan writes, “Blame Christians. By significant margins, in poll after poll, in vote after vote a solid block of evangelical Christians said they would never vote for a Mormon.”

Explain Yourselves
To evangelical Christians:
NEVER?? So if the candidate had views and opinions and policies that best represented your beliefs on how a country should be run, but they were Mormon, you wouldn’t support them?? Ever? Even if it means you throw out the guy you consider the best representative of your party for a guy that you question whether he’s even a conservative?

I’m so tired of this unwritten rule among Christians (or maybe some super-christians will argue that it is written) that if you’re a Christian, you must vote for a Christian candidate to lead a country full of non-Christians. Brilliant. It happened in 2000, 2004 and it’s happening now. This rule got George Bush elected. It kept him in office. Now look at yourselves.

Forget about Christianity preaching financial responsibility and peace – let’s keep the guy who started two wars and created the country’s greatest deficit ever. Forget about Jesus Christ pleading with followers to love our enemies, let’s elect the guy invades countries without a real distinct cause or direction. Nevermind what the Bible says about suppressing our pride and selfishness, let’s invite the guy back to the White House who “stays the course” no matter how many wise and in-touch people are telling him that his selfish agenda is aimless and costing the lives of thousands of people – including Americans. Forget about all of this when voting for a candidate because at least he reads his Bible, goes to church and believes in God.

The Point
The personal religious beliefs of a president should not be at the top of the list of criteria we’re counting when we go to vote. It shouldn’t even be in the top ten. Just because someone believes in God does not mean they’re the best fit to run this country.

Educate yourselves on the issues and needs of this country. Form a belief for yourself and what you deem is important for this country to have. Then vote for the person that best parallels what you find. Is it really important to have a Christian in the oval office? Is that a dire need for this country to have? Is it so important that you’ll neglect the candidates that best represent your party’s values for other candidates that are questionable?

I didn’t even like Mitt Romney. He was actually my least favorite candidate throughout the entire race. I thought he was arrogant and didn’t have the proper direction when it came to fix the problems we’re facing with our suffering economy. I didn’t think that his approach to resolving the war in Iraq was sufficient. He changed what he stood for so often that I think he had no idea what he finally stood for. I don’t think he would have made a good president. I don’t think McCain will either.
But this is not about them. It’s about why we as voters do what we do. I’m not trying to tell you who to vote for. I’m just trying to tell you that personal religious beliefs don’t best represent a country full of millions of people who don’t believe the same as you. I’m trying to tell you that there is so much more to a country and a presidential race than the religious beliefs of a candidate.

There is something wrong when people go to the polls and already know they’ll never vote for someone who believes in a different God. That’s selfish and does not have the best needs of the country at the forefront of our minds when we act like that.

Settle Down Everyone
Please, evangelical Christians – stop. Just stop. Stop screwing everything up. You’re making the rest of us Christians look bad. You’re justifying the critics and skeptics who say Christians are crazy, ignorant and out-of-touch. Please stop.

…Or I’ll just have to continue writing on this blog.