The House of Horrors: My Visit to a Public Library

Today, I set out to do something I haven't done since high school (over 7 years ago). I went to a public library. I visited Carmel Clay Public Library on my lunch break because I've been reading all kinds of rave reviews about Jeff Pearlman's new $15.00 book, Boys Will be Boys: The Glory Days and Party Nights of the Dallas Cowboys Dynasty.

I've been trying to save money recently. So instead of purchasing the book from Barnes and Noble, only to find myself reading the book one time, I thought heading the library was both financially and environmentally (save the trees, go green!) responsible.

(Note: I should preface the following story by mentioning that I grew up in Carmel and went to Carmel High School across the street from the Carmel Public Library. This is important because it would be logical to assume that I have visited said library in the past.)

Before I left, I checked the website card-catalog to see if the book was on hand. It was not but it was currently being shipped and on order.

I do not have a library card. I did have one at one time, but it was stolen when my wallet was snagged out of my pocket while crowd surfing many moons ago (now that i remember my library card was in my wallet, it explains why someone wanted to steal it!) So I was also semi-excited to get my very own adult library card - something I took for granted as an adolescent because I didn't realize that all library cards were "adult" library cards. I guess I just figured that if I was in high school, my library card would prohibit me from checking out certain material, or purchasing cigarettes or entering the army.




If you see this building, don't go inside. They keep track of outstanding fees for as long as 7 years! --------------->>




I walk in and immediately remember that all libraries smell the same (old dusty books surprisingly smell great.) It's one of those things that brought me back to late nights in the library, studying notes and reading historical memoirs for social studies exams...oh this just in, I never did that. The only time I was in the library was when I was passing through to buy coffee on my way out of skipping high school classes or whenever I heard Britney Spears was on the cover of Rolling Stone.

I approach the massive help desk to be helped by a kind Indian woman, whose name I cannot pronounce or type. I informed her that I had two questions. 1) How can I get a library card? 2) can I reserve a book that has never been in the building?

She listed the criteria under which I could get a new free library card (resident of carmel/clay township, I needed a valid address on a piece of identification and I needed to have never had an account before.) None of her listed items qualified me for a card, but luckily I'm quick on my feet and lied enough times to qualify myself. Unfortunately, after I told her that I lived in Carmel Twnsp, that the address on my license was valid (it's my parents' address - which is not my current address) and that I had never had an account before, I immediately realized that she would probably be able to see that I did, in fact have an account at one time, so I fessed up - "oh, you know what? I think I did have an account here a long time ago."

From there, my first visit to a library in seven years went downhill.

Sure enough, there I was on her computer screen. "Well since you have an account but no card, that means that this would be a replacement card and you'll have to pay $3 for a new one," she told me. Turns out it costs money to check out free books. I fork over the $3.00 and she hands me a card and says, "it looks like you have checked out items...you can't check anything out until payment is received."

Fees!!??? My account was suspended in 2004. The last time I checked out a book (coincidentally, an issue of Rolling Stone) was in 2001, and this woman is going to hang a bunch of fees over my head? "How much are we talking?" I ask. $27.50. I have wracked up $27.50 since 2001 for a magazine that costs $4.95 tops. I plead with the woman to just wipe my slate clean, for all I want is to check out a book and enjoy my first library experience in over half a decade. No luck. She won't let me check anything out until I pay my fees. So far, my library trip has cost me $30.50.

Since the book isn't even on hand, I ask if I can place a "hold" on it so that I can check it out when it does actually come in. She tells me I can, but that I needed to go to the computer in the middle of the room to do so. So I figure, I'll place a hold on the book and pay the fees later (or charm another unsuspecting librarian into erasing my fees). Of course, once I try to hold the book on the computer, the screen reads - USER BLOCKED. Great. I can't even put a hold on this $14.95 book that I've already paid $3.00 for and another $27.50 to come later....AND I have to get this book back in on time to avoid more fees!? No wonder I haven't been here in so long!

I decide to abort mission and head back to work. So final tally of events - I paid $3.00 for a library card that I can't use until I pay $27.50 for a $15.00 book that isn't even there yet.

...to make matters worse, someone has already put a hold on this ONE COPY of Boys Will be Boys book. So I was late. Going to the library is too much work. Maybe I'll go check back again in seven years.

Who Wants Man Meat!? - My 2008 Indianapolis Colts Preview

It’s here! The 2008 NFL season is upon us and you know what that means…time for my annual Indianapolis Colts preview – in other words, time for me to bore the ever-living crap out of 98% of the people reading this. Good times!

Last year was lackluster in producing juicy stories heading into the season – except for the Mike Vick story that somehow seems like it was 5 years ago that all went down. This year is different. This year, we’re all on pins and needles to see Brett Favre in a new uniform…riveting! Beyond that, the storylines this summer and preseason have revolved around injuries. Will Peyton Manning and Tom Brady be healthy for the season? Should pro-bowler Shawne Merriman risk his career to play this season with a torn MCL, or should he have surgery and rehab for next year? What will the New York Superbowl Giants do now that 2 of 3 of their defensive studs are gone (Strahan retired, Umenyiora out for the season)? I really can’t remember another time where so many key players are question marks heading into the season. Brady, Manning, Chad Johsnon, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Maurice Jones-Drew, Matt Hasselbeck, Braylon Edwards etc. etc. Fantasy football leagues all across the land are in peril from this outbreak of injuries. Unfortunately, the Colts are at the very tippy top of the mountain of injuries and there’s no real promise heading into the season that everything will be okay. Let’s begin.

Infected Bursa Sac Buddies!! ------------->

Strengths:

The re-acquisition of Dominic Rhodes – Yes, after experiencing the dark side, making irresponsible decisions and putting illegal substances into his body, Dominic “the prodigal” Rhodes has returned for a second stint with the Colts. If you remember way back in 2007 when the Colts became the rulers of the football world, Rhodes was the starter and focal point of the Colts’ running game. Rookie Joseph Addai was becoming a stud and a HUGE reason why the Colts finally beat the Patriots in the playoffs, but Rhodes was the guy who came up with the big plays when the Colts needed them – especially in the Superbowl against the Bears, where Rhodes ran for 113 yards and a touchdown on a rainy Miami night where the ground game was absolutely essential. A one year contract for $600,000 provides the team with very little risk and the potential for a very big reward if Rhodes can play the way he played in 06. Now Rhodes will be a backup and he knows this offense, so he’ll be able to fit right in. Addai suffered some injuries himself last year, so the addition of Rhodes in the backfield should help keep Addai fresh all season long.

Tony Dungy still lives here – Even if Rhodes was a troublemaker out in Oakland last year, he won’t dare screw up under Dungy’s reign. After weeks of speculation at the end of last season, Indianapolis exhaled one big collective breath when Dungy said he’d be returning for at least one more season. Even though I really have no clue what Dungy does during football games except wander back and forth on the sidelines with his arms crossed, just having him there watching the game makes me feel all snuggly inside.

Peyton Manning is still on the roster – All signs point to him playing in week one, but Manning hasn’t taken a snap all preseason long because he had an infected Bursa Sac removed from his knee in July. If Manning plays, then you can pencil in another 4,000 yard, 30-touchdown season. If he doesn’t play all of the games, then who would you rather have on the sidelines, coaching Jim “I’m a fan disguised as a quarterback” Sorgi through every fumble and interception?

Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison – BOTH have something to prove this year. Harrison wants to prove that he’s a) not washed up, and b) not a criminal. Wayne wants to prove that last year wasn’t a fluke and he ain’t nobody’s b!@#$.

Defense – I could sit here and write about how Bob Sanders just got back from Krypton, or how Dwight Freeney feels like a rookie again because he hasn’t been on a football field in 10 months, but that’d be too easy. No doubt, without those two players, the Colts defense would strug-gle this season. Instead, I want to say how I’m most looking forward to watching the likes of Antoine Bethea, Marlin Jackson, Kelvin Hayden and Freddie Keiaho come into their own after a few seasons under their belts. I believe Bethea is primed to become just as big of a beast as Sanders this year, and I think the hard-hitting combo of Jackson and Hayden can hang with any CB duo in the league. The Colts have a reputation of molding great linebackers (see: David Thornton, Mike Peterson, Cato June), and Keiaho has had a few seasons to get his feet wet. This is his breakout season. Unfortunately for Colts fans, the Colts also have a reputation of getting rid of said great linebackers immediately after they become great (see: David Thornton, Mike Peterson, Cato June). So enjoy him while you can.

Weaknesses

Injuries – I don’t have to say it, but starting the season with a plethora of injuries probably doesn’t serve well for a successful season. Sanders, Freeney, Manning and Harrison are all coming off of injuries and surgeries. Now that Manning seems to be coming back, his security hand warmer, Jeff Saturday goes down with an MCL injury and is out for at least six weeks. The Colts need all of these players on the field in order to be successful. Freeney missed most of last season and the pass rush was feeble at best – making Billy Volek look like the mutant child of Mike Vick and John Elway in last year’s playoff game against San Diego.

Special Teams – Good God can we please make some tackles on kickoff and punt coverage this year? It’s Indianapolis’ annual achilles heel. There’s no need to even write anything else…they’re going to be terrible. The Special Teams unit should be forced to watch this over and over and over until someone decides to make some tackles.

Offensive Line – The only real reason I think the O-line is a liability is because of Saturday’s injury. He’s gone for at least six weeks and his backup, Ryan Lilja is also on the physically unable to perform list. So now we’ve got a collection of three rookies who could be snapping to Peyton Manning. Suffice it to say that when you’re bed-side tonight saying your prayers, throw one or two in there for Saturday’s little knee ligaments and Peyton Manning’s tolerance for pain.

Rivals:

New England – Screw Tom Brady and screw Bill Belichick. I hope they lose every game and Brett Favre rockets a laser right into Belichick’s eardrum. Patriots won 18 games in a row last year, but lost the biggest one. Then their team got worse when key players left for free agency. They’ll still probably be really good since they have the easiest schedule in the entire league – but they’re not the same team they were last year.

Jacksonville -Jacksonville makes it their yearly mission to knock the AFC South Crown off the Colts heads. They draft players and acquire free agents for the sole purpose of beating Indianapolis even though they’ve never topped the Colts for the division title. And they finally have a quarterback. This year is as good as any for the Jags to finally win the AFC South unless they meltdown like usual and act like their whining head coach.

Prediction:

The Colts will win their division, but it will be closer than in years past. They’re not going to take the last two games of the season off to rest their starters. Jacksonville, Tennessee and Houston all got better in the off-season. The Colts will join New England as one the top two teams in the AFC, earning themselves a bye in round 1 of the playoffs. Other playoff teams will be – Steelers, Chargers, Jets, Jaguars. If the Colts overcome these injuries, I see no reason why they shouldn’t win the AFC this year. They’re older, but they have better players on their roster than the 2006 roster when they won the Superbowl. I say they meet Dallas in Tampa this year, and Tony Romo will spend Superbowl week on vacation with his girlfriend and her dad, lose his focus and collapse like he does every year in big games. Colts win!

...of course, if all of these injuries prove to keep their key players out for significant time, forget I said any of this.

Now That's More Like It. Let the Games Begin.

Now I’m ready. It takes me a while to warm up to it, but now I’m here. Every year in February, as the NFL season comes to a close, I look forward to things like baseball spring training, NCAA March Madness, 40 games in 40 nights of NBA Playoffs, new season of Shot at Love with Tila Tequilla...so I get my sports and entertainment fix after the NFL season comes to a close. By the time the Superbowl is over each year, I’m ready for a break from football.

The NFL times their off-season perfectly. By the time September rolls around, I’ve watched enough Hard Knocks, seen enough of Trey and the fellas, and played enough Madden, that football begins to sweat out of my pores. By June of this year, I became a bit worried because I noticed myself impartial to watching football. I wasn’t ready. In July, the mere thought of grinding out a season week in and week out watching the Colts wasn't tickling my typically highly-football-stimulated fancy. I was a little nervous. Maybe the NFL had worn out its welcome with me and my passionate loyalty.

But then today I read this and immediately felt the fire re-ignite inside of my belly. So now I'm ready. Let the games begin, boys! To read that Tom Brady is injured and Bill Belichick is still an ass to anyone who doesn't employ him gave me the shot in the arm I needed. Last year, Belichick was caught cheating during games, and after being fined $500,000, he later personally apologized at an owners' meeting in the offseason because he knew that the rest of the league was beginning to think he was a bastard just like the fans had thought all season long.

The thing I can't stand about Belichick is that he never tells the whole story. Why did you cheat and spy on other teams? "well I just misinterpreted the rule and the league-wide memo that was sent to me days before I was caught...just a misunderstanding and I've moved past it." That's it, and that's all we got from him. After he apologized to the owners in the NFL, I thought that he might change his arrogant ways. Nope.

He's notorious for "mocking" the league or reporters when it comes to injury reports. He has listed Brady on the injury report every week as "probable" for three years now. Brady's never once missed a game in that time span. And heaven forbid a reporter ask as to why Belichick is doing this!! He'll mock them for asking and arrogantly wave them off like their questions are ridiculous.

This most recent foot injury kept Brady out of last week's pre-season game. Whether the injury is legit or not remains to be seen. And given Belichick's history with fudging the reports, it's not ridiculous to assume that the media might have questions if this is a real injury that actually kept the guy who has been on the injury report for three years out of a game. So someone asked: If this was a regular season game, would Brady have played?

Instead of answering the question, Belichick in all of his Narcissistic glory responds, "well it's not a regular season game."

NO $@*#! SHERLOCK! THAT WASN'T THE @#$*^!$# QUESTION!

Then someone had the gull to ask his majesty if keeping the injured Brady out was precautionary (another way of asking the first question) - and Belichick said he wouldn't characterize it...thanks for the insight, try not to stab yourself with scissors as you're cutting the sleeves off of your stupid sweatshirt, you banshee.

Two things fire me up in sports more than anything - Belichick and Tom Brady. But ultimately, I'd probably either like or at least not-hate Brady if he had never played for Belichick...so it all comes back to my hatred for this cheating coach that thinks more of himself than anyone else ever could.

So it's August 18. Season starts in two weeks. Brady's kind of hurt and Belichick is in full bastard-form. The only question left to ask is - are you ready? I am.

