You Ever Dance With Romney in the Pale Moonlight?

Enough is Enough
I had stopped writing on this blog for quite some time. If there’s one thing that can bring me out of a five month blog-writing-hiatus, it’s an election year. Like anyone, I have opinions about what’s going on in America right now.

Whether your opinion supports a specific candidate or your opinion falls along the lines of “I don’t follow politics because a) I don’t understand it, b) politicians are all the same, c) I’m too lazy to care about who is running the country I live in,” you still have an opinion. So do I.

I’ve been closely following this race of who’s who in the bout of being president for about a year and a half. I watched as candidates announced the beginnings of their campaigns, and I’ve watched candidates gracefully bow out one-by-one.

Ignorance is Super
After last week’s Super Tuesday voting day, we’re now left with four serious candidates to choose from as the nominee for the democratic and republican parties in the general election – Obama (D), Clinton (D), McCain (R) and Huckabee (R) (and Ron Paul (R)).

(Note – for the record, I am supporting Obama. This entry may not sound like it to some people, but I am. I’m also a Christian. This entry may not sound like it to some people, but I am.)

By my estimation, Huckabee (R) is still in the running because of the Christian conservative votes in the recent primaries. He used to be a pastor and uses his faith as a platform in this race. So he connected with people who look to vote for someone who uses their faith as a platform to be the president of the United States – which (unfortunately) is a lot of people.

Be Careful What You Pray For
Mitt Romney is not a Christian. He’s a Mormon. He was running for president as part of the Republican Party. He’s no longer in the race. He suspended his campaign this week because he had a disappointing (for him) turnout in the polls and voting booths at Super Tuesday.

Before he left, Romney was considered by many conservatives to be the “most conservative candidate” of the candidates remaining.

Conservatives are hesitant to get behind McCain because they think he’s too liberal. But McCain is the front runner and the imminent Republican candidate when it comes time to vote in November. So he’s all they got.

Why did Romney leave? I read an article from the New York Times, and according to Timothy Egan, Romney left because of this.

Egan writes, “Blame Christians. By significant margins, in poll after poll, in vote after vote a solid block of evangelical Christians said they would never vote for a Mormon.”

Explain Yourselves
To evangelical Christians:
NEVER?? So if the candidate had views and opinions and policies that best represented your beliefs on how a country should be run, but they were Mormon, you wouldn’t support them?? Ever? Even if it means you throw out the guy you consider the best representative of your party for a guy that you question whether he’s even a conservative?

I’m so tired of this unwritten rule among Christians (or maybe some super-christians will argue that it is written) that if you’re a Christian, you must vote for a Christian candidate to lead a country full of non-Christians. Brilliant. It happened in 2000, 2004 and it’s happening now. This rule got George Bush elected. It kept him in office. Now look at yourselves.

Forget about Christianity preaching financial responsibility and peace – let’s keep the guy who started two wars and created the country’s greatest deficit ever. Forget about Jesus Christ pleading with followers to love our enemies, let’s elect the guy invades countries without a real distinct cause or direction. Nevermind what the Bible says about suppressing our pride and selfishness, let’s invite the guy back to the White House who “stays the course” no matter how many wise and in-touch people are telling him that his selfish agenda is aimless and costing the lives of thousands of people – including Americans. Forget about all of this when voting for a candidate because at least he reads his Bible, goes to church and believes in God.

The Point
The personal religious beliefs of a president should not be at the top of the list of criteria we’re counting when we go to vote. It shouldn’t even be in the top ten. Just because someone believes in God does not mean they’re the best fit to run this country.

Educate yourselves on the issues and needs of this country. Form a belief for yourself and what you deem is important for this country to have. Then vote for the person that best parallels what you find. Is it really important to have a Christian in the oval office? Is that a dire need for this country to have? Is it so important that you’ll neglect the candidates that best represent your party’s values for other candidates that are questionable?

I didn’t even like Mitt Romney. He was actually my least favorite candidate throughout the entire race. I thought he was arrogant and didn’t have the proper direction when it came to fix the problems we’re facing with our suffering economy. I didn’t think that his approach to resolving the war in Iraq was sufficient. He changed what he stood for so often that I think he had no idea what he finally stood for. I don’t think he would have made a good president. I don’t think McCain will either.
But this is not about them. It’s about why we as voters do what we do. I’m not trying to tell you who to vote for. I’m just trying to tell you that personal religious beliefs don’t best represent a country full of millions of people who don’t believe the same as you. I’m trying to tell you that there is so much more to a country and a presidential race than the religious beliefs of a candidate.

There is something wrong when people go to the polls and already know they’ll never vote for someone who believes in a different God. That’s selfish and does not have the best needs of the country at the forefront of our minds when we act like that.

Settle Down Everyone
Please, evangelical Christians – stop. Just stop. Stop screwing everything up. You’re making the rest of us Christians look bad. You’re justifying the critics and skeptics who say Christians are crazy, ignorant and out-of-touch. Please stop.

…Or I’ll just have to continue writing on this blog.

Who wants Man Meat!? - My 2007 Indianapolis Colts preview.

You smell that? It smells like a party. Or like victory…it smells like a victory party!! The NFL season opens up this weekend and I, for one, couldn’t be more gorged with elation.

