Now That's More Like It. Let the Games Begin.

Now I’m ready. It takes me a while to warm up to it, but now I’m here. Every year in February, as the NFL season comes to a close, I look forward to things like baseball spring training, NCAA March Madness, 40 games in 40 nights of NBA Playoffs, new season of Shot at Love with Tila Tequilla...so I get my sports and entertainment fix after the NFL season comes to a close. By the time the Superbowl is over each year, I’m ready for a break from football.

The NFL times their off-season perfectly. By the time September rolls around, I’ve watched enough Hard Knocks, seen enough of Trey and the fellas, and played enough Madden, that football begins to sweat out of my pores. By June of this year, I became a bit worried because I noticed myself impartial to watching football. I wasn’t ready. In July, the mere thought of grinding out a season week in and week out watching the Colts wasn't tickling my typically highly-football-stimulated fancy. I was a little nervous. Maybe the NFL had worn out its welcome with me and my passionate loyalty.

But then today I read this and immediately felt the fire re-ignite inside of my belly. So now I'm ready. Let the games begin, boys! To read that Tom Brady is injured and Bill Belichick is still an ass to anyone who doesn't employ him gave me the shot in the arm I needed. Last year, Belichick was caught cheating during games, and after being fined $500,000, he later personally apologized at an owners' meeting in the offseason because he knew that the rest of the league was beginning to think he was a bastard just like the fans had thought all season long.

The thing I can't stand about Belichick is that he never tells the whole story. Why did you cheat and spy on other teams? "well I just misinterpreted the rule and the league-wide memo that was sent to me days before I was caught...just a misunderstanding and I've moved past it." That's it, and that's all we got from him. After he apologized to the owners in the NFL, I thought that he might change his arrogant ways. Nope.

He's notorious for "mocking" the league or reporters when it comes to injury reports. He has listed Brady on the injury report every week as "probable" for three years now. Brady's never once missed a game in that time span. And heaven forbid a reporter ask as to why Belichick is doing this!! He'll mock them for asking and arrogantly wave them off like their questions are ridiculous.

This most recent foot injury kept Brady out of last week's pre-season game. Whether the injury is legit or not remains to be seen. And given Belichick's history with fudging the reports, it's not ridiculous to assume that the media might have questions if this is a real injury that actually kept the guy who has been on the injury report for three years out of a game. So someone asked: If this was a regular season game, would Brady have played?

Instead of answering the question, Belichick in all of his Narcissistic glory responds, "well it's not a regular season game."

NO $@*#! SHERLOCK! THAT WASN'T THE @#$*^!$# QUESTION!

Then someone had the gull to ask his majesty if keeping the injured Brady out was precautionary (another way of asking the first question) - and Belichick said he wouldn't characterize it...thanks for the insight, try not to stab yourself with scissors as you're cutting the sleeves off of your stupid sweatshirt, you banshee.

Two things fire me up in sports more than anything - Belichick and Tom Brady. But ultimately, I'd probably either like or at least not-hate Brady if he had never played for Belichick...so it all comes back to my hatred for this cheating coach that thinks more of himself than anyone else ever could.

So it's August 18. Season starts in two weeks. Brady's kind of hurt and Belichick is in full bastard-form. The only question left to ask is - are you ready? I am.

Guns Don’t Kill People, Failed Dress Code Policies Do

Remember how I said that I can’t seem to unsubscribe from CNN’s daily Top 10 emails? Well MSNBC recently joined in on the onslaught – sending me anywhere up to 35 emails per day containing “breaking news” that hit my inbox like the waves of a never-ending annoying ocean.

It’s questionable whether I ever signed up to receive CNN’s emails. I visit www.cnn.com on a daily basis, so I could see how I could get tangled up in all the up-to-the-minute-news-goodness; making my finger become a loose cannon as I start clicking on things that sign me up to receive emails 20 times a day.

But MSNBC??? I haven’t been to their website since it was the default homepage on my two-year old dell laptop I use for work. To give you an idea of how many emails I receive per day – I’m writing this at 2:33pm EST on Friday afternoon and I already have 14 emails from MSNBC for the day. (As I was typing this paragraph, I received number 15)

Now most would say that I’m receiving Spam or Spyware…and I’m pretty sure they’d be right. But I’m no fool, I see the letters “MSNBC” and I know what that stands for… “trustworthy” and “this is real stuff.” So I can’t help but click on it. Weird… there’s no breaking news at all! All of these emails sent me to a bunch of dead links. Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

(Note: Sure enough – as soon as I clicked on the link, my computer started vacuuming demons into it – ultimately leading to my wallpaper (permanently) disappearing and a sign reading: Warning, you have 687 (not an exaggeration) viruses on your computer. Good Times.)