Guns Don’t Kill People, Failed Dress Code Policies Do

Remember how I said that I can’t seem to unsubscribe from CNN’s daily Top 10 emails? Well MSNBC recently joined in on the onslaught – sending me anywhere up to 35 emails per day containing “breaking news” that hit my inbox like the waves of a never-ending annoying ocean.

It’s questionable whether I ever signed up to receive CNN’s emails. I visit www.cnn.com on a daily basis, so I could see how I could get tangled up in all the up-to-the-minute-news-goodness; making my finger become a loose cannon as I start clicking on things that sign me up to receive emails 20 times a day.

But MSNBC??? I haven’t been to their website since it was the default homepage on my two-year old dell laptop I use for work. To give you an idea of how many emails I receive per day – I’m writing this at 2:33pm EST on Friday afternoon and I already have 14 emails from MSNBC for the day. (As I was typing this paragraph, I received number 15)

Now most would say that I’m receiving Spam or Spyware…and I’m pretty sure they’d be right. But I’m no fool, I see the letters “MSNBC” and I know what that stands for… “trustworthy” and “this is real stuff.” So I can’t help but click on it. Weird… there’s no breaking news at all! All of these emails sent me to a bunch of dead links. Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

(Note: Sure enough – as soon as I clicked on the link, my computer started vacuuming demons into it – ultimately leading to my wallpaper (permanently) disappearing and a sign reading: Warning, you have 687 (not an exaggeration) viruses on your computer. Good Times.)

Anyways – before I knew the emails were from an imposter MSNBC, I went to the real MSNBC site to unsubscribe from the emails they were, in fact, not sending me. And I read this very real story.

This dynamic duo of parents are suing their slain son’s school system because the school allowed the boy to wear makeup and feminine clothes – ultimately, the parents believe, leading to his murder on school grounds.

Their son was 15 years old and in 8^th grade when he was shot…which means he a) wasn’t legally an adult or legally qualified to live by himself, b) could not sneak out of the house early so mom and dad wouldn’t see him, and drive to school in a car. He either got a ride from the parents or the bus, or he walked to school.

So in other words, the parents, whom I assume lived in the same building as their son, are suing the school for allowing their son to look the way he looked when they let him walk out of their house every morning. The school let a child bring a gun to school, but the victim’s parents are choosing to sue the school for not making their boy take off mom’s makeup.

According to MSNBC, the boy’s parents said faculty members “knew their son had ‘unique vulnerabilities’ and was subject to abuse because of his sexual orientation.” How does it not click with the parents when they think to themselves, “we KNOW that you people knew of his ‘unique vulnerabilities,’” that maybe they themselves knew that information also…and probably even first!

Look, it’s a terrible terrible thing to experience a tragedy such as this. And it’s even worse that it’s an apparent hate crime. And if it’s against dress code for boys to wear makeup and dresses to school, then boys should not be wearing makeup and dresses, and clearly this boy was breaking that policy. But I have to believe that it’s also against school policy for a kid to possess and fire a firearm on school grounds.

Someone should tell Larry King’s (not the crotchety CNN anchor) parents that their son didn’t die because he was dressing up like a girl. He died because bullets fatally entered his body. Someone should tell his parents that if they insist on believing his life ended because he dressed up in women’s clothes, then it’s because THEY allowed it to happen first.

So really, I’m thankful for the viruses that are currently lighting my computer on fire and helping it move at the speed of a paralyzed sloth. If it weren’t for these 687 viruses I downloaded from a fake news network story email, I never would have read the real breaking news alert that people are idiotic.

...But God Doesn't Have Breasts...

I have unsubscribed to CNN”s “Top 10 news stories” email five times now. They refuse to take me off the list. So in reading the Top 10 for the day, I came across the “Number 3” story for August 7, 2008 – “Mega Preacher’s Wife Being Sued over Loss of Faith”…oh!? That sounds interesting, let me click on that!

I came to discover that CNN duped me. Being sued for “a loss of faith,” and being sued for “assault” at least seem to be different things. A few things before I step up on an orange crate and start hurling fruit…

First, is it assault for denying your personal religious faith? If so, who are you assaulting…God? Maybe the flight attendant is a metaphor for God…maybe Ms. Osteen was elbowing God in the left breast. Can you be sued for a personal, internal choice of faith? Are you losing your faith if you decide to “elbow someone in the left breast?” Can you even “lose” your faith? I guess what I’m getting at is….what does belief in God, gravity, oxygen or the sun have to do with assaulting a flight attendant? And no where in this article does it say that Ms. Osteen was being sued for her lack of faith like the headline would lead you to believe.

I’m confident I’m still allowed to believe in God if I’m caught beating down an unsuspecting flight attendant (male of course…of course I know I’m going to hell if I elbow a woman).

I don’t know who Victoria Osteen is, but apparently she’s famous in Texas Christian circles. Whoever she is, I’m sure I wouldn’t like her…for I don’t like anyone that would lay a finger on flight attendants, the angels of our skies. But even so, whether she’s famous or not, just because she KO’d another human being, and in turn, received word that she was being sued does not mean that A) she’s no longer a person of faith, and B) she’s being sued because of her lack of faith, CNN…shame shame. Keep in mind that this is the 3^rd MOST POPULAR story of the day…so I know I’m not the only schmuck out there. This story is not news. If it is news, it’s certainly not the 3^rd biggest news story in the world or America…the only reason it reached such a prominent status is because of the bogus headline.

Speaking of CNN, maybe the headline guy had to leave work early and didn’t read the story before crankin out some half-baked headlines – or maybe they were hurting for click-throughs on the site today...The real story here is how CNN completely mislead me into reading a stupid story that had nothing to do with anything I cared about. I would genuinely care if someone was really being sued because they had “lost their faith.” I don’t care if someone is being sued for assault. Assault – it makes sense to pay a consequence by the law and government. Backsledding – none of the law’s beeswax. I just wasted 30 minutes of my life on this stupid fake story, and then 10 minutes trying to come up with my very own fake headline. I’m so angry, I feel like assaulting someone…no time for that though, I need to go unsubscribe from CNN’s Top 10, and then go pray and catch my flight.

What We Can Learn From an Average Movie

I recently saw the picture show, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I didn’t know if it’d be something like Superbad – in that it’s something I’d want to see a minimum of 19 times before being satisfied of its humor, or something like Hot Rod – in that it’s something that’d make me take a year-long hiatus from watching any movie that included a single cast member from Hot Rod. My final submission is that Marshall is healthily somewhere in between. While being an average movie, this is not a film review. I want to talk about the important lessons learned here - and take 30 minutes out of my life that I'll never get back...(yay for distractions!)

(quick recap – and spoiler alert – though I’m not sure it matters) Peter Bretter was dumped by smoking hot Sarah Marshall. He loved her. He lost her. He ends up going to Hawaii for a vacation – and escape from his former life full of Sarah Marshall memories. On his vacation, low and behold, Marshall shows up to the same resort that Bretter is staying at with her new-and-improved rockstar boyfriend. Oh the suspense! Long story short, Peter meets smoking hot Rachel Jansen, employee at the resort. They fall in love. He gets over Marshall. End of story. A free ticket (thanks Jordan) well spent.