A couple of things:

1. The Indianapolis Colts are defending champs. That feels good to say.
2. There are plenty of story lines to follow this season once the regular season gets underway – will the Atlanta Falcons pick themselves off the ground after the Michael Vick escapade? Are the New Orleans Saints still America’s team? Can Peyton repeat? Does he have to repeat? How long until Rex Grossman is benched? How long until the Madden curse knocks Vince Young out with a torn ACL? How dominant will the (shudder) Patriots be? How many players will Roger Goodell suspend due to off-the-field problems (currently stands at four – Tank Johnson, Pacman Jones, Chris Henry and Vick)? How many players (and assistant coaches) will he suspend due to steroids and human growth hormones (currently stands at two – Rodney Harrison and Wade Wilson)? And finally, is John Madden still alive?

I’m participating in about 52 fantasy football leagues this year. Now that all of my drafts are complete, I’ve decided to share a brief summary of this experience.

The rundown:

• I officially sold my soul and drafted Tom Brady in nearly every league this year. This is what is wrong with sports; you grow up hating a team and everything they stand for, and as soon as money gets involved – and a few studs for receivers (Stallworth, Moss, Welker) are added to your enemy’s roster - you can’t help yourself but take someone like Brady. He’s going to have a huge year. Needless to say, I wouldn’t blame the football gods for making me lose every single game in every single league this season one bit.
• I don’t have a single Colts’ player in any league. This could be good or bad. This can be good because now I can root for the Colts without any ulterior motives of selfish gain. This could also be bad because I will also be hoping that players on other teams do well. (Note – this has been a struggle for over a year now, but I have decided that I cannot and will not root for a player on my fantasy football team if they’re playing against the Colts on a particular week. This is a harder decision to make than some people realize. I now know one of the reasons why sports-betting is frowned upon.)
• I have LaDainian Tomlinson in two leagues – interpretation – I have the keys to the Corvette on a lot full of Cavaliers. However, I can’t decide if my acquisition of LDT is nullified by the acquisition of Brady. Clearly, I didn’t think this tradeoff through. This is like taking a smoking-hot girl to dinner, only to choose the restaurant in the lobby of a hotel that happens to be hosting a male model convention (if such a thing exists) and watching your girl exit with someone named Djimon. I’ll find out soon enough, I suppose.

Onto the Indianapolis Colts’ 2007-2008 preview – I’m going to run down the list of different areas of this year’s team and grade each group based on a simple F (meaning bad) through A (meaning good) scale to determine how ready the Colts are to defend their crown.

OFFENSE -
Rushing – Joe Addai returns this year as the sole starter. Last year he backed up Dominic Rhodes, but Rhodes has since split for a bigger pay-day and terrible team in Oakland. Addai is the man this year. He’s expected to be in the top five in the league in rushing yards this season. He’s returning from a 1000 yard rushing season last season (not bad for a rookie backup runner) and will be expected to improve on that number this year. He’s joined in the backfield by the dynamite duo of Kenton Keith and Luke Lawton, two unknowns that aren’t expected to contribute more than a couple of plays here and there so Addai doesn’t burn himself out in three games. (A-)

Passing – This should go unsaid, but I’ll say it anyways – Peyton Manning still plays here. Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne are both healthy and primed for another 1200 yards-a-piece season. The Colts’ first round draft pick comes by the name of Anthony Gonzalez from Ohio State and should fit in quite beautifully in this offense, replacing the injury-prone Brandon Stokely and giving the Colts a solid and consistent slot receiver that proved to be so successful in Manning’s 49-touchdown season in 2004. Tight end Dallas Clark, one of Manning’s favorite targets, is healthy as well, so the air attack is scarily looking better than ever before. (A+)

Offensive Line – In years past, the offensive line has arguably been the best in the league. They ought to be the best in the league. They’re protecting the highest paid football player in the league. With the abrupt departure of Tarik Glenn, the Colts were forced to plug the biggest hole (literally and figuratively) in the dam that is the Indianapolis offensive line. Glenn was a pro-bowler. Peyton Manning has never professionally played with another Left Tackle. Glenn was responsible for protecting Manning’s blind-side. He’s replaced with a rookie out of Arkansas, Tony Ugoh. He didn’t expect to be starting this early in his career, but Ugoh needs to step up right away with one of the biggest responsibilities on the entire roster. Ugoh joins veterans Ryan Lilja, Ryan Diem, Jake Scott and Jeff Saturday on the line charged with not skipping a beat from last year. Manning is one of the fewest sacked QB’s in the league and it is expected to stay that way. (B)

OFFENSE TOTAL – (A-)

DEFENSE -
Defensive Line – I’m sure I speak for everyone in Indianapolis when I say Corey Simon can kiss our collective anuses. Simon is the guy that was brought on by the Colts to help stop the run in 2005 after Philadelphia dumped him. Turns out, Simon was interested in playing half a season and collecting a huge paycheck ($14 million for 13 games). He sat out the entire 2006 season with an “undisclosed illness.” Reports came out that he was just being lazy and didn’t want to play. Even though he didn’t play a single down in 2006, I’m quite certain he collected his championship ring. He was dropped by the Colts in early August 2007, and recently signed with Tennessee. Good riddance, Douchebag.