Anyways – before I knew the emails were from an imposter MSNBC, I went to the real MSNBC site to unsubscribe from the emails they were, in fact, not sending me. And I read this very real story.

This dynamic duo of parents are suing their slain son’s school system because the school allowed the boy to wear makeup and feminine clothes – ultimately, the parents believe, leading to his murder on school grounds.

Their son was 15 years old and in 8^th grade when he was shot…which means he a) wasn’t legally an adult or legally qualified to live by himself, b) could not sneak out of the house early so mom and dad wouldn’t see him, and drive to school in a car. He either got a ride from the parents or the bus, or he walked to school.

So in other words, the parents, whom I assume lived in the same building as their son, are suing the school for allowing their son to look the way he looked when they let him walk out of their house every morning. The school let a child bring a gun to school, but the victim’s parents are choosing to sue the school for not making their boy take off mom’s makeup.

According to MSNBC, the boy’s parents said faculty members “knew their son had ‘unique vulnerabilities’ and was subject to abuse because of his sexual orientation.” How does it not click with the parents when they think to themselves, “we KNOW that you people knew of his ‘unique vulnerabilities,’” that maybe they themselves knew that information also…and probably even first!

Look, it’s a terrible terrible thing to experience a tragedy such as this. And it’s even worse that it’s an apparent hate crime. And if it’s against dress code for boys to wear makeup and dresses to school, then boys should not be wearing makeup and dresses, and clearly this boy was breaking that policy. But I have to believe that it’s also against school policy for a kid to possess and fire a firearm on school grounds.

Someone should tell Larry King’s (not the crotchety CNN anchor) parents that their son didn’t die because he was dressing up like a girl. He died because bullets fatally entered his body. Someone should tell his parents that if they insist on believing his life ended because he dressed up in women’s clothes, then it’s because THEY allowed it to happen first.

So really, I’m thankful for the viruses that are currently lighting my computer on fire and helping it move at the speed of a paralyzed sloth. If it weren’t for these 687 viruses I downloaded from a fake news network story email, I never would have read the real breaking news alert that people are idiotic.

...But God Doesn't Have Breasts...

I have unsubscribed to CNN”s “Top 10 news stories” email five times now. They refuse to take me off the list. So in reading the Top 10 for the day, I came across the “Number 3” story for August 7, 2008 – “Mega Preacher’s Wife Being Sued over Loss of Faith”…oh!? That sounds interesting, let me click on that!

I came to discover that CNN duped me. Being sued for “a loss of faith,” and being sued for “assault” at least seem to be different things. A few things before I step up on an orange crate and start hurling fruit…

First, is it assault for denying your personal religious faith? If so, who are you assaulting…God? Maybe the flight attendant is a metaphor for God…maybe Ms. Osteen was elbowing God in the left breast. Can you be sued for a personal, internal choice of faith? Are you losing your faith if you decide to “elbow someone in the left breast?” Can you even “lose” your faith? I guess what I’m getting at is….what does belief in God, gravity, oxygen or the sun have to do with assaulting a flight attendant? And no where in this article does it say that Ms. Osteen was being sued for her lack of faith like the headline would lead you to believe.

I’m confident I’m still allowed to believe in God if I’m caught beating down an unsuspecting flight attendant (male of course…of course I know I’m going to hell if I elbow a woman).

I don’t know who Victoria Osteen is, but apparently she’s famous in Texas Christian circles. Whoever she is, I’m sure I wouldn’t like her…for I don’t like anyone that would lay a finger on flight attendants, the angels of our skies. But even so, whether she’s famous or not, just because she KO’d another human being, and in turn, received word that she was being sued does not mean that A) she’s no longer a person of faith, and B) she’s being sued because of her lack of faith, CNN…shame shame. Keep in mind that this is the 3^rd MOST POPULAR story of the day…so I know I’m not the only schmuck out there. This story is not news. If it is news, it’s certainly not the 3^rd biggest news story in the world or America…the only reason it reached such a prominent status is because of the bogus headline.

Speaking of CNN, maybe the headline guy had to leave work early and didn’t read the story before crankin out some half-baked headlines – or maybe they were hurting for click-throughs on the site today...The real story here is how CNN completely mislead me into reading a stupid story that had nothing to do with anything I cared about. I would genuinely care if someone was really being sued because they had “lost their faith.” I don’t care if someone is being sued for assault. Assault – it makes sense to pay a consequence by the law and government. Backsledding – none of the law’s beeswax. I just wasted 30 minutes of my life on this stupid fake story, and then 10 minutes trying to come up with my very own fake headline. I’m so angry, I feel like assaulting someone…no time for that though, I need to go unsubscribe from CNN’s Top 10, and then go pray and catch my flight.