Now, what did I take away from this movie? Surprisingly, I left with my head in quite the knot of confusion. I shall make an effort to untie now by making three points of my new education. From what I gather, if Forgetting Sarah Marshall were a real story, we could walk away applying these three principles and guidelines to our lives and come out on top:

1. If a smoking hot girlfriend dumps you, treats you like crap, and continues to make your life hell by flaunting her “life is better without you” story in your face…be patient, because the girl you’re about to date is twice as hot and 10x more cool.
2. Despite a lifetime of instructions and advice from two sisters, a mother, various girl friends, and countless gossip magazines (don't you dare judge me), I found it’s ok to tell girls that you’re broken hearted. They’ll understand, and maybe even think that you’re cool because of it – and if you’re lucky, they’ll join forces with you to get back at the source of your broken soul….hmmm.
3. The breaker-upper is always a liar if they tell you, “I really want you to be happy.”
   

If a smoking hot girlfriend dumps you, messes with your head, and continues to make your life hell by flaunting her “life is better without you” story in your face…be patient, because the girl you’re about to date is twice as hot and 10x more cool.

Marshall is played by Kristen Bell...uhhh yeah. It’d be an understatementt of the century if I said Bretter lucked out with that relationship. He has the body of Will Ferrell – only 15 years younger. He's ordinary, but not boring. He’s funny, but not hilarious. His dream is to create Dracula rock opera featuring puppets, for crying out loud…and he landed freakin Sarah Marshall!! That’s all well and good…you can convince me that this is real after I drink two beers. But you mean to tell me that this guy is gonna make it happen with Marshall, get dumped and immediately (within 3 weeks time) score the attention of Rachel Jensen!!?? For the record – Rachel Jensen (Mila Kunis) is twice as beautiful and infinitely more real than Ms. Marshall. All Peter had to do was leave Marshall alone, be patient, not bother her and make an honest attempt at getting past her…and in walks this goddess into his life.

I can’t help but think the casting department didn’t do their jobs correctly for this movie. Isn’t the rebound girl NOT supposed to be the hottest girl in the entire movie? Wouldn’t it make more sense that the hottest girl/fakest girl in the movie breaks up with the guy, then sees him with a less-hot, yet cute and down-to-earth/more real girl that makes him truly happy and he really loves? Then she could get pissed at him and his new girl but she couldn't compete because true beauty is internal? Wouldn’t this drive her nuts as opposed to seeing her former flame happy with someone who is the prime rib to her meatball? Of course a prime rib would make someone happier than a meatball. If I'm dumped, then see my ex-girlfriend out with Brad Pitt, I'll be jealous, but I'll understand...it's Brad Pitt. I know this is a movie, and fake, but I think about these things…and feel you should too.

(side note – I’d be happy to live a life full of eating meatballs if the meatball looked like Kristen Bell…but that’s not the point.)

The Peter, Sarah, Rachel triangle is the equivalent to winning the 150 million dollar lottery, losing half on taxes, then getting kicked in the nuts and having the rest stolen from you in your brand new mansion as you watch the robber drive off in your Ferrari…then after you’re homeless and broke again, you stumble upon 400 million dollars, Dave Ramsey and a slew of bodyguard/security enforcement people offering you a lifetime of free money management tips and promising you that you’ll never be broke or kicked in the nuts again. Now that’s what I call a turn around!

Despite a lifetime of instructions and advice from two sisters, a mother, various girl friends, and countless gossip magazines (don’t you dare judge me), I found it’s ok to tell girls that you’re broken hearted. They’ll understand, and maybe even think that you’re cool because of it – and if you’re lucky, they’ll join forces with you to get back at the source of your broken soul…hmmm.

Like I said – all Peter had to do was put forth the effort to get over Sarah Marshall. He didn’t hide his pain. When he met Rachel, he told her within the first five minutes of meeting her that he was only there to get away from heart break. You want to know how cool Rachel Jensen is? She gave him a free four-night-stay in a $6000 per-night room BECAUSE of his condition. Then she continued to see him and hang out with him – never making the situation uncomfortable because of his obvious inability to get over Sarah. He never hid his emotions either. She totally dug it. She went out on dates with him, wanted to hear about his dream of a puppet rock opera, slept with him – she even went out of her way to make Sarah question her decision to date an STD riddled rockstar rather than Peter.

Is this real? I need feedback. What planet does this happen on? Do girls see past the pathetic-ness of a guy wallowing in his piña colada sorrows? I’ve been told throughout my life that when you meet new people/girls, you must must must never bring up your past heartbreak – especially if you’re still dealing with it. Wouldn't it be wonderful to live in a world where your honesty was the most important thing to people you don't know? I can hear you - "oh Tyler, I'd much rather a guy/girl be honest with me than not." No you wouldn't. If you meet an amazing person, you don't want to know how un-amazing they feel while talking to you because their thoughts are with someone else. You don't want to know that. You want them to keep it to themselves to not make the situation awkward. You don't want to worry about being compared, used etc. Rachel Jensen wanted to know. She's an angel.

(side note: I still suggest we keep information and emotions like tragedy to ourselves unless Rachel Jensen walks into our lives…and even then - I call dibs....suckas!)

The breaker-upper is always a liar if they tell you, “I really want you to be happy.”

“Peter, I love you. I just think we’ve grown apart ... and I want you to be happy.” Give me a break, cobra woman. If you wanted Peter to be happy, you wouldn’t have cheated nor broken up with him, right? Peter was happy (for better or worse) before you uttered “we need to talk.” I’m pretty sure that was the exact moment he became unhappy - judging by the look on his face when he dropped his towel to the floor, forcing the entire theater of unsuspecting patrons to see his man-meat.

Then when you saw him actually being happy, Sarah Marshall, you became pissed that he was happy, then wanted him back. I know…it’s unheard of behavior for women.

It should go without saying that if “I want you to be happy” comes out of your mouth as you break someone’s heart, then you’re a liar. You want YOU to be happy. You want them to be unhappy because at that moment, you're unhappy. We don't want to know that the people we hurt are getting better faster than we are. Sarah Marshall thought she owned Peter. Let's face it...he begged her not to leave him. She was in control. She wouldn't admit it to him (why would she?), but it gave her a sense of satisfaction to know that the poor guy was struggling to get over her. What she didn't expect is that Rachel Jensen was working the desk at the lavish Hawaiian resort - and once Peter got happy, Sarah became severely insecure with her decision. Go figure...turns out, she didn't really want him happy. She wanted him subdued.

Next time I break up with someone and suggest that I really want them to be happy, I will punch myself in my own face – you heard it here first, folks.

Since we've come this far, let's talk about the most important things we can take from this non-serious, mindless movie- What's the lesson here – well, three things really…1) mediocre movies are movies too and deserve our thoughts and reflection. 2) Mila Kunis is a bombshell. 3) Hollywood created the perfect girl - and as much as I'd love to say that stuff like this happens in real life - it seems Forgetting Sarah Marshall is the perfect storm for disaster if applied to real life. Awesome. At least we have a figure to look to for new hope in our sadness - thanks Rachel.

You Ever Dance With Romney in the Pale Moonlight?