The line is anchored by Dwight Freeney, who needs to step up in a big way this year(after just signing a $72 million contract) after a 2006 season that didn’t bring the same numbers that Colts fans have been used to for the past couple of years. He’s joined on the line by Robert Mathis, Rahim Brock and rookie Ed Johnson who replaces Anthony McFarland after he went down to injury in training camp. The loss of McFarland is a concern for the Colts, seeing as how they had one of the worst rushing defenses in the league last year. (C)

Linebackers - The ever revolving door of above average linebackers continued to spin this offseason with the loss of Cato June. That makes three solid linebackers (Mike Peterson, David Thornton, June) in the last six years to leave the Colts because the team couldn’t afford to keep them. That leaves Rob Morris, Gary Brackett and Freddy Keiaho at the helm of the defense. Morris helped save the season last year with his stellar performance in last year’s postseason. Brackett is steady, and Keiaho is unproven. In my opinion, this part of the team (other than the dismal Special Teams) has the most question marks going into the season. (D+)

Defensive Backs – As the linebackers have gotten weaker in the offseason, the Colts’ DBs have definitely improved from last year. Kelvin Hayden and Marlin Jackson are definite improvements over the often overmatched Jason David and the rickety Nick Harper of last year. Joining them in the backfield is Antoine Bethea and superman Bob Sanders, who is campaigning for the “guy most likely to kill someone on the football field.” He’s a human missile. If he can stay healthy this season, which is highly unlikely with his style of play, the DB’s should be in decent shape. (C)

DEFENSE FINAL GRADE – (C)

Special Teams – Kicking: the best still wears blue (Vinatieri). Punting: trusty Hunter Smith has the easiest job in the NFL punting for the most potent offense in the league. Coverage: This team was one of the worst kick and punt coverage teams in the league last year. It’ll be interesting to see how they perform this year without major improvements in personnel in the offseason. I’d like to grade this group higher because of Vinatieri, but not even he can make up for the atrocious performance of the collective group. (F)

Coaching – Who doesn’t like Tony Dungy? This might be his last season, and he hasn’t lost the fire. Not much to write here, except I can’t wait to see all of the stories about how Tony Dungy was the first black coach to coach a season following a Superbowl victory. That’s really interesting. I had no idea he was black. (A)

FINAL 2007 INDIANAPOLIS COLTS GRADE – (B+)

We all know that a B+ is good enough to win the rotten division the Colts play in (Titans, Jaguars, Texans). I look at it this way: if every team is an average of a (C), then the Colts are clearly above average, which proves to be the case year after year. Plus I weighted the Special Teams grade a bit because they’re not on the field more than a few plays per game. Instead of representing 25% of the grade, they now represent about 10-15% of the final grade.

So I will be at the Colts’ opening game against the Saints. I will be watching every televised game on Sunday. It is time. Football season has arrived. I just pray the football gods are gentle this year and forgive my apparent secret man-crush on Tom Brady.

who let the stinky gorilla in the room?

I’m writing this blog from my brand new (I got it two weeks ago) computer. You’re reading the same highbrow literary goodness, but it just feels different writing it. I feel like a different person – a better person, if you will. I’ve been waiting for this computer since January, and after multiple manufacturing/release delays, I finally have my hands on one. I pretty much nabbed a golden ticket to Wonka’s factory.

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I performed my first live show (solo) in over a year last night. I haven’t played in Indy since 2001. Here’s the setup –

A company called Gorilla Productions contacted me on myspace about a month ago. They said something to the effect of “blah blah blah Battle of the Bands come get your name out there August 26, blah.” (Note: Let me say that I appreciate Gorilla for finding me and asking me to be a part of this. I don’t blame them for the story about to be told. I’m thankful for the opportunity despite how this entry may or may not read).

So I signed up as a solo act. I was told I was the only solo act. This turned out to be erroneous and a reflection of events that will be explained in better detail shortly. On August 3, I was told I would receive tickets in the next few days (I realize that “few” is somewhat relative) that I would need to sell and market for the show. The more tickets I sold, the better time slot I’d get at the show. Sounds simple enough. Sounds great. I was on board.

The trouble began about August 17 (two weeks after that phone call) when the tickets finally arrived. The first problem being that the tickets took two weeks to arrive. There were 100 tickets in the bunch, and I had one week to sell as many as possible to try and not get the 6:00 slot. No one wants the 6:00 slot. No one would have been there, and more importantly no one would have been drunk enough to cheer like maniacs. (Note: maniacal cheering turned out to be the sole determining factor in who took the crown for this competition.)

I was still on board. One week and I had home-court advantage being that Birdy’s is a mere 15-minute drive from my house.

When the tickets arrived I noticed a subtle flaw in the ink-design. Instead of the tickets reading “Gorilla Productions presents Battle of the Bands featuring – Tyler Bender,” the tickets read “Gorilla Productions presents Battle of the Bands featuring – Tyler Beader.” You can see where I might get upset. How the F#@&! am I supposed to market myself and sell these tickets for a person that doesn’t exist? Whatever, I sold 47 tickets. Let’s recap…tickets are two weeks later than promised, and my name is that of an invisible person. Strike two, fellas.

Fast forward to the day of the show. I was told to show up at 4:00. I was there at 4:15. No one else showed up to the bar until 5:00. No one from Gorilla answered their phones. I was sitting outside by myself for a good while until the lovely Summer showed up at about 5:15. So I had to choose time slots. I chose 9:45. Great.

