Nothing makes me want to get to third base with you more than a bunch of balls on a hot summer day.

It’s summer time. That can only mean one thing (not really). It’s baseball time! Unfortunately for me, I live in a city without a professional baseball team. The Indianapolis Indians play triple-A ball at Victory field downtown. It’s quite unfortunate that my favorite team is vying for first place in a different state, outside of “let’s go to a professional baseball game tonight” distance.

Nevertheless, I went to an Indians’ game a bit ago. Instead of sitting in chairs, I chose to sit in the center field lawn watching the backs of baseball players, whose names I will never know.

It was 90 degrees outside without a cloud in the Indianapolis sky. The only blanket I had was a fleece blanket. Enter sweaty-swamp-butt. I could either sit on the blanket and learn what Hell feels like, or I could sit directly in the grass and get eaten alive. I decided handling burning sweaty eyeballs and sweat-saturated clothes were better alternatives to scratching my skin off because bugs were living in my pores.

As I was profusely sweating all over myself, I noticed there was a love-stricken couple going at it (note: the picture is not of this particular couple, only a display of the behavior taking place) about 10 feet away from me. This couple was made up of zero attractive persons and certainly only one human. Regardless, it got me thinking about public displays of affection and how it makes everyone feel uncomfortable.

I don’t care if you’re at a minor league baseball game or if you’re at PDA camp, there should be rules and regulations to police this kind of behavior. I’m not talking about creating laws to make it a criminal act, I just think it should be a “citizen’s discretion” policy; as in – the citizens in the surrounding area of these people putting on these displays, should be required to choose between the following actions to provide justice:

A) Announce the play-by-play action as if it were a golf tournament. “You could cut through this sexual passion with a knife. It’s time to make a move. He’s playing it safe with the not-so-obvious route through the back of her shirt, rather than aggressively going straight for her dignity.” It’d be great.
B) Stand right next to the couple (like all up in their bidness) and make out with an invisible person, from seduction to finish (however you determine the end of a make-out session.) Seriously, if you were making out with someone, and noticed that there was someone standing a foot away from you making out with himself, would that NOT make you immediately stop? Think about it.

With that, now comes the list of what IS and IS NOT acceptable in the world of Public Displays of Affection. Since something either IS or IS NOT something, this scale will be pretty simple. The scale will be represented by either a (two thumbs up) for acceptable or (two thumbs down) for unacceptable. Sounds good.

1 – Holding Hands - Two Thumbs Up. This is easy. I don’t know anyone that gets grossed out or uncomfortable by two people holding hands, unless of course, those two people have hands that look like this. Yikes. Regardless, holding hands, or tossing arms around shoulders in public is sweet and affectionate whether it’s because a guy is leading a girl around, or just because they want to be close to each other but don’t want to be naked. It’s a perfect way to be intimate and important to each other, but not ridiculous enough to act like the world revolves around just the two of you.

2 – Invading personal space – Two Thumbs Down - If you’re going to sit on your boyfriend’s lap because there isn’t anywhere else to sit, that’s okay. If you’re going to walk through the mall with your hand in your boyfriend’s back pocket like you’re 14, that’s not okay. If you’re going put your girlfriend up on your shoulders because she can’t see at a concert (and I’m not the one standing behind you), that’s okay. If you’re going to give full body massages at a party or small gathering, that’s not okay. This one is really a toss up. So screw it, if there’s ever a toss up, I’m going with Two Thumbs Down. Better safe than sorry. I’d rather you take the hit and stand up so your girlfriend has a place to sit, than unexpectedly come across your girlfriend with her hand on top of your crotch in the mall foodcourt. Sometimes you give, sometimes you take. This time, I’m taking.

3 – Kissing – One Thumb Up, One Thumb Down – I’ll give on this one. This is risky business. The only time kissing is appropriate in public is when you are A) greeting your significant other, B) leaving your significant other. You come home from a long day of work, and all you really want is some sugar from your girl. Go ahead and kiss her to say hello. However, anything beyond 1.5 seconds is deemed unacceptable and at risk of receiving judgment from Citizens’ Discretion policy. Besides, behavior like this is what leads to melees like the one I saw at the baseball game. You’ve gotta keep it in check.

4 – Pet Names – Two Thumbs Down – Not only should this embarrass any dude whose girlfriend calls him “Cuddle Cakes” in the utmost seriousness, but it should downright make everyone (even the people calling and receiving the name) nauseous. I would be less suspicious of Michael Vick searching for the perfect Pit Bull pup at the local Humane Society, than I would of Cuddle Cakes’ manhood. Pet names are fine in the confines of your own home if that's your bag. Pet names are absolutely not fine anywhere else.