Enough is Enough
I had stopped writing on this blog for quite some time. If there’s one thing that can bring me out of a five month blog-writing-hiatus, it’s an election year. Like anyone, I have opinions about what’s going on in America right now.

Whether your opinion supports a specific candidate or your opinion falls along the lines of “I don’t follow politics because a) I don’t understand it, b) politicians are all the same, c) I’m too lazy to care about who is running the country I live in,” you still have an opinion. So do I.

I’ve been closely following this race of who’s who in the bout of being president for about a year and a half. I watched as candidates announced the beginnings of their campaigns, and I’ve watched candidates gracefully bow out one-by-one.

Ignorance is Super
After last week’s Super Tuesday voting day, we’re now left with four serious candidates to choose from as the nominee for the democratic and republican parties in the general election – Obama (D), Clinton (D), McCain (R) and Huckabee (R) (and Ron Paul (R)).

(Note – for the record, I am supporting Obama. This entry may not sound like it to some people, but I am. I’m also a Christian. This entry may not sound like it to some people, but I am.)

By my estimation, Huckabee (R) is still in the running because of the Christian conservative votes in the recent primaries. He used to be a pastor and uses his faith as a platform in this race. So he connected with people who look to vote for someone who uses their faith as a platform to be the president of the United States – which (unfortunately) is a lot of people.

Be Careful What You Pray For
Mitt Romney is not a Christian. He’s a Mormon. He was running for president as part of the Republican Party. He’s no longer in the race. He suspended his campaign this week because he had a disappointing (for him) turnout in the polls and voting booths at Super Tuesday.

Before he left, Romney was considered by many conservatives to be the “most conservative candidate” of the candidates remaining.

Conservatives are hesitant to get behind McCain because they think he’s too liberal. But McCain is the front runner and the imminent Republican candidate when it comes time to vote in November. So he’s all they got.

Why did Romney leave? I read an article from the New York Times, and according to Timothy Egan, Romney left because of this.

Egan writes, “Blame Christians. By significant margins, in poll after poll, in vote after vote a solid block of evangelical Christians said they would never vote for a Mormon.”

Explain Yourselves
To evangelical Christians:
NEVER?? So if the candidate had views and opinions and policies that best represented your beliefs on how a country should be run, but they were Mormon, you wouldn’t support them?? Ever? Even if it means you throw out the guy you consider the best representative of your party for a guy that you question whether he’s even a conservative?

I’m so tired of this unwritten rule among Christians (or maybe some super-christians will argue that it is written) that if you’re a Christian, you must vote for a Christian candidate to lead a country full of non-Christians. Brilliant. It happened in 2000, 2004 and it’s happening now. This rule got George Bush elected. It kept him in office. Now look at yourselves.

Forget about Christianity preaching financial responsibility and peace – let’s keep the guy who started two wars and created the country’s greatest deficit ever. Forget about Jesus Christ pleading with followers to love our enemies, let’s elect the guy invades countries without a real distinct cause or direction. Nevermind what the Bible says about suppressing our pride and selfishness, let’s invite the guy back to the White House who “stays the course” no matter how many wise and in-touch people are telling him that his selfish agenda is aimless and costing the lives of thousands of people – including Americans. Forget about all of this when voting for a candidate because at least he reads his Bible, goes to church and believes in God.

The Point
The personal religious beliefs of a president should not be at the top of the list of criteria we’re counting when we go to vote. It shouldn’t even be in the top ten. Just because someone believes in God does not mean they’re the best fit to run this country.

Educate yourselves on the issues and needs of this country. Form a belief for yourself and what you deem is important for this country to have. Then vote for the person that best parallels what you find. Is it really important to have a Christian in the oval office? Is that a dire need for this country to have? Is it so important that you’ll neglect the candidates that best represent your party’s values for other candidates that are questionable?

I didn’t even like Mitt Romney. He was actually my least favorite candidate throughout the entire race. I thought he was arrogant and didn’t have the proper direction when it came to fix the problems we’re facing with our suffering economy. I didn’t think that his approach to resolving the war in Iraq was sufficient. He changed what he stood for so often that I think he had no idea what he finally stood for. I don’t think he would have made a good president. I don’t think McCain will either.
But this is not about them. It’s about why we as voters do what we do. I’m not trying to tell you who to vote for. I’m just trying to tell you that personal religious beliefs don’t best represent a country full of millions of people who don’t believe the same as you. I’m trying to tell you that there is so much more to a country and a presidential race than the religious beliefs of a candidate.

There is something wrong when people go to the polls and already know they’ll never vote for someone who believes in a different God. That’s selfish and does not have the best needs of the country at the forefront of our minds when we act like that.

Settle Down Everyone
Please, evangelical Christians – stop. Just stop. Stop screwing everything up. You’re making the rest of us Christians look bad. You’re justifying the critics and skeptics who say Christians are crazy, ignorant and out-of-touch. Please stop.

…Or I’ll just have to continue writing on this blog.

Who wants Man Meat!? - My 2007 Indianapolis Colts preview.

You smell that? It smells like a party. Or like victory…it smells like a victory party!! The NFL season opens up this weekend and I, for one, couldn’t be more gorged with elation.

A couple of things:

1. The Indianapolis Colts are defending champs. That feels good to say.
2. There are plenty of story lines to follow this season once the regular season gets underway – will the Atlanta Falcons pick themselves off the ground after the Michael Vick escapade? Are the New Orleans Saints still America’s team? Can Peyton repeat? Does he have to repeat? How long until Rex Grossman is benched? How long until the Madden curse knocks Vince Young out with a torn ACL? How dominant will the (shudder) Patriots be? How many players will Roger Goodell suspend due to off-the-field problems (currently stands at four – Tank Johnson, Pacman Jones, Chris Henry and Vick)? How many players (and assistant coaches) will he suspend due to steroids and human growth hormones (currently stands at two – Rodney Harrison and Wade Wilson)? And finally, is John Madden still alive?

I’m participating in about 52 fantasy football leagues this year. Now that all of my drafts are complete, I’ve decided to share a brief summary of this experience.

The rundown:

• I officially sold my soul and drafted Tom Brady in nearly every league this year. This is what is wrong with sports; you grow up hating a team and everything they stand for, and as soon as money gets involved – and a few studs for receivers (Stallworth, Moss, Welker) are added to your enemy’s roster - you can’t help yourself but take someone like Brady. He’s going to have a huge year. Needless to say, I wouldn’t blame the football gods for making me lose every single game in every single league this season one bit.
• I don’t have a single Colts’ player in any league. This could be good or bad. This can be good because now I can root for the Colts without any ulterior motives of selfish gain. This could also be bad because I will also be hoping that players on other teams do well. (Note – this has been a struggle for over a year now, but I have decided that I cannot and will not root for a player on my fantasy football team if they’re playing against the Colts on a particular week. This is a harder decision to make than some people realize. I now know one of the reasons why sports-betting is frowned upon.)
• I have LaDainian Tomlinson in two leagues – interpretation – I have the keys to the Corvette on a lot full of Cavaliers. However, I can’t decide if my acquisition of LDT is nullified by the acquisition of Brady. Clearly, I didn’t think this tradeoff through. This is like taking a smoking-hot girl to dinner, only to choose the restaurant in the lobby of a hotel that happens to be hosting a male model convention (if such a thing exists) and watching your girl exit with someone named Djimon. I’ll find out soon enough, I suppose.