Well the band that sold the most tickets (or something) showed up at about 5:50 (10 minutes before showtime. They were stuck with a terrible slot and grumbled and bellyached until they got the time they wanted. Unfortunately, that pushed the rest of us back a half hour. This would have been fine had everyone known what time we were playing in advance rather than waiting for nearly 2 hours for Summer to juggle the times again and again. So I was pushed back until 10:15. I picked 9:45. I would not have picked 10:15. Strike three.

Remember when I said judging was based on audience cheering/reaction/applause? Well this whole contest is taking place on a Sunday night. That’s the day before Monday when 98% of America goes to work in the morning. So pushing this contest back at least a half-hour for two guys who couldn’t show up when they were instructed to, is somewhat (extremely) ridiculous. Not to mention that the allotted time for setup and take down was massively underrated. So the judging didn’t happen until midnight. Judging amounted to Summer going on stage and reading off the lineup on a sheet of paper and listening to people clap.

Thanks be to those that stuck around to cheer and clap for me during the “voting.” Jordan, Aubrey, Becca, Abby, Heather, Katie, Katie, Katie, Mitch, Andy, Mindy and Collin. They gave a valiant effort. Unfortunately for everyone an inexperienced teenage homeless man’s “New Found Glory” band that had never played in front of a live audience had the most people in the room at the time of the voting. So they won. Congrats on your victory, fellas.

I don’t think I should have won. I think another band should have won. I do not think the band that won should have been in the top-5. Whatever.

My show went well. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. I accomplished my goals:

1. Make a good impression on the venue – Birdy’s apparently really enjoyed my set and made sure to get my contact info from me before I left.
2. Introduce myself to other local bands for the chance to play with them – A band called The Last Good Year (also the band that had my vote for the band that should have won) introduced themselves to me and asked me if I’d be interested in opening for them sometime. We exchanged myspace information and we were on our way.
3. Put on a good show for the people who bought tickets to see Tyler Beader put on a good show. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. Even Mindy said she liked it. Mindy is the same girl that said that she didn’t like my music but was only coming to support me.

So after all of the dog and pony charades that took place over the last few weeks, it ended up being quite satisfactory. Again, I don’t blame any particular party for the craziness. It’s all part of the business, I suppose.

One piece of advice for production companies – please make sure you promote bands properly and don’t misrepresent them. Honor your commitment to making them look good. The bands will do their part in trying to make you look good by showing up and selling your tickets. When you make the voting a joke for a “battle” of the bands, then it doesn’t bode well for your reputation. When you print the wrong names of the band that are selling your tickets on your promotional pieces, it makes you look amateur. I had a good time last night. But it wasn’t because it was a great easy process and show to be a part of. It was because of the people that came to see me. It was because of the hospitality of the venue.

Thanks to everyone for coming to support me. I hope you enjoyed the show. Thanks to Birdy's for hosting. Thanks to Gorilla for putting the event on.

Check out pictures from the show here (thanks to Mindy for taking these)

Asterisks!: Where legends are born*

Barry Bonds finally made his history. 756. Or, to please some of you – 756*.

Did he cheat? Did he stain the ultimate sports record by rubbing Creams and Clears on his body? Did he sell out his ethics for money and records?

Hank Aaron previously held the record for most career home runs for over 33 years. No one doubts that Aaron did it clean. A lot of people doubt that Bonds did. Do I? I’d guess he used steroids. The reason I can’t be sure is because he’s never tested positive for steroids. He’s never failed a drug test. I assume he used steroids only because of this. He used to be skinny. Now the total weight of what he used to weigh has transfixed itself into his head, with the rest of his body looking like the Hulk.

But what would have happened had Mark McGwire broken the record? McGwire was one of the players who put baseball back on the map with his slugging in 1998. He broke Roger Maris’ record of most home runs in a season. He made baseball relevant again in America. He is also widely believed to have taken steroids throughout his career. We never crucified him like we do Bonds. He disappeared after his terrible appearance before congress, and we somewhat let him off the hook. He is having a bit of trouble getting into the Hall of Fame now, though.

Jason Giambi was celebrated in 2005 when he won the American League Comeback Player of the Year. This was the year after he was right in the middle of the same steroids scandal that Bonds is a part of. He didn’t admit anything different than what Bonds has admitted. Yet, we honored him that year.

Alex Rodriguez is widely believed to beat Bonds’ home run record down the road in his career. He’s the youngest to ever hit 500 home runs, and you don’t hear much about him ever taking steroids. It was only a year ago (and a few years leading up to now) that people loved to hate A-Rod more than any other player in baseball. He was a primadona, arrogant, selfish and the richest man in baseball. But now it seems that is all forgotten and A-Rod is a saint being cheered for his accomplishments and his pursuit rather than his off-the-field ridiculousness. I’m sure now that this chase is over, the media will go back to hating him, but it was just interesting to see how people forgot about him for a bit.

All because of Bonds.

It’s no secret Bonds is a jerk. Maybe that’s the reason people have such a hard time accepting the fact that he’s the one who owns the home run record. No one likes rooting for jerks who figure they’re owed something. Plus, Bonds never let the public in on his life. Why would people be happy about a guy they don’t even know, owning baseball’s most cherished record?