What We Can Learn From an Average Movie

I recently saw the picture show, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I didn’t know if it’d be something like Superbad – in that it’s something I’d want to see a minimum of 19 times before being satisfied of its humor, or something like Hot Rod – in that it’s something that’d make me take a year-long hiatus from watching any movie that included a single cast member from Hot Rod. My final submission is that Marshall is healthily somewhere in between. While being an average movie, this is not a film review. I want to talk about the important lessons learned here - and take 30 minutes out of my life that I'll never get back...(yay for distractions!)

(quick recap – and spoiler alert – though I’m not sure it matters) Peter Bretter was dumped by smoking hot Sarah Marshall. He loved her. He lost her. He ends up going to Hawaii for a vacation – and escape from his former life full of Sarah Marshall memories. On his vacation, low and behold, Marshall shows up to the same resort that Bretter is staying at with her new-and-improved rockstar boyfriend. Oh the suspense! Long story short, Peter meets smoking hot Rachel Jansen, employee at the resort. They fall in love. He gets over Marshall. End of story. A free ticket (thanks Jordan) well spent.

Now, what did I take away from this movie? Surprisingly, I left with my head in quite the knot of confusion. I shall make an effort to untie now by making three points of my new education. From what I gather, if Forgetting Sarah Marshall were a real story, we could walk away applying these three principles and guidelines to our lives and come out on top:

1. If a smoking hot girlfriend dumps you, treats you like crap, and continues to make your life hell by flaunting her “life is better without you” story in your face…be patient, because the girl you’re about to date is twice as hot and 10x more cool.
2. Despite a lifetime of instructions and advice from two sisters, a mother, various girl friends, and countless gossip magazines (don't you dare judge me), I found it’s ok to tell girls that you’re broken hearted. They’ll understand, and maybe even think that you’re cool because of it – and if you’re lucky, they’ll join forces with you to get back at the source of your broken soul….hmmm.
3. The breaker-upper is always a liar if they tell you, “I really want you to be happy.”
   

If a smoking hot girlfriend dumps you, messes with your head, and continues to make your life hell by flaunting her “life is better without you” story in your face…be patient, because the girl you’re about to date is twice as hot and 10x more cool.

Marshall is played by Kristen Bell...uhhh yeah. It’d be an understatementt of the century if I said Bretter lucked out with that relationship. He has the body of Will Ferrell – only 15 years younger. He's ordinary, but not boring. He’s funny, but not hilarious. His dream is to create Dracula rock opera featuring puppets, for crying out loud…and he landed freakin Sarah Marshall!! That’s all well and good…you can convince me that this is real after I drink two beers. But you mean to tell me that this guy is gonna make it happen with Marshall, get dumped and immediately (within 3 weeks time) score the attention of Rachel Jensen!!?? For the record – Rachel Jensen (Mila Kunis) is twice as beautiful and infinitely more real than Ms. Marshall. All Peter had to do was leave Marshall alone, be patient, not bother her and make an honest attempt at getting past her…and in walks this goddess into his life.

I can’t help but think the casting department didn’t do their jobs correctly for this movie. Isn’t the rebound girl NOT supposed to be the hottest girl in the entire movie? Wouldn’t it make more sense that the hottest girl/fakest girl in the movie breaks up with the guy, then sees him with a less-hot, yet cute and down-to-earth/more real girl that makes him truly happy and he really loves? Then she could get pissed at him and his new girl but she couldn't compete because true beauty is internal? Wouldn’t this drive her nuts as opposed to seeing her former flame happy with someone who is the prime rib to her meatball? Of course a prime rib would make someone happier than a meatball. If I'm dumped, then see my ex-girlfriend out with Brad Pitt, I'll be jealous, but I'll understand...it's Brad Pitt. I know this is a movie, and fake, but I think about these things…and feel you should too.

(side note – I’d be happy to live a life full of eating meatballs if the meatball looked like Kristen Bell…but that’s not the point.)

The Peter, Sarah, Rachel triangle is the equivalent to winning the 150 million dollar lottery, losing half on taxes, then getting kicked in the nuts and having the rest stolen from you in your brand new mansion as you watch the robber drive off in your Ferrari…then after you’re homeless and broke again, you stumble upon 400 million dollars, Dave Ramsey and a slew of bodyguard/security enforcement people offering you a lifetime of free money management tips and promising you that you’ll never be broke or kicked in the nuts again. Now that’s what I call a turn around!