Onto the Indianapolis Colts’ 2007-2008 preview – I’m going to run down the list of different areas of this year’s team and grade each group based on a simple F (meaning bad) through A (meaning good) scale to determine how ready the Colts are to defend their crown.

OFFENSE -
Rushing – Joe Addai returns this year as the sole starter. Last year he backed up Dominic Rhodes, but Rhodes has since split for a bigger pay-day and terrible team in Oakland. Addai is the man this year. He’s expected to be in the top five in the league in rushing yards this season. He’s returning from a 1000 yard rushing season last season (not bad for a rookie backup runner) and will be expected to improve on that number this year. He’s joined in the backfield by the dynamite duo of Kenton Keith and Luke Lawton, two unknowns that aren’t expected to contribute more than a couple of plays here and there so Addai doesn’t burn himself out in three games. (A-)

Passing – This should go unsaid, but I’ll say it anyways – Peyton Manning still plays here. Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne are both healthy and primed for another 1200 yards-a-piece season. The Colts’ first round draft pick comes by the name of Anthony Gonzalez from Ohio State and should fit in quite beautifully in this offense, replacing the injury-prone Brandon Stokely and giving the Colts a solid and consistent slot receiver that proved to be so successful in Manning’s 49-touchdown season in 2004. Tight end Dallas Clark, one of Manning’s favorite targets, is healthy as well, so the air attack is scarily looking better than ever before. (A+)

Offensive Line – In years past, the offensive line has arguably been the best in the league. They ought to be the best in the league. They’re protecting the highest paid football player in the league. With the abrupt departure of Tarik Glenn, the Colts were forced to plug the biggest hole (literally and figuratively) in the dam that is the Indianapolis offensive line. Glenn was a pro-bowler. Peyton Manning has never professionally played with another Left Tackle. Glenn was responsible for protecting Manning’s blind-side. He’s replaced with a rookie out of Arkansas, Tony Ugoh. He didn’t expect to be starting this early in his career, but Ugoh needs to step up right away with one of the biggest responsibilities on the entire roster. Ugoh joins veterans Ryan Lilja, Ryan Diem, Jake Scott and Jeff Saturday on the line charged with not skipping a beat from last year. Manning is one of the fewest sacked QB’s in the league and it is expected to stay that way. (B)

OFFENSE TOTAL – (A-)

DEFENSE -
Defensive Line – I’m sure I speak for everyone in Indianapolis when I say Corey Simon can kiss our collective anuses. Simon is the guy that was brought on by the Colts to help stop the run in 2005 after Philadelphia dumped him. Turns out, Simon was interested in playing half a season and collecting a huge paycheck ($14 million for 13 games). He sat out the entire 2006 season with an “undisclosed illness.” Reports came out that he was just being lazy and didn’t want to play. Even though he didn’t play a single down in 2006, I’m quite certain he collected his championship ring. He was dropped by the Colts in early August 2007, and recently signed with Tennessee. Good riddance, Douchebag.

The line is anchored by Dwight Freeney, who needs to step up in a big way this year(after just signing a $72 million contract) after a 2006 season that didn’t bring the same numbers that Colts fans have been used to for the past couple of years. He’s joined on the line by Robert Mathis, Rahim Brock and rookie Ed Johnson who replaces Anthony McFarland after he went down to injury in training camp. The loss of McFarland is a concern for the Colts, seeing as how they had one of the worst rushing defenses in the league last year. (C)

Linebackers - The ever revolving door of above average linebackers continued to spin this offseason with the loss of Cato June. That makes three solid linebackers (Mike Peterson, David Thornton, June) in the last six years to leave the Colts because the team couldn’t afford to keep them. That leaves Rob Morris, Gary Brackett and Freddy Keiaho at the helm of the defense. Morris helped save the season last year with his stellar performance in last year’s postseason. Brackett is steady, and Keiaho is unproven. In my opinion, this part of the team (other than the dismal Special Teams) has the most question marks going into the season. (D+)

Defensive Backs – As the linebackers have gotten weaker in the offseason, the Colts’ DBs have definitely improved from last year. Kelvin Hayden and Marlin Jackson are definite improvements over the often overmatched Jason David and the rickety Nick Harper of last year. Joining them in the backfield is Antoine Bethea and superman Bob Sanders, who is campaigning for the “guy most likely to kill someone on the football field.” He’s a human missile. If he can stay healthy this season, which is highly unlikely with his style of play, the DB’s should be in decent shape. (C)

DEFENSE FINAL GRADE – (C)

Special Teams – Kicking: the best still wears blue (Vinatieri). Punting: trusty Hunter Smith has the easiest job in the NFL punting for the most potent offense in the league. Coverage: This team was one of the worst kick and punt coverage teams in the league last year. It’ll be interesting to see how they perform this year without major improvements in personnel in the offseason. I’d like to grade this group higher because of Vinatieri, but not even he can make up for the atrocious performance of the collective group. (F)

Coaching – Who doesn’t like Tony Dungy? This might be his last season, and he hasn’t lost the fire. Not much to write here, except I can’t wait to see all of the stories about how Tony Dungy was the first black coach to coach a season following a Superbowl victory. That’s really interesting. I had no idea he was black. (A)

FINAL 2007 INDIANAPOLIS COLTS GRADE – (B+)

We all know that a B+ is good enough to win the rotten division the Colts play in (Titans, Jaguars, Texans). I look at it this way: if every team is an average of a (C), then the Colts are clearly above average, which proves to be the case year after year. Plus I weighted the Special Teams grade a bit because they’re not on the field more than a few plays per game. Instead of representing 25% of the grade, they now represent about 10-15% of the final grade.

So I will be at the Colts’ opening game against the Saints. I will be watching every televised game on Sunday. It is time. Football season has arrived. I just pray the football gods are gentle this year and forgive my apparent secret man-crush on Tom Brady.

who let the stinky gorilla in the room?

I’m writing this blog from my brand new (I got it two weeks ago) computer. You’re reading the same highbrow literary goodness, but it just feels different writing it. I feel like a different person – a better person, if you will. I’ve been waiting for this computer since January, and after multiple manufacturing/release delays, I finally have my hands on one. I pretty much nabbed a golden ticket to Wonka’s factory.

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I performed my first live show (solo) in over a year last night. I haven’t played in Indy since 2001. Here’s the setup –

A company called Gorilla Productions contacted me on myspace about a month ago. They said something to the effect of “blah blah blah Battle of the Bands come get your name out there August 26, blah.” (Note: Let me say that I appreciate Gorilla for finding me and asking me to be a part of this. I don’t blame them for the story about to be told. I’m thankful for the opportunity despite how this entry may or may not read).

So I signed up as a solo act. I was told I was the only solo act. This turned out to be erroneous and a reflection of events that will be explained in better detail shortly. On August 3, I was told I would receive tickets in the next few days (I realize that “few” is somewhat relative) that I would need to sell and market for the show. The more tickets I sold, the better time slot I’d get at the show. Sounds simple enough. Sounds great. I was on board.