Personally, I congratulate Bonds. If he took steroids, he made the choice to do so, but I also think that he was playing in an era of baseball that pushed him into making that decision. I think whether he’s good or bad, clean or dirty, people love watching him. It’s proven in attendance numbers throughout the years. People come to Giants’ games to watch Barry Bonds.

I don’t think we should be able to have it both ways. We shouldn't get away with hating a guy for what he’s doing, yet continue to pay money to go see him do it. That's precisely what America has done.

One of the biggest clichés to ever hit the world of sports is that sports are a business. Someone is making money somewhere. Both the MLB and Bonds made a killing on whatever he did or did not do to beat the record. That’s all people really care about. It’d be nice to believe that people cared about ideals and ethics and morals when it comes to entertainment. We don’t care. Give us an entertaining product and we’ll keep coming back for more as long as we don’t get bored.

When Bonds’ career is all said and done, we will be able to all agree on one thing: Barry Bonds was never boring.

Nothing makes me want to get to third base with you more than a bunch of balls on a hot summer day.

It’s summer time. That can only mean one thing (not really). It’s baseball time! Unfortunately for me, I live in a city without a professional baseball team. The Indianapolis Indians play triple-A ball at Victory field downtown. It’s quite unfortunate that my favorite team is vying for first place in a different state, outside of “let’s go to a professional baseball game tonight” distance.

Nevertheless, I went to an Indians’ game a bit ago. Instead of sitting in chairs, I chose to sit in the center field lawn watching the backs of baseball players, whose names I will never know.

It was 90 degrees outside without a cloud in the Indianapolis sky. The only blanket I had was a fleece blanket. Enter sweaty-swamp-butt. I could either sit on the blanket and learn what Hell feels like, or I could sit directly in the grass and get eaten alive. I decided handling burning sweaty eyeballs and sweat-saturated clothes were better alternatives to scratching my skin off because bugs were living in my pores.

As I was profusely sweating all over myself, I noticed there was a love-stricken couple going at it (note: the picture is not of this particular couple, only a display of the behavior taking place) about 10 feet away from me. This couple was made up of zero attractive persons and certainly only one human. Regardless, it got me thinking about public displays of affection and how it makes everyone feel uncomfortable.

I don’t care if you’re at a minor league baseball game or if you’re at PDA camp, there should be rules and regulations to police this kind of behavior. I’m not talking about creating laws to make it a criminal act, I just think it should be a “citizen’s discretion” policy; as in – the citizens in the surrounding area of these people putting on these displays, should be required to choose between the following actions to provide justice:

A) Announce the play-by-play action as if it were a golf tournament. “You could cut through this sexual passion with a knife. It’s time to make a move. He’s playing it safe with the not-so-obvious route through the back of her shirt, rather than aggressively going straight for her dignity.” It’d be great.
B) Stand right next to the couple (like all up in their bidness) and make out with an invisible person, from seduction to finish (however you determine the end of a make-out session.) Seriously, if you were making out with someone, and noticed that there was someone standing a foot away from you making out with himself, would that NOT make you immediately stop? Think about it.

With that, now comes the list of what IS and IS NOT acceptable in the world of Public Displays of Affection. Since something either IS or IS NOT something, this scale will be pretty simple. The scale will be represented by either a (two thumbs up) for acceptable or (two thumbs down) for unacceptable. Sounds good.

1 – Holding Hands - Two Thumbs Up. This is easy. I don’t know anyone that gets grossed out or uncomfortable by two people holding hands, unless of course, those two people have hands that look like this. Yikes. Regardless, holding hands, or tossing arms around shoulders in public is sweet and affectionate whether it’s because a guy is leading a girl around, or just because they want to be close to each other but don’t want to be naked. It’s a perfect way to be intimate and important to each other, but not ridiculous enough to act like the world revolves around just the two of you.

2 – Invading personal space – Two Thumbs Down - If you’re going to sit on your boyfriend’s lap because there isn’t anywhere else to sit, that’s okay. If you’re going to walk through the mall with your hand in your boyfriend’s back pocket like you’re 14, that’s not okay. If you’re going put your girlfriend up on your shoulders because she can’t see at a concert (and I’m not the one standing behind you), that’s okay. If you’re going to give full body massages at a party or small gathering, that’s not okay. This one is really a toss up. So screw it, if there’s ever a toss up, I’m going with Two Thumbs Down. Better safe than sorry. I’d rather you take the hit and stand up so your girlfriend has a place to sit, than unexpectedly come across your girlfriend with her hand on top of your crotch in the mall foodcourt. Sometimes you give, sometimes you take. This time, I’m taking.

3 – Kissing – One Thumb Up, One Thumb Down – I’ll give on this one. This is risky business. The only time kissing is appropriate in public is when you are A) greeting your significant other, B) leaving your significant other. You come home from a long day of work, and all you really want is some sugar from your girl. Go ahead and kiss her to say hello. However, anything beyond 1.5 seconds is deemed unacceptable and at risk of receiving judgment from Citizens’ Discretion policy. Besides, behavior like this is what leads to melees like the one I saw at the baseball game. You’ve gotta keep it in check.