5 – Babying – Two Thumbs Down - Apart from fetching your partner a drink, or providing the warmth of your jacket to her while you freeze to death, babying someone is just unacceptable. People were taught how to feed themselves at a very young age. There is absolutely no reason to revisit this time of our lives by feeding each other. You’re adults who can shovel the piece of cake into your own mouth. Along with this, society has no place for someone talking to their partner like they’re 4-years-old or unable to look after themselves the big big world we live in. I understand serving each other is endearing. There is a happy medium between selfishly bringing Chinese food home for just yourself, and breaking out the chopsticks to feed your partner each piece of rice.

6 – Butt Smackin – Two Thumbs Up - Okay I just really wanted to search Google for some good butt grabbin pics, I admit! But this is acceptable behavior. This is also debatable behavior as to whether or not it can be considered PDA. Guys have been smackin rear-ends for ages in the locker rooms and on the fields of sport. This has become less of a sexual act and more of a “job well done” encouragement. There is always room for positive reinforcement and encouragement in the realm of relationships. Anytime you want your partner to “go get em’ tiger,” this is perfect and appropriate, by all means...smack the butt.

7 – Saying “I love you,” – Two Thumbs Down – The only time a declaration of love is acceptable in public is for monumental occasions. Saying “I love you,” is a significant personal milestone for relationships and should be kept personal. If you love your boyfriend, telling him in front of all of his friends is not even close to the best way of showing him. As soon as you leave the room, chances are, you will take his honor, spirit and self-admiration with you. It’s not that he doesn’t love you. He probably does. But don’t make him remind you in front of other people. You should be the only one that hears him if he utters the word “love.” The only acceptable venue for this declaration to take place would be hospitals. Hospitals trigger a lot of emotion, and no one is going to give you grief for being emotional and spewing love words in a hospital. I guess huge celebratory occasions, like the birth of a child or the engagement of love birds could suffice as well. I guess.

Recap: Holding hands: good. Everything else: probably not good.

Trust me. It’s in your best interest to heed my warnings. Now that the Citizens’ Discretion policy is in place, I’d hate to see you ruthlessly embarrassed at the hands of policy abiding people who are endlessly embarrassed for you because of the red suction spots on your neck and the tent you seemed to have pitched in a public place.

The Indians lost, by the way.

Nailer? I hardly even know her!

The time has come. After enduring a season that would make the most loyal of fans bludgeon themselves in the head with a wine bottle, it is time to spend the next 6-8 weeks doing absolutely nothing but watch games, accompanied by games. My team will not be partaking in this year's playoffs or lottery, therefore not making major changes to surround Mr. O'neal with quality talent-- probably forcing themselves to trade their only asset that doesn't make the paying fans (what is left of them) feel like we've got front row seats to basketball's version of The Longest Yard. It seems the team is good enough to not get a helpful draft pick for the future, but terrible enough to where season ticket holders received their sealed loogie in the mail from Larry Bird (filmed at Sears) and Reggie Miller (filmed at Chuckie Cheese) this week, saying "thanks, for supporting the epitome of mediocrity."

In related news, I'm a bit nervous about the Colts' 2007-08 schedule. You know it could be a tough year when 75% of your defense has skipped town for more money, and you consider Kansas City a "break," while you battle it out with teams that significantly got better in the offseason/end of last season, while you of course don't have the money/cap space to improve on much at all. At least we have this guy: Looks like we're in good hands.

I kind of recently started performing in a band. When I say "performing," I mean, I'd be willing to bet we'll never play outside of Andy's living room for an audience of more than a single high-school kid scratching himself, waiting for weekly Halo tourney to begin. I guess we've committed ourselves to straight up cover songs...yikes. But I'm totally behind it if we can talk this guy into joining. Please, let's make this happen.





I saw a movie tonight at the movie theater. I went in with a broken heart-sized chip on my shoulder because it stars this guy. For those who don't know, he's doin it with this girl. See. I've been clear in past entries on how I feel about her, so everytime he was on screen, I had flashbacks of this and prayed that some sort of painful death or life thwarting destitution would pay his character a visit.

With no such luck, I sat there and was entertained for a solid 2 hours. It was a pretty decent movie that kept me thinking. However, the viewing experience was sorely inhibited when the sound and picture jumped. The sound was shaky to say the least. At parts it either sounded like people were under water, or they were about to cry and their voices were violently shaking. And the visual images flickered on the theater's silver screen; so much so to prompt Jordan to ask, "what's wrong with the T.V.?"