Despite a lifetime of instructions and advice from two sisters, a mother, various girl friends, and countless gossip magazines (don’t you dare judge me), I found it’s ok to tell girls that you’re broken hearted. They’ll understand, and maybe even think that you’re cool because of it – and if you’re lucky, they’ll join forces with you to get back at the source of your broken soul…hmmm.

Like I said – all Peter had to do was put forth the effort to get over Sarah Marshall. He didn’t hide his pain. When he met Rachel, he told her within the first five minutes of meeting her that he was only there to get away from heart break. You want to know how cool Rachel Jensen is? She gave him a free four-night-stay in a $6000 per-night room BECAUSE of his condition. Then she continued to see him and hang out with him – never making the situation uncomfortable because of his obvious inability to get over Sarah. He never hid his emotions either. She totally dug it. She went out on dates with him, wanted to hear about his dream of a puppet rock opera, slept with him – she even went out of her way to make Sarah question her decision to date an STD riddled rockstar rather than Peter.

Is this real? I need feedback. What planet does this happen on? Do girls see past the pathetic-ness of a guy wallowing in his piña colada sorrows? I’ve been told throughout my life that when you meet new people/girls, you must must must never bring up your past heartbreak – especially if you’re still dealing with it. Wouldn't it be wonderful to live in a world where your honesty was the most important thing to people you don't know? I can hear you - "oh Tyler, I'd much rather a guy/girl be honest with me than not." No you wouldn't. If you meet an amazing person, you don't want to know how un-amazing they feel while talking to you because their thoughts are with someone else. You don't want to know that. You want them to keep it to themselves to not make the situation awkward. You don't want to worry about being compared, used etc. Rachel Jensen wanted to know. She's an angel.

(side note: I still suggest we keep information and emotions like tragedy to ourselves unless Rachel Jensen walks into our lives…and even then - I call dibs....suckas!)

The breaker-upper is always a liar if they tell you, “I really want you to be happy.”

“Peter, I love you. I just think we’ve grown apart ... and I want you to be happy.” Give me a break, cobra woman. If you wanted Peter to be happy, you wouldn’t have cheated nor broken up with him, right? Peter was happy (for better or worse) before you uttered “we need to talk.” I’m pretty sure that was the exact moment he became unhappy - judging by the look on his face when he dropped his towel to the floor, forcing the entire theater of unsuspecting patrons to see his man-meat.

Then when you saw him actually being happy, Sarah Marshall, you became pissed that he was happy, then wanted him back. I know…it’s unheard of behavior for women.

It should go without saying that if “I want you to be happy” comes out of your mouth as you break someone’s heart, then you’re a liar. You want YOU to be happy. You want them to be unhappy because at that moment, you're unhappy. We don't want to know that the people we hurt are getting better faster than we are. Sarah Marshall thought she owned Peter. Let's face it...he begged her not to leave him. She was in control. She wouldn't admit it to him (why would she?), but it gave her a sense of satisfaction to know that the poor guy was struggling to get over her. What she didn't expect is that Rachel Jensen was working the desk at the lavish Hawaiian resort - and once Peter got happy, Sarah became severely insecure with her decision. Go figure...turns out, she didn't really want him happy. She wanted him subdued.

Next time I break up with someone and suggest that I really want them to be happy, I will punch myself in my own face – you heard it here first, folks.

Since we've come this far, let's talk about the most important things we can take from this non-serious, mindless movie- What's the lesson here – well, three things really…1) mediocre movies are movies too and deserve our thoughts and reflection. 2) Mila Kunis is a bombshell. 3) Hollywood created the perfect girl - and as much as I'd love to say that stuff like this happens in real life - it seems Forgetting Sarah Marshall is the perfect storm for disaster if applied to real life. Awesome. At least we have a figure to look to for new hope in our sadness - thanks Rachel.

You Ever Dance With Romney in the Pale Moonlight?

Enough is Enough
I had stopped writing on this blog for quite some time. If there’s one thing that can bring me out of a five month blog-writing-hiatus, it’s an election year. Like anyone, I have opinions about what’s going on in America right now.

Whether your opinion supports a specific candidate or your opinion falls along the lines of “I don’t follow politics because a) I don’t understand it, b) politicians are all the same, c) I’m too lazy to care about who is running the country I live in,” you still have an opinion. So do I.

I’ve been closely following this race of who’s who in the bout of being president for about a year and a half. I watched as candidates announced the beginnings of their campaigns, and I’ve watched candidates gracefully bow out one-by-one.