4 – Pet Names – Two Thumbs Down – Not only should this embarrass any dude whose girlfriend calls him “Cuddle Cakes” in the utmost seriousness, but it should downright make everyone (even the people calling and receiving the name) nauseous. I would be less suspicious of Michael Vick searching for the perfect Pit Bull pup at the local Humane Society, than I would of Cuddle Cakes’ manhood. Pet names are fine in the confines of your own home if that's your bag. Pet names are absolutely not fine anywhere else.

5 – Babying – Two Thumbs Down - Apart from fetching your partner a drink, or providing the warmth of your jacket to her while you freeze to death, babying someone is just unacceptable. People were taught how to feed themselves at a very young age. There is absolutely no reason to revisit this time of our lives by feeding each other. You’re adults who can shovel the piece of cake into your own mouth. Along with this, society has no place for someone talking to their partner like they’re 4-years-old or unable to look after themselves the big big world we live in. I understand serving each other is endearing. There is a happy medium between selfishly bringing Chinese food home for just yourself, and breaking out the chopsticks to feed your partner each piece of rice.

6 – Butt Smackin – Two Thumbs Up - Okay I just really wanted to search Google for some good butt grabbin pics, I admit! But this is acceptable behavior. This is also debatable behavior as to whether or not it can be considered PDA. Guys have been smackin rear-ends for ages in the locker rooms and on the fields of sport. This has become less of a sexual act and more of a “job well done” encouragement. There is always room for positive reinforcement and encouragement in the realm of relationships. Anytime you want your partner to “go get em’ tiger,” this is perfect and appropriate, by all means...smack the butt.

7 – Saying “I love you,” – Two Thumbs Down – The only time a declaration of love is acceptable in public is for monumental occasions. Saying “I love you,” is a significant personal milestone for relationships and should be kept personal. If you love your boyfriend, telling him in front of all of his friends is not even close to the best way of showing him. As soon as you leave the room, chances are, you will take his honor, spirit and self-admiration with you. It’s not that he doesn’t love you. He probably does. But don’t make him remind you in front of other people. You should be the only one that hears him if he utters the word “love.” The only acceptable venue for this declaration to take place would be hospitals. Hospitals trigger a lot of emotion, and no one is going to give you grief for being emotional and spewing love words in a hospital. I guess huge celebratory occasions, like the birth of a child or the engagement of love birds could suffice as well. I guess.

Recap: Holding hands: good. Everything else: probably not good.

Trust me. It’s in your best interest to heed my warnings. Now that the Citizens’ Discretion policy is in place, I’d hate to see you ruthlessly embarrassed at the hands of policy abiding people who are endlessly embarrassed for you because of the red suction spots on your neck and the tent you seemed to have pitched in a public place.

The Indians lost, by the way.

Hey! It's so good to see you!! How are you? What are you doing now? Wait...who are you again?

When I walked away from Carmel High School in 2001, I remember not caring to be a part of any future "get-together" or reunion. I was over it. By the time I graduated, I could probably have counted the number of people in that school that I cared for within the limits of my 10 fingers. Most of them weren't in my class.

My vow proved to abdicate me six years later on the eve of July 20. I was wrangled in to meeting people I graduated with that currently live in or around the great city of Indianapolis.

I wasn't going to go, but at last minute, I walked down memory lane and thought to myself - golly, it'd sure be good to see the people who won't remember my name, again! And I journeyed to a local bar to gather for refreshments, redundant conversations and uninspiring times.

When I got there, the numbers were tolerable. I walked into a crowd of seven. I genuinely was interested in talking to three of them. Of course, more and more people showed up. If I was to exhibit my enthusiasm through a line graph as the night went on and these fine owners-of-daddy's-store kids re-entered my life, it might look something like this.

By the end of the night, I left feeling that I would have rather impaled my beer bottle into my temple than be around 83% of the people in attendance. Needless to say, I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

I can't say I'm shocked that after all this time, these people still are not decent. I was, however, shocked that some of them are still alive and haven't forgotten how to do things like breathe. So I guess I tip my hat in that respect. I'm also a little surprised that I have the same feelings for these people six years after I walked away from them the first time. I guess that says just as much about my lack of altruism as it does their lack of souls.

I'm just angry that I'm not (nor was I ever) cool. And they are.

Of course, everyone reminisced about the days when we didn't talk to or know each other. I had the same conversation 30 times. Then everyone took down phone numbers and surely won't call again until the next reunion is ready to be planned.

By that time, maybe all of the cool football players will be completely bald and tack on a few extra chins to their already pudgy little faces. And maybe I'll harbor in my judgement and malicious attitude a few years until it can resurface again at the next gathering. Can't wait. Go Carmel!

Links!

The only thing I really got is this. With the new Simpsons' movie coming out, I'm sure this is old news to a lot of you, but it took me four days to get myself simpsonized. There is a big push to go out and make yourself yellowed to look like a Simpson. Apparently the push couldn't handle the amount of online traffic, and for about two days, every time I uploaded a photo, the site would a) freeze, b) tell me to come back later, c) load forever. If you can get your picture on there, do it. It's actually pretty accurate.

The Return: Ryan Adams in concert and Megan Fox is hot.

So I guess I haven't written in oh, nearly two months. I needed the break to do important things. Instead of talking about how (un)important the last 45 days have been, I think I'll simply kick-off part two (what?) of my two-part 2007 bitter/sweet/heart series by writing about my outing last night.