The trouble began about August 17 (two weeks after that phone call) when the tickets finally arrived. The first problem being that the tickets took two weeks to arrive. There were 100 tickets in the bunch, and I had one week to sell as many as possible to try and not get the 6:00 slot. No one wants the 6:00 slot. No one would have been there, and more importantly no one would have been drunk enough to cheer like maniacs. (Note: maniacal cheering turned out to be the sole determining factor in who took the crown for this competition.)

I was still on board. One week and I had home-court advantage being that Birdy’s is a mere 15-minute drive from my house.

When the tickets arrived I noticed a subtle flaw in the ink-design. Instead of the tickets reading “Gorilla Productions presents Battle of the Bands featuring – Tyler Bender,” the tickets read “Gorilla Productions presents Battle of the Bands featuring – Tyler Beader.” You can see where I might get upset. How the F#@&! am I supposed to market myself and sell these tickets for a person that doesn’t exist? Whatever, I sold 47 tickets. Let’s recap…tickets are two weeks later than promised, and my name is that of an invisible person. Strike two, fellas.

Fast forward to the day of the show. I was told to show up at 4:00. I was there at 4:15. No one else showed up to the bar until 5:00. No one from Gorilla answered their phones. I was sitting outside by myself for a good while until the lovely Summer showed up at about 5:15. So I had to choose time slots. I chose 9:45. Great.

Well the band that sold the most tickets (or something) showed up at about 5:50 (10 minutes before showtime. They were stuck with a terrible slot and grumbled and bellyached until they got the time they wanted. Unfortunately, that pushed the rest of us back a half hour. This would have been fine had everyone known what time we were playing in advance rather than waiting for nearly 2 hours for Summer to juggle the times again and again. So I was pushed back until 10:15. I picked 9:45. I would not have picked 10:15. Strike three.

Remember when I said judging was based on audience cheering/reaction/applause? Well this whole contest is taking place on a Sunday night. That’s the day before Monday when 98% of America goes to work in the morning. So pushing this contest back at least a half-hour for two guys who couldn’t show up when they were instructed to, is somewhat (extremely) ridiculous. Not to mention that the allotted time for setup and take down was massively underrated. So the judging didn’t happen until midnight. Judging amounted to Summer going on stage and reading off the lineup on a sheet of paper and listening to people clap.

Thanks be to those that stuck around to cheer and clap for me during the “voting.” Jordan, Aubrey, Becca, Abby, Heather, Katie, Katie, Katie, Mitch, Andy, Mindy and Collin. They gave a valiant effort. Unfortunately for everyone an inexperienced teenage homeless man’s “New Found Glory” band that had never played in front of a live audience had the most people in the room at the time of the voting. So they won. Congrats on your victory, fellas.

I don’t think I should have won. I think another band should have won. I do not think the band that won should have been in the top-5. Whatever.

My show went well. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. I accomplished my goals:

1. Make a good impression on the venue – Birdy’s apparently really enjoyed my set and made sure to get my contact info from me before I left.
2. Introduce myself to other local bands for the chance to play with them – A band called The Last Good Year (also the band that had my vote for the band that should have won) introduced themselves to me and asked me if I’d be interested in opening for them sometime. We exchanged myspace information and we were on our way.
3. Put on a good show for the people who bought tickets to see Tyler Beader put on a good show. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. Even Mindy said she liked it. Mindy is the same girl that said that she didn’t like my music but was only coming to support me.

So after all of the dog and pony charades that took place over the last few weeks, it ended up being quite satisfactory. Again, I don’t blame any particular party for the craziness. It’s all part of the business, I suppose.

One piece of advice for production companies – please make sure you promote bands properly and don’t misrepresent them. Honor your commitment to making them look good. The bands will do their part in trying to make you look good by showing up and selling your tickets. When you make the voting a joke for a “battle” of the bands, then it doesn’t bode well for your reputation. When you print the wrong names of the band that are selling your tickets on your promotional pieces, it makes you look amateur. I had a good time last night. But it wasn’t because it was a great easy process and show to be a part of. It was because of the people that came to see me. It was because of the hospitality of the venue.

Thanks to everyone for coming to support me. I hope you enjoyed the show. Thanks to Birdy's for hosting. Thanks to Gorilla for putting the event on.

Check out pictures from the show here (thanks to Mindy for taking these)

Asterisks!: Where legends are born*

Barry Bonds finally made his history. 756. Or, to please some of you – 756*.

Did he cheat? Did he stain the ultimate sports record by rubbing Creams and Clears on his body? Did he sell out his ethics for money and records?

Hank Aaron previously held the record for most career home runs for over 33 years. No one doubts that Aaron did it clean. A lot of people doubt that Bonds did. Do I? I’d guess he used steroids. The reason I can’t be sure is because he’s never tested positive for steroids. He’s never failed a drug test. I assume he used steroids only because of this. He used to be skinny. Now the total weight of what he used to weigh has transfixed itself into his head, with the rest of his body looking like the Hulk.

But what would have happened had Mark McGwire broken the record? McGwire was one of the players who put baseball back on the map with his slugging in 1998. He broke Roger Maris’ record of most home runs in a season. He made baseball relevant again in America. He is also widely believed to have taken steroids throughout his career. We never crucified him like we do Bonds. He disappeared after his terrible appearance before congress, and we somewhat let him off the hook. He is having a bit of trouble getting into the Hall of Fame now, though.

Jason Giambi was celebrated in 2005 when he won the American League Comeback Player of the Year. This was the year after he was right in the middle of the same steroids scandal that Bonds is a part of. He didn’t admit anything different than what Bonds has admitted. Yet, we honored him that year.

Alex Rodriguez is widely believed to beat Bonds’ home run record down the road in his career. He’s the youngest to ever hit 500 home runs, and you don’t hear much about him ever taking steroids. It was only a year ago (and a few years leading up to now) that people loved to hate A-Rod more than any other player in baseball. He was a primadona, arrogant, selfish and the richest man in baseball. But now it seems that is all forgotten and A-Rod is a saint being cheered for his accomplishments and his pursuit rather than his off-the-field ridiculousness. I’m sure now that this chase is over, the media will go back to hating him, but it was just interesting to see how people forgot about him for a bit.

All because of Bonds.

It’s no secret Bonds is a jerk. Maybe that’s the reason people have such a hard time accepting the fact that he’s the one who owns the home run record. No one likes rooting for jerks who figure they’re owed something. Plus, Bonds never let the public in on his life. Why would people be happy about a guy they don’t even know, owning baseball’s most cherished record?

Personally, I congratulate Bonds. If he took steroids, he made the choice to do so, but I also think that he was playing in an era of baseball that pushed him into making that decision. I think whether he’s good or bad, clean or dirty, people love watching him. It’s proven in attendance numbers throughout the years. People come to Giants’ games to watch Barry Bonds.

I don’t think we should be able to have it both ways. We shouldn't get away with hating a guy for what he’s doing, yet continue to pay money to go see him do it. That's precisely what America has done.