Ignorance is Super
After last week’s Super Tuesday voting day, we’re now left with four serious candidates to choose from as the nominee for the democratic and republican parties in the general election – Obama (D), Clinton (D), McCain (R) and Huckabee (R) (and Ron Paul (R)).

(Note – for the record, I am supporting Obama. This entry may not sound like it to some people, but I am. I’m also a Christian. This entry may not sound like it to some people, but I am.)

By my estimation, Huckabee (R) is still in the running because of the Christian conservative votes in the recent primaries. He used to be a pastor and uses his faith as a platform in this race. So he connected with people who look to vote for someone who uses their faith as a platform to be the president of the United States – which (unfortunately) is a lot of people.

Be Careful What You Pray For
Mitt Romney is not a Christian. He’s a Mormon. He was running for president as part of the Republican Party. He’s no longer in the race. He suspended his campaign this week because he had a disappointing (for him) turnout in the polls and voting booths at Super Tuesday.

Before he left, Romney was considered by many conservatives to be the “most conservative candidate” of the candidates remaining.

Conservatives are hesitant to get behind McCain because they think he’s too liberal. But McCain is the front runner and the imminent Republican candidate when it comes time to vote in November. So he’s all they got.

Why did Romney leave? I read an article from the New York Times, and according to Timothy Egan, Romney left because of this.

Egan writes, “Blame Christians. By significant margins, in poll after poll, in vote after vote a solid block of evangelical Christians said they would never vote for a Mormon.”

Explain Yourselves
To evangelical Christians:
NEVER?? So if the candidate had views and opinions and policies that best represented your beliefs on how a country should be run, but they were Mormon, you wouldn’t support them?? Ever? Even if it means you throw out the guy you consider the best representative of your party for a guy that you question whether he’s even a conservative?

I’m so tired of this unwritten rule among Christians (or maybe some super-christians will argue that it is written) that if you’re a Christian, you must vote for a Christian candidate to lead a country full of non-Christians. Brilliant. It happened in 2000, 2004 and it’s happening now. This rule got George Bush elected. It kept him in office. Now look at yourselves.

Forget about Christianity preaching financial responsibility and peace – let’s keep the guy who started two wars and created the country’s greatest deficit ever. Forget about Jesus Christ pleading with followers to love our enemies, let’s elect the guy invades countries without a real distinct cause or direction. Nevermind what the Bible says about suppressing our pride and selfishness, let’s invite the guy back to the White House who “stays the course” no matter how many wise and in-touch people are telling him that his selfish agenda is aimless and costing the lives of thousands of people – including Americans. Forget about all of this when voting for a candidate because at least he reads his Bible, goes to church and believes in God.

The Point
The personal religious beliefs of a president should not be at the top of the list of criteria we’re counting when we go to vote. It shouldn’t even be in the top ten. Just because someone believes in God does not mean they’re the best fit to run this country.

Educate yourselves on the issues and needs of this country. Form a belief for yourself and what you deem is important for this country to have. Then vote for the person that best parallels what you find. Is it really important to have a Christian in the oval office? Is that a dire need for this country to have? Is it so important that you’ll neglect the candidates that best represent your party’s values for other candidates that are questionable?

I didn’t even like Mitt Romney. He was actually my least favorite candidate throughout the entire race. I thought he was arrogant and didn’t have the proper direction when it came to fix the problems we’re facing with our suffering economy. I didn’t think that his approach to resolving the war in Iraq was sufficient. He changed what he stood for so often that I think he had no idea what he finally stood for. I don’t think he would have made a good president. I don’t think McCain will either.
But this is not about them. It’s about why we as voters do what we do. I’m not trying to tell you who to vote for. I’m just trying to tell you that personal religious beliefs don’t best represent a country full of millions of people who don’t believe the same as you. I’m trying to tell you that there is so much more to a country and a presidential race than the religious beliefs of a candidate.

There is something wrong when people go to the polls and already know they’ll never vote for someone who believes in a different God. That’s selfish and does not have the best needs of the country at the forefront of our minds when we act like that.

Settle Down Everyone
Please, evangelical Christians – stop. Just stop. Stop screwing everything up. You’re making the rest of us Christians look bad. You’re justifying the critics and skeptics who say Christians are crazy, ignorant and out-of-touch. Please stop.

…Or I’ll just have to continue writing on this blog.

Who wants Man Meat!? - My 2007 Indianapolis Colts preview.

You smell that? It smells like a party. Or like victory…it smells like a victory party!! The NFL season opens up this weekend and I, for one, couldn’t be more gorged with elation.