I made the trip from my home in Indianapolis to go be a part of the crowd gathering in Brown Theatre in Louisville, Kentucky to experience Ryan Adams (and The Cardinals) in concert.

I'm not a professional critic. I have never attempted to write even a half-serious review of any kind of performance in my life. A few years ago when I was writing newspaper editorials, my good friend Jordan Sowards used to tell me on a weekly basis that all I ever wrote about was negativity and that I couldn't ever say anything good about anything. With his encouragement and support in mind, I have given myself the stamp of approval in writing this review/criticism.

First, the rules...

I am going to judge the experience based upon five criteria including:

1. Travel
2. Venue
3. Audience/company
4. Performance Quantity
5. Performance Quality

I will judge the experience with an easy-to-understand scale of 1-10 with 1 being the worst and I'd rather slit my wrists and do push ups in rubbing alcohol than go through what I just experienced ever again. 10, of course being the best and I would choose going through this experience again before I'd choose spending the night with my most recent enthusiasm. With five categories, that would bring a perfect score to 50 points.

All of the criteria will be judged in a comparison of my first encounter with Ryan Adams and The Cardinals in Birmingham, Alabama. I saw them perform two or three years ago at City Stages. They weren't on the main-stage and I think that upset Ryan quite a bit. I'm fairly certain he downed a handle of vodka on stage. This led him to do things like call us by the wrong city/festival, thanking us for welcoming him to South by Southwest -- in Texas.

He also told imaginary stories about how dolphins are sneaking into Mr. McGregor's garden. He pushed his female bass player off stage and stormed off in about 30 minutes. He had just released Cold Roses and didn't play any songs from it. In fact, from what I remember, he didn't play many songs that people knew. The songs that people recognized, were different and secondary renditions. All in all, the experience left something to be desired. If I were grading that endeavor, it'd read like this

1. Travel - 8 - I was able to drive 5 minutes to downtown and park for free because of my shiny Smith, Spires and Peddy parking pass. The only thing better than that would have been to have the concert in my front yard or in my living room.
2. Venue - 3 - Although City Stages was cool (not really), it was kind of lame that he was shoved to the Coca Cola stage when lord-knows-what-Uncle Kracker-sounding-southern-rock-band was playing on the main stage.
3. Audience -4- I was with two of my best friends in the aforementioned Jordan and Jordan Reichmann in his three-month stint as an Alabama resident. They're the only reason the rating is this high. If I remember correctly, the place seemed rather empty. Never a good sign.
4. Performance Quantity - 5- This might be because he was on the Coca Cola stage under a bridge and in the dark, without speakers or an audience that cared, but he only played for about 30-45 minutes. I blame his drunkenness and rotten mood. By the time the show was over, however, he did manage to break a bunch of expensive equipment.
5. Performance Quality -3- This has already been touched on. I couldn't tell you two songs they played. I do know that they completely butchered "New York, New York" one of his classics. Also, I would consider "small talk in between songs" under this category, and he was quite douchey.

That brings the grand total to a whopping 23/50. That's a solid F for those keeping score at home. It was a rough time for all of us.

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Okay, now that I've lost 90% of the readers that started reading this entry, I begin the first review of the second part of my 2007 bitter/sweet/heart series.

Travel - I had to drive two hours each way to get to this place. I was looking forward to the drive. I've recently bought a lot of new music and was anxious to listen to it without interruption. I left at 5:00 right after work, and couldn't have picked a worse time to leave being that it was rush hour and I had to venture around 465.

In an attempt to not bore you, I'll just say that 465 is a big circle, and you can go two ways to get to one exit. I chose the right way.

I still thought I was running late because it was rush hour and I was at least two hours away from Louisville. The concert started at 8:00. Throughout the entire day, I kept having this nagging feeling about flat tires. I don't know why. I did see a mind-boggling 11 cars jacked up on the side of the road due to tire deflation, though. So I was on pins and needles the whole way. Thank God my tires weren't, because I got to Louisville on time (7:30).

It was a beautiful day, so I elected to have the windows down. Keeping the windows down does more than impede the quality of sounds coming out of my car speakers. It didn't matter. I kept the windows down and chose to forego my sing-along for a substantial part of the trip.

I was meeting my sister there. She had the tickets and was running late. That put me back until at least 8:30. We weren't sure if there was an opening band or not (there wasn't), but what can you do? She was late. So I went and drank beers at a local bar. The place was packed to the gills.

(Side Note: Does anyone else get severely annoyed when you go to a place and notice that ALL of the guys seem to be showing off through their hue of beer? For some odd reason this drives me insane. It doesn't get much worse than a guy wearing a Budweiser t-shirt and drinking a beer that looks like it came out of a coffee pot. EVERYONE was doing this at this place. It seemed like people were standing around showing others their beers in some kind of (wiener-size) contest. Give me a break. I didn't see a light colored beer in the entire bar area. I was waiting for all of the guys to pop their collars, cock their trucker hats and climb into their H2's and drive off to their cornhole tournaments.) -- Final Travel Grade = 8

Venue - Personally, there is nothing better than going to a concert in a theatre. I understand lawns allow you to relax and lounge on your own blankets and chairs while enjoying the show. I realize that standing-room-only venues provide an intimate collision with the band.