One of the biggest clichés to ever hit the world of sports is that sports are a business. Someone is making money somewhere. Both the MLB and Bonds made a killing on whatever he did or did not do to beat the record. That’s all people really care about. It’d be nice to believe that people cared about ideals and ethics and morals when it comes to entertainment. We don’t care. Give us an entertaining product and we’ll keep coming back for more as long as we don’t get bored.

When Bonds’ career is all said and done, we will be able to all agree on one thing: Barry Bonds was never boring.

Nothing makes me want to get to third base with you more than a bunch of balls on a hot summer day.

It’s summer time. That can only mean one thing (not really). It’s baseball time! Unfortunately for me, I live in a city without a professional baseball team. The Indianapolis Indians play triple-A ball at Victory field downtown. It’s quite unfortunate that my favorite team is vying for first place in a different state, outside of “let’s go to a professional baseball game tonight” distance.

Nevertheless, I went to an Indians’ game a bit ago. Instead of sitting in chairs, I chose to sit in the center field lawn watching the backs of baseball players, whose names I will never know.

It was 90 degrees outside without a cloud in the Indianapolis sky. The only blanket I had was a fleece blanket. Enter sweaty-swamp-butt. I could either sit on the blanket and learn what Hell feels like, or I could sit directly in the grass and get eaten alive. I decided handling burning sweaty eyeballs and sweat-saturated clothes were better alternatives to scratching my skin off because bugs were living in my pores.

As I was profusely sweating all over myself, I noticed there was a love-stricken couple going at it (note: the picture is not of this particular couple, only a display of the behavior taking place) about 10 feet away from me. This couple was made up of zero attractive persons and certainly only one human. Regardless, it got me thinking about public displays of affection and how it makes everyone feel uncomfortable.

I don’t care if you’re at a minor league baseball game or if you’re at PDA camp, there should be rules and regulations to police this kind of behavior. I’m not talking about creating laws to make it a criminal act, I just think it should be a “citizen’s discretion” policy; as in – the citizens in the surrounding area of these people putting on these displays, should be required to choose between the following actions to provide justice:

A) Announce the play-by-play action as if it were a golf tournament. “You could cut through this sexual passion with a knife. It’s time to make a move. He’s playing it safe with the not-so-obvious route through the back of her shirt, rather than aggressively going straight for her dignity.” It’d be great.
B) Stand right next to the couple (like all up in their bidness) and make out with an invisible person, from seduction to finish (however you determine the end of a make-out session.) Seriously, if you were making out with someone, and noticed that there was someone standing a foot away from you making out with himself, would that NOT make you immediately stop? Think about it.

With that, now comes the list of what IS and IS NOT acceptable in the world of Public Displays of Affection. Since something either IS or IS NOT something, this scale will be pretty simple. The scale will be represented by either a (two thumbs up) for acceptable or (two thumbs down) for unacceptable. Sounds good.

1 – Holding Hands - Two Thumbs Up. This is easy. I don’t know anyone that gets grossed out or uncomfortable by two people holding hands, unless of course, those two people have hands that look like this. Yikes. Regardless, holding hands, or tossing arms around shoulders in public is sweet and affectionate whether it’s because a guy is leading a girl around, or just because they want to be close to each other but don’t want to be naked. It’s a perfect way to be intimate and important to each other, but not ridiculous enough to act like the world revolves around just the two of you.

2 – Invading personal space – Two Thumbs Down - If you’re going to sit on your boyfriend’s lap because there isn’t anywhere else to sit, that’s okay. If you’re going to walk through the mall with your hand in your boyfriend’s back pocket like you’re 14, that’s not okay. If you’re going put your girlfriend up on your shoulders because she can’t see at a concert (and I’m not the one standing behind you), that’s okay. If you’re going to give full body massages at a party or small gathering, that’s not okay. This one is really a toss up. So screw it, if there’s ever a toss up, I’m going with Two Thumbs Down. Better safe than sorry. I’d rather you take the hit and stand up so your girlfriend has a place to sit, than unexpectedly come across your girlfriend with her hand on top of your crotch in the mall foodcourt. Sometimes you give, sometimes you take. This time, I’m taking.

3 – Kissing – One Thumb Up, One Thumb Down – I’ll give on this one. This is risky business. The only time kissing is appropriate in public is when you are A) greeting your significant other, B) leaving your significant other. You come home from a long day of work, and all you really want is some sugar from your girl. Go ahead and kiss her to say hello. However, anything beyond 1.5 seconds is deemed unacceptable and at risk of receiving judgment from Citizens’ Discretion policy. Besides, behavior like this is what leads to melees like the one I saw at the baseball game. You’ve gotta keep it in check.

4 – Pet Names – Two Thumbs Down – Not only should this embarrass any dude whose girlfriend calls him “Cuddle Cakes” in the utmost seriousness, but it should downright make everyone (even the people calling and receiving the name) nauseous. I would be less suspicious of Michael Vick searching for the perfect Pit Bull pup at the local Humane Society, than I would of Cuddle Cakes’ manhood. Pet names are fine in the confines of your own home if that's your bag. Pet names are absolutely not fine anywhere else.

5 – Babying – Two Thumbs Down - Apart from fetching your partner a drink, or providing the warmth of your jacket to her while you freeze to death, babying someone is just unacceptable. People were taught how to feed themselves at a very young age. There is absolutely no reason to revisit this time of our lives by feeding each other. You’re adults who can shovel the piece of cake into your own mouth. Along with this, society has no place for someone talking to their partner like they’re 4-years-old or unable to look after themselves the big big world we live in. I understand serving each other is endearing. There is a happy medium between selfishly bringing Chinese food home for just yourself, and breaking out the chopsticks to feed your partner each piece of rice.

6 – Butt Smackin – Two Thumbs Up - Okay I just really wanted to search Google for some good butt grabbin pics, I admit! But this is acceptable behavior. This is also debatable behavior as to whether or not it can be considered PDA. Guys have been smackin rear-ends for ages in the locker rooms and on the fields of sport. This has become less of a sexual act and more of a “job well done” encouragement. There is always room for positive reinforcement and encouragement in the realm of relationships. Anytime you want your partner to “go get em’ tiger,” this is perfect and appropriate, by all means...smack the butt.

7 – Saying “I love you,” – Two Thumbs Down – The only time a declaration of love is acceptable in public is for monumental occasions. Saying “I love you,” is a significant personal milestone for relationships and should be kept personal. If you love your boyfriend, telling him in front of all of his friends is not even close to the best way of showing him. As soon as you leave the room, chances are, you will take his honor, spirit and self-admiration with you. It’s not that he doesn’t love you. He probably does. But don’t make him remind you in front of other people. You should be the only one that hears him if he utters the word “love.” The only acceptable venue for this declaration to take place would be hospitals. Hospitals trigger a lot of emotion, and no one is going to give you grief for being emotional and spewing love words in a hospital. I guess huge celebratory occasions, like the birth of a child or the engagement of love birds could suffice as well. I guess.

Recap: Holding hands: good. Everything else: probably not good.

Trust me. It’s in your best interest to heed my warnings. Now that the Citizens’ Discretion policy is in place, I’d hate to see you ruthlessly embarrassed at the hands of policy abiding people who are endlessly embarrassed for you because of the red suction spots on your neck and the tent you seemed to have pitched in a public place.

The Indians lost, by the way.