A couple of things:

1. The Indianapolis Colts are defending champs. That feels good to say.
2. There are plenty of story lines to follow this season once the regular season gets underway – will the Atlanta Falcons pick themselves off the ground after the Michael Vick escapade? Are the New Orleans Saints still America’s team? Can Peyton repeat? Does he have to repeat? How long until Rex Grossman is benched? How long until the Madden curse knocks Vince Young out with a torn ACL? How dominant will the (shudder) Patriots be? How many players will Roger Goodell suspend due to off-the-field problems (currently stands at four – Tank Johnson, Pacman Jones, Chris Henry and Vick)? How many players (and assistant coaches) will he suspend due to steroids and human growth hormones (currently stands at two – Rodney Harrison and Wade Wilson)? And finally, is John Madden still alive?

I’m participating in about 52 fantasy football leagues this year. Now that all of my drafts are complete, I’ve decided to share a brief summary of this experience.

The rundown:

• I officially sold my soul and drafted Tom Brady in nearly every league this year. This is what is wrong with sports; you grow up hating a team and everything they stand for, and as soon as money gets involved – and a few studs for receivers (Stallworth, Moss, Welker) are added to your enemy’s roster - you can’t help yourself but take someone like Brady. He’s going to have a huge year. Needless to say, I wouldn’t blame the football gods for making me lose every single game in every single league this season one bit.
• I don’t have a single Colts’ player in any league. This could be good or bad. This can be good because now I can root for the Colts without any ulterior motives of selfish gain. This could also be bad because I will also be hoping that players on other teams do well. (Note – this has been a struggle for over a year now, but I have decided that I cannot and will not root for a player on my fantasy football team if they’re playing against the Colts on a particular week. This is a harder decision to make than some people realize. I now know one of the reasons why sports-betting is frowned upon.)
• I have LaDainian Tomlinson in two leagues – interpretation – I have the keys to the Corvette on a lot full of Cavaliers. However, I can’t decide if my acquisition of LDT is nullified by the acquisition of Brady. Clearly, I didn’t think this tradeoff through. This is like taking a smoking-hot girl to dinner, only to choose the restaurant in the lobby of a hotel that happens to be hosting a male model convention (if such a thing exists) and watching your girl exit with someone named Djimon. I’ll find out soon enough, I suppose.

Onto the Indianapolis Colts’ 2007-2008 preview – I’m going to run down the list of different areas of this year’s team and grade each group based on a simple F (meaning bad) through A (meaning good) scale to determine how ready the Colts are to defend their crown.

OFFENSE -
Rushing – Joe Addai returns this year as the sole starter. Last year he backed up Dominic Rhodes, but Rhodes has since split for a bigger pay-day and terrible team in Oakland. Addai is the man this year. He’s expected to be in the top five in the league in rushing yards this season. He’s returning from a 1000 yard rushing season last season (not bad for a rookie backup runner) and will be expected to improve on that number this year. He’s joined in the backfield by the dynamite duo of Kenton Keith and Luke Lawton, two unknowns that aren’t expected to contribute more than a couple of plays here and there so Addai doesn’t burn himself out in three games. (A-)

Passing – This should go unsaid, but I’ll say it anyways – Peyton Manning still plays here. Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne are both healthy and primed for another 1200 yards-a-piece season. The Colts’ first round draft pick comes by the name of Anthony Gonzalez from Ohio State and should fit in quite beautifully in this offense, replacing the injury-prone Brandon Stokely and giving the Colts a solid and consistent slot receiver that proved to be so successful in Manning’s 49-touchdown season in 2004. Tight end Dallas Clark, one of Manning’s favorite targets, is healthy as well, so the air attack is scarily looking better than ever before. (A+)

Offensive Line – In years past, the offensive line has arguably been the best in the league. They ought to be the best in the league. They’re protecting the highest paid football player in the league. With the abrupt departure of Tarik Glenn, the Colts were forced to plug the biggest hole (literally and figuratively) in the dam that is the Indianapolis offensive line. Glenn was a pro-bowler. Peyton Manning has never professionally played with another Left Tackle. Glenn was responsible for protecting Manning’s blind-side. He’s replaced with a rookie out of Arkansas, Tony Ugoh. He didn’t expect to be starting this early in his career, but Ugoh needs to step up right away with one of the biggest responsibilities on the entire roster. Ugoh joins veterans Ryan Lilja, Ryan Diem, Jake Scott and Jeff Saturday on the line charged with not skipping a beat from last year. Manning is one of the fewest sacked QB’s in the league and it is expected to stay that way. (B)

OFFENSE TOTAL – (A-)

DEFENSE -
Defensive Line – I’m sure I speak for everyone in Indianapolis when I say Corey Simon can kiss our collective anuses. Simon is the guy that was brought on by the Colts to help stop the run in 2005 after Philadelphia dumped him. Turns out, Simon was interested in playing half a season and collecting a huge paycheck ($14 million for 13 games). He sat out the entire 2006 season with an “undisclosed illness.” Reports came out that he was just being lazy and didn’t want to play. Even though he didn’t play a single down in 2006, I’m quite certain he collected his championship ring. He was dropped by the Colts in early August 2007, and recently signed with Tennessee. Good riddance, Douchebag.

The line is anchored by Dwight Freeney, who needs to step up in a big way this year(after just signing a $72 million contract) after a 2006 season that didn’t bring the same numbers that Colts fans have been used to for the past couple of years. He’s joined on the line by Robert Mathis, Rahim Brock and rookie Ed Johnson who replaces Anthony McFarland after he went down to injury in training camp. The loss of McFarland is a concern for the Colts, seeing as how they had one of the worst rushing defenses in the league last year. (C)

Linebackers - The ever revolving door of above average linebackers continued to spin this offseason with the loss of Cato June. That makes three solid linebackers (Mike Peterson, David Thornton, June) in the last six years to leave the Colts because the team couldn’t afford to keep them. That leaves Rob Morris, Gary Brackett and Freddy Keiaho at the helm of the defense. Morris helped save the season last year with his stellar performance in last year’s postseason. Brackett is steady, and Keiaho is unproven. In my opinion, this part of the team (other than the dismal Special Teams) has the most question marks going into the season. (D+)

Defensive Backs – As the linebackers have gotten weaker in the offseason, the Colts’ DBs have definitely improved from last year. Kelvin Hayden and Marlin Jackson are definite improvements over the often overmatched Jason David and the rickety Nick Harper of last year. Joining them in the backfield is Antoine Bethea and superman Bob Sanders, who is campaigning for the “guy most likely to kill someone on the football field.” He’s a human missile. If he can stay healthy this season, which is highly unlikely with his style of play, the DB’s should be in decent shape. (C)

DEFENSE FINAL GRADE – (C)

Special Teams – Kicking: the best still wears blue (Vinatieri). Punting: trusty Hunter Smith has the easiest job in the NFL punting for the most potent offense in the league. Coverage: This team was one of the worst kick and punt coverage teams in the league last year. It’ll be interesting to see how they perform this year without major improvements in personnel in the offseason. I’d like to grade this group higher because of Vinatieri, but not even he can make up for the atrocious performance of the collective group. (F)

Coaching – Who doesn’t like Tony Dungy? This might be his last season, and he hasn’t lost the fire. Not much to write here, except I can’t wait to see all of the stories about how Tony Dungy was the first black coach to coach a season following a Superbowl victory. That’s really interesting. I had no idea he was black. (A)

FINAL 2007 INDIANAPOLIS COLTS GRADE – (B+)

We all know that a B+ is good enough to win the rotten division the Colts play in (Titans, Jaguars, Texans). I look at it this way: if every team is an average of a (C), then the Colts are clearly above average, which proves to be the case year after year. Plus I weighted the Special Teams grade a bit because they’re not on the field more than a few plays per game. Instead of representing 25% of the grade, they now represent about 10-15% of the final grade.

So I will be at the Colts’ opening game against the Saints. I will be watching every televised game on Sunday. It is time. Football season has arrived. I just pray the football gods are gentle this year and forgive my apparent secret man-crush on Tom Brady.

who let the stinky gorilla in the room?

I’m writing this blog from my brand new (I got it two weeks ago) computer. You’re reading the same highbrow literary goodness, but it just feels different writing it. I feel like a different person – a better person, if you will. I’ve been waiting for this computer since January, and after multiple manufacturing/release delays, I finally have my hands on one. I pretty much nabbed a golden ticket to Wonka’s factory.

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I performed my first live show (solo) in over a year last night. I haven’t played in Indy since 2001. Here’s the setup –

A company called Gorilla Productions contacted me on myspace about a month ago. They said something to the effect of “blah blah blah Battle of the Bands come get your name out there August 26, blah.” (Note: Let me say that I appreciate Gorilla for finding me and asking me to be a part of this. I don’t blame them for the story about to be told. I’m thankful for the opportunity despite how this entry may or may not read).

So I signed up as a solo act. I was told I was the only solo act. This turned out to be erroneous and a reflection of events that will be explained in better detail shortly. On August 3, I was told I would receive tickets in the next few days (I realize that “few” is somewhat relative) that I would need to sell and market for the show. The more tickets I sold, the better time slot I’d get at the show. Sounds simple enough. Sounds great. I was on board.

The trouble began about August 17 (two weeks after that phone call) when the tickets finally arrived. The first problem being that the tickets took two weeks to arrive. There were 100 tickets in the bunch, and I had one week to sell as many as possible to try and not get the 6:00 slot. No one wants the 6:00 slot. No one would have been there, and more importantly no one would have been drunk enough to cheer like maniacs. (Note: maniacal cheering turned out to be the sole determining factor in who took the crown for this competition.)

I was still on board. One week and I had home-court advantage being that Birdy’s is a mere 15-minute drive from my house.

When the tickets arrived I noticed a subtle flaw in the ink-design. Instead of the tickets reading “Gorilla Productions presents Battle of the Bands featuring – Tyler Bender,” the tickets read “Gorilla Productions presents Battle of the Bands featuring – Tyler Beader.” You can see where I might get upset. How the F#@&! am I supposed to market myself and sell these tickets for a person that doesn’t exist? Whatever, I sold 47 tickets. Let’s recap…tickets are two weeks later than promised, and my name is that of an invisible person. Strike two, fellas.

Fast forward to the day of the show. I was told to show up at 4:00. I was there at 4:15. No one else showed up to the bar until 5:00. No one from Gorilla answered their phones. I was sitting outside by myself for a good while until the lovely Summer showed up at about 5:15. So I had to choose time slots. I chose 9:45. Great.

Well the band that sold the most tickets (or something) showed up at about 5:50 (10 minutes before showtime. They were stuck with a terrible slot and grumbled and bellyached until they got the time they wanted. Unfortunately, that pushed the rest of us back a half hour. This would have been fine had everyone known what time we were playing in advance rather than waiting for nearly 2 hours for Summer to juggle the times again and again. So I was pushed back until 10:15. I picked 9:45. I would not have picked 10:15. Strike three.

Remember when I said judging was based on audience cheering/reaction/applause? Well this whole contest is taking place on a Sunday night. That’s the day before Monday when 98% of America goes to work in the morning. So pushing this contest back at least a half-hour for two guys who couldn’t show up when they were instructed to, is somewhat (extremely) ridiculous. Not to mention that the allotted time for setup and take down was massively underrated. So the judging didn’t happen until midnight. Judging amounted to Summer going on stage and reading off the lineup on a sheet of paper and listening to people clap.

Thanks be to those that stuck around to cheer and clap for me during the “voting.” Jordan, Aubrey, Becca, Abby, Heather, Katie, Katie, Katie, Mitch, Andy, Mindy and Collin. They gave a valiant effort. Unfortunately for everyone an inexperienced teenage homeless man’s “New Found Glory” band that had never played in front of a live audience had the most people in the room at the time of the voting. So they won. Congrats on your victory, fellas.

I don’t think I should have won. I think another band should have won. I do not think the band that won should have been in the top-5. Whatever.

My show went well. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. I accomplished my goals:

1. Make a good impression on the venue – Birdy’s apparently really enjoyed my set and made sure to get my contact info from me before I left.
2. Introduce myself to other local bands for the chance to play with them – A band called The Last Good Year (also the band that had my vote for the band that should have won) introduced themselves to me and asked me if I’d be interested in opening for them sometime. We exchanged myspace information and we were on our way.
3. Put on a good show for the people who bought tickets to see Tyler Beader put on a good show. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. Even Mindy said she liked it. Mindy is the same girl that said that she didn’t like my music but was only coming to support me.

So after all of the dog and pony charades that took place over the last few weeks, it ended up being quite satisfactory. Again, I don’t blame any particular party for the craziness. It’s all part of the business, I suppose.

One piece of advice for production companies – please make sure you promote bands properly and don’t misrepresent them. Honor your commitment to making them look good. The bands will do their part in trying to make you look good by showing up and selling your tickets. When you make the voting a joke for a “battle” of the bands, then it doesn’t bode well for your reputation. When you print the wrong names of the band that are selling your tickets on your promotional pieces, it makes you look amateur. I had a good time last night. But it wasn’t because it was a great easy process and show to be a part of. It was because of the people that came to see me. It was because of the hospitality of the venue.

Thanks to everyone for coming to support me. I hope you enjoyed the show. Thanks to Birdy's for hosting. Thanks to Gorilla for putting the event on.

Check out pictures from the show here (thanks to Mindy for taking these)