Theatres seem to have the best sound and all of the seats are elevated enough so you can see over the heads of whoever is sitting in the seat directly in front of you. The only downside to theatres is that sometimes they have pew benches instead of seats. Pews are fine until you have to share a pew with a guy that weighs 350 pounds and takes up 4 seats in a 3 seat pew.

Luckily for my sister and I, we were seated right on the aisle, 5th row, balcony. Perfect seats. So instead of being the guy that tries to carry 4 cups of beer back to his seat, making everyone in his aisle squirm or awkwardly stand up to let him pass, and spilling portions from each cup all over the shirts of his aislemates - I was the guy who had to do the squirming and could have gotten drunk off the spillage on my shirt.

Brown Theatre has 1441 seats with a 67 foot stage. Ryan Adams and the Cardinals took up about 20 feet right in the center of the stage. They laid out 3 Persian rugs side by side and that's all the space they needed. Jam packed right in the middle. Although we were in the balcony, the arrangement made it feel like we were in their living room. Final Venue Grade = 8.5

Audience/Company - I already mentioned that I met Tara there. I also noticed that 90% of the wiener-size-contestants made their way into Brown Theatre. I bet they were disappointed when they found out that their beer would be sissy-colored gold served in plastic cups rather than black-rubber-dark in 12-inch steins. Probably ruined their time.

Anyways, a few months ago Tara wrote The Ten Commandments of Show-Going. I'm not going to steal her ideas, but I will expound upon them.

Don't go to a show and scream out your favorite song until you get a reaction from the performers.

You're a Droid if you do this at shows. I understand alcohol plays a part. But you should wear a shirt announcing free permission to your aislemates to punch you in the glasses if you start screaming song titles in the middle of a concert. No one wants to hear it. Plus, the band probably has a set list.

There were plenty of this type of person to go round' in the theatre during this show. I don't know what it is. Maybe the intimate setup gave people the impression that they knew Ryan Adams and were the boss of him and his band.

Some people even started chants -- as in, they spelled out the first half of the word "Cardinals." C-A-R-D-S- what's that spell!? CARDS! This type of behavior is beyond unnecessary. Their cornhole game must have ended ahead of schedule.

Not to mention that I thought the girls sitting behind us were having orgasms during the first few bars of every single song. "Ahhhhhh OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

The only saving grace was that I was with my sister, who LOVES Ryan Adams. It was good to be with her and see her happy to be there. She saves this grade. Final Audience/Company Grade = 7

Performance Quantity - Things got off to a rough start with us being late. There wasn't an opening band, so the show started at 8:00 and we didn't walk in until about 8:30. They walked off stage at 9:50, prompting Tara to comment "that seemed short," forgetting that we missed about a quarter of what had been played.

People clapped for a good five to ten minutes after they walked off. It was the longest clapping situation I think I've ever been a part of. Or maybe it just seemed long because the orgasmic girls behind me kept whistling and screeching in my ears.

Sure enough, the band walked back out! Ryan Adams came out and said something like "I just feel like playing music. Sit down everyone. We're not going anywhere for a while." They proceeded to play for about another hour and a half. Probably the best thing I've ever seen from a band.

I have never walked away from a three-and-a-half hour concert thinking to myself "I wish I could hear more." After they walked off stage the second time, that was precisely what I was thinking. I couldn't get enough of what I was listening to. Final Performance Quantity Grade = 10

Performance Quality - I'm a sucker for guys (or girls, I suppose) running, jumping and acting like maniacs on stage. I love it. Anything that brings energy is alright by me. Last time I saw Ryan Adams perform, he acted like a maniac, but not the good kind. He acted like men in white coats were after him.

This time there were six people on stage and they were all sitting down. Even Ryan popped a squat for the duration of the show. They brought energy, but they didn't need to run around and push people into speakers.

I have heard that Ryan has been sobered up the past few months and he has been on "good behavior" this tour. This was quite evident as the music was all of the energy the room could contain.

They all sat in a crescent formation with the steel guitar and piano at both ends. Since 2000, Ryan Adams has completed and produced 10 albums. He just recently released Easy Tiger, so I would have expected the set list to be heavy on the "here's a song from our new album, Easy Tiger, in stores now," side.

I couldn't have been more wrong, and more surprised. They played a bunch of the Easy Tiger songs, but it wasn't even close to an "Easy Tiger Tour" show. They played many songs from every album he has released in the last seven years. My favorite Adams' albums are the Love Is Hell albums. Last time I saw Adams, he didn't touch the LIH songs. He just touched himself. This time the set had plenty and he touched me. I left satisfied.

There wasn't an electric guitar in the place -- very surprising. There wasn't a spotlight anywhere to be found throughout the night -- never seen before. Every light came from behind the band. You couldn't ever really see anyone's face. It was all about the music -- not the antics. It was a mature performance, not a rock circus. There wasn't anything that could have been done to make me want more from this performance. Final Performance Quality Grade = 10

Final Ryan Adams Concert Experience Grade = 43.5/50

Let's recap: First show - F. Second show - B+.

I would confidently claim this as the best concert experience I've ever had -- how's that for positive writing!? You might ask, "how can the best concert experience I've ever had only invoke a B+ rating?"

Because as great as it was, I'm not even flirting with giving people the impression that if my enthusiasm (I think she's waiting for me) ever matched up against a concert, I'd be sitting in the fifth row in the balcony in front of orgasmic teenagers. Not